How to talk about it

People keep secrets because they are convinced that it is impossible to do otherwise. Information can hurt loved ones, destroy relationships, ruin reputation. This is what we think about when we choose: to tell – and, perhaps, to hurt – or to remain silent and, for sure, deceive trust? And yet, at some point, we make a decision: to get rid of the mystery. How and when to open the secret? To whom? Is this knowledge always useful to everyone? Let’s try to figure it out.

Guardian Motives

Everyone has the right to know their history. But it is very important from whom and when the truth will be heard. The Keeper is a living person, with his own motives and interests, and often it is they who influence his decision to open Pandora’s box. Psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova says: “The grandmother of 12-year-old Yulia told her:“ Mom wanted to get rid of you, went to the doctor, and he says: “What are you talking about, the child is moving!” That’s how you were born!” Grandmother raised her granddaughter, and when she grew up, it became more interesting for her to communicate with her mother. The secret was revealed out of jealousy: “Don’t think that mom is so wonderful, she even wanted to kill you.” If Yulia had been 16 years old and her mother had told her about this, it would have been a different story and a different secret. A secret revealed “under a hot hand” always hurts more painfully than ignorance. Psychologist Alexandra Suchkova says: “Not so long ago I worked with Ruslana. Before her eyes, her father died – he jumped from the balcony of the 10th floor. An aunt arrived and, in a state of shock, told that all the men in their family commit suicide – this was the case with my grandfather and my father’s two brothers. Upon learning of this, Ruslana fell seriously ill. She tried to commit suicide, had several abortions, afraid to give birth to a son, and only then turned to a psychologist. I will say that the therapy was very difficult.

If the keeper of the secret experiences the secret too emotionally, he automatically draws the listener into his experiences and deprives him of the opportunity to comprehend the new knowledge himself. Sometimes the person who owns the secret feels compelled to act immediately: “When I saw my uncle caressing his daughter unpaternally, I felt I could not remain silent,” says Mark. – As a result, I scared my sister – she was afraid of her father’s revenge – and infuriated my uncle. But if I had kept silent, all this would have gone on for a long time and would have ruined her life.

“Disclosure” needs to be prepared

“I found out that my father was cheating on my mother,” recalls Lisa. – Guests came to us, but I was so angry with him that I threw the truth in his face right at the festive table. It would be better if I made him talk to his mother alone, perhaps then she could forgive him. And I just destroyed everything that connected them.”

Here are a few important things to keep in mind for someone who decides to reveal a secret.

• Before revealing a tormenting secret, the keeper needs to understand why he was silent for so long and why he is ready to speak now. It is important to track your motives: it can be momentary irritation, and self-pity, “tired” of being silent. “You need to understand what you are doing and reveal the secret, acting not “against”, but always “for” something or someone,” explains Ekaterina Mikhailova.
• You need to talk only with those relatives who are directly concerned with the secret: they themselves will decide how to deal with it. You should not gather the whole family for this: a “general gathering” may unnecessarily enhance the effect of the event.
• When the secret is open and you have to answer questions, sometimes unpleasant, you can’t lie and come up with the “correct” versions of events. It’s better to say, “I haven’t fully figured this out yet.”
• The reaction to the message can be very different – from bitterness and pain (and then the narrator will need help and participation) to unexpected indifference: “I’m not interested in all this.” But even such words do not mean that the truth was not heard.

They all feel

As the classic of French psychoanalysis, Francoise Dolto, said, “only children and dogs know everything about the family.” If parents do not say something, their children become participants in the “conspiracy of silence”. They often develop somatic disorders, or worse, they begin to feel guilty about what bothers their parents. Revealing the secret frees the child from guilt

What does not apply to children?

The child has the right to know everything that concerns him. The fact that he has stepbrothers and sisters, that he is adopted, about death in the family or illness of loved ones – that is, everything that is related to his origin and future. If information has been hidden from the child for a long time, it is never too late to tell everything. Admit that you were wrong, answer his questions, help him cope with new knowledge. Sometimes it is useful to resort to the help of a psychotherapist.

Don’t tell your kids everything. They do not need to know the details of their parents’ personal lives. What adults do among adults does not concern children.” “Such secrets are in some sense useful for the development of the child,” adds Alexander Chernikov. “They delineate the personal territory of the other person.”

When to tell?

When revealing a secret to a child, speak in a language accessible to his age, at the level of his thinking, in simple words, without getting carried away by details. “For example, if a child is adopted, you need to tell him as soon as possible that he was adopted and that he is a desired child,” Alexander Chernikov continues. “But the details of the adoption should be postponed until the time when he grows up and starts asking about it.”

Tough Conversation

If you decide to tell your child about a dangerous, “shameful” secret (prison, drugs), don’t make it a lesson. Children need respect for their parents and relatives, so you need to make sure that the story is honest, but at the same time does not discredit the person you are talking about. Alexander Chernikov recommends: “Speaking, for example, about drug addiction, you can say this: “Your father was good, but he was sick, addicted to drugs. And he died as a result.” You can also talk about a difficult divorce like this: “We had a difficult relationship, I would not like to talk about them. But when I married your father and when you showed up, I really loved him.” The wording must be as accurate as possible. And one more thing: parents should be ready to discuss the situation if new children’s questions follow.

Everyone reacts differently

How a person receives previously hidden information depends on whether he becomes more whole or, on the contrary, his personality will be destroyed. “I know many cases when children or teenagers accidentally found some old documents and learned something that was not mentioned in the family,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. – The girl found evidence of a genetic examination: once her dad was not sure of his paternity. And, although the examination was positive, and her parents divorced a long time ago, she was very hurt. When the girl turned 18, she was informed that her father was dying. She didn’t go to him. He wanted to renounce kinship with her – she responded in kind. And later I regretted it very much.”

Contact with a secret does not always become an unpleasant discovery. A person who learns more and more about the history of his family has both surprise and pride, and then a desire to ask new questions. Ancestors cease to be faces from old photographs and become living people with their passions and weaknesses: the connection of generations comes to life. And then it is worth (perhaps with the help of specialists) to start working with your family history – not only in order to correct something, but simply to better understand yourself.