How to talk to a child about a father who is not in his life?

A sad fact: 76% of men after a divorce lose all interest in children and easily refuse not only financial participation in their lives, but also communication with them.

But the child feels like an extension of two people, father and mother, and will be interested in dad, even if he does not know him, even if he is dangerous. The task of the mother is to allow the child to rely on the good that is still left (it usually remains even if there is no contact with the departed dad at all).

“Please do not be angry with the child for wanting to find this support,” writes Ekaterina Sigitova. – Do not scold for interest in the father, for questions and for the fact that the child does not share your (perhaps quite fair) negative feelings towards the disappeared father. It is perfectly normal for a child to ask questions, to yearn, get upset and worry. You can handle all this, you just need to be patient and know what to answer.

The examples of answers offered by Ekaterina Sigitova are a kind of general vector for a conversation that parents are already building themselves, taking into account the characteristics of their child. But there is a rule that is relevant for everyone: you cannot show aggression towards a partner who has left. Any mention of conflicts between father and mother literally drives the child crazy, and according to statistics, often leads to behavioral problems.

A child only by adolescence learns to put up with the aggression of parents towards each other, Ekaterina Sigitova notes. Think about telling your child about the father, and trust me, it will pay off.

Question 1. What is he, my dad (was)?

To recreate the image of the father, the child needs to know at least something about him. In your answers, report, if possible, only facts – without emotions and without a moral assessment. If there are photographs or some things of the father, show them or even give them away. It’s a good idea to make a “memories box” with items that are related to or belonged to dad (in the case when dad is alive, this also helps).

Variants of answers:

• was born there, studied for that, works (worked) with that;
• here is his photograph, see for yourself;
• (had) dark hair, blue eyes;
• I did not know him closely, but I think that he was …;
• loves (loved) nature and classical music.

Better to avoid answers like:

• he (was) a bad person;
• you don’t have a father;
• it doesn’t matter now;
• it’s better for you not to know;
• I hate to think about him, so don’t ask any more.

Question 2. Why doesn’t he live with us? Why did you break up?

Most children before adolescence believe that events and their consequences are necessarily connected with them and almost everything happens because of them. If mom didn’t explain why dad left, the child is more likely to feel responsible for it and feel the guilt and anxiety that comes with such questions. You need to answer in such a way as to dispel these fears, but without going into too much detail – this is an adult zone, there is nothing for children to do in it.

Variants of answers:

• your dad and I began to quarrel all the time, and it became difficult for us to live together;
• dad was not happy and therefore decided to leave;
• dad fell in love with another woman;
• dad needed time to solve his problems;
• he offended me greatly, and I fell out of love with him;
• I don’t know for sure – but it has nothing to do with you.

Better to avoid answers like:

• dad left us, ran away;
• dad died (if he did not die);
• dad could not stand the difficulties after the birth of the child;
• my dad changed me.

Question 3. Why doesn’t he call, doesn’t come? Doesn’t he (more) love me?

In the answer, it is necessary to explain that the reason is not at all that the child is “somehow not like that.”

Variants of answers:

• I know that you miss and it hurts that he does not call, does not come. I am also hurt and sad for you;
• people sometimes behave strangely, even when they love someone;
• tell me how you feel about it;
• he, apparently, is busy with something, and does not find time to meet with you;
• it’s definitely not related to whether he loves you or not, but I don’t know the specific reasons.

Better to avoid answers like:

• yes, he doesn’t love you;
• you misbehaved;
• he doesn’t want to see us anymore;
• because he is tired of you;
• because he wants an easy life;
• because he is a bad person.

Question 4. Will he return? Do you (still) love him?

The disappearance of the father figure, especially in the case of a divorce at a more or less conscious age of the child, is always a split of the world into two parts, and different children adapt to this split in different ways. Some hope for a long time that everything will eventually become as it was, and periodically check their mother with such questions.

Unfortunately, it is impossible to give false hope and dismiss it here – the child needs to understand that now everything will be different. Even though it might hurt.

Variants of answers:

• no, he will not return, we have decided everything finally. I’m sorry baby;
• I love your dad for giving me you;
• I sometimes miss the good times we had;
• I will always remember him.

Better to avoid answers like:

• I hate (dislike) him;
• if he returns, I will kick him out;
• he did me so much wrong, how can i love him?
• grow up and understand.

Question 5. Can we (I) find it?

The absence of a living person with all his advantages and disadvantages gives rise to fantasies. In children, they are most often positive – dad or pilot, or sea captain, in general, sheer romance.

This is natural and understandable, and this process is often accompanied by a desire to establish real contact. After all, you want to get to know such a person, you want to be closer to him, perhaps to start a relationship. The child still cannot logically come to the conclusion that dad is absent precisely because he does not want to communicate with his former family, and not because of some objective difficulties.

Such questions should not be frightened, they do not necessarily mean that the child will actually go looking for his dad. But even if he goes when he grows up, nothing terrible will happen to you. All people have the right to know their parents and form their own opinion about them.

If dad is an alcoholic, drug addict, abuser or criminal, it makes sense to indicate this right away.

Variants of answers:

• it’s not so easy, I don’t know where he is, and so far there is no way to look for him;
• he does not answer my calls and letters, so it will be difficult to communicate with him;
• I have his address and phone number, if you want, you can write to him or call him, but he is unlikely to answer;
• you can look for it yourself when you’re older, if you still want it;
• your dad is acting insecure, so maybe you shouldn’t look for him.

Better to avoid answers like:

• do not dare to look for your father and communicate with him, I forbid you;
• Or maybe you want to go to him and live?
• you don’t need it, forget it;
• he himself left, so now let him remain alone.

Do not be surprised if after some time after all these conversations the child will be more angry, offended by you than usual. It is the result of living a painful situation that cannot be changed.

At the same time, you are the only close person whom the child can trust, so he will bring all his feelings to you. He would probably be angry at the departed parent – but he is already lost, so it is impossible to be angry with him. Be patient, it will pass.

Read more in the book by Ekaterina Sigitova “How to explain to you: we find the right words to talk with children” (Alpina Publisher, 2020).