Demanding a loved one to pull ourselves together, we make a mistake, says psychiatrist Yuri Sivolap. The main thing in communicating with those who are addicted to alcohol is support and respect. Here are some examples and anti-examples with expert commentary.
What can be said?
“You have a drinking problem. This is a common problem in our family. Let’s try to find ways to solve this problem»
In a conversation, it is better to avoid the words “alcoholic” or “alcoholism” that are offensive to some people, using a neutral, not affecting human dignity, but quite specific concept of “alcohol problems”.
You make it clear in a restrained way that excessive alcohol consumption by a partner (relative) complicates the life of the whole family, and you suggest a conversation. It is important that the interlocutor also understands that he takes part of the responsibility. This to some extent flatters his pride, allowing him to feel strong and needed.
«What can I do for you to stop drinking so much?»
This is a further development of the approach indicated in the previous phrase. This is how you demonstrate your devotion and readiness to help, but at the same time you do not take on the seductive, but completely unnecessary and dangerous role of a “savior” for both.
You will not immediately achieve the desired reaction — recognition by a person of his condition and interest in treatment
This is important: do not follow the lead and do not try to take full responsibility for yourself, but offer concrete help. And understand that the weakness shown can involve you in the manipulation of an addict who has only one goal — to continue drinking.
«How can I help you?»
A neutral phrase with which you can start a conversation about treatment. This is how you show involvement, but avoid violence and domination. The main thing is that these words do not set any conditions.
Be prepared that you will not immediately achieve the desired reaction — the person’s recognition of his condition and interest in treatment. In any case, let your loved one know that you will support him in his desire to fight addiction: «I’m always there if you want to talk about it.»
What can’t be said?
“You promised you would stop drinking! How could you fool me again?»
When a person who is addicted to alcohol promises to stop drinking, he sincerely believes that he will succeed. The desire to drink again often arises by chance, unexpectedly for the addict himself, and sometimes is irresistible.
He already often feels guilty before his loved ones, reproaches and reproaches only spoil the relationship. It’s much better to say, “I’m sorry you lost your temper, but don’t despair! You will surely be able to quit again, you are strong! I am with you and we will fight together.”
“Decide: either you quit drinking, or we break up”
Conditions and ultimatums can only cause alienation, but never help to recover. It’s like saying to a person with a nervous tic, «Stop shaking or I won’t walk beside you.» Alcoholism is a disease, and getting rid of it with a simple effort of willpower will not work.
“If you drink, don’t come home!”
Such phrases only lead to the alienation of the drinking person, contribute to bitterness, the desire to act in defiance. It is much better to say something like this: “You have no idea how happy I will be if you manage to stay sober today! And if it doesn’t work out and you still drink, come back home faster, please, I’m very afraid for you when you drink.”