Very, very often, girls turn to me with a request to clarify whether an initiative on her part is appropriate in their relationship with a guy.
To make a decision on this issue, I always suggest that a girl answer herself this question:
“What will be the result of the initiative on your part?” Attention: the result is in the subtle world of relationships!
â € ‹â €‹ â € ‹â €‹ â € ‹â €‹ â € ‹In ordinary reality, the result that girls strive for is a date, which the guy after a quarrel is in no hurry to set up.
For example, what is the result in a relationship, let’s take a little history with you:
“We“ met ”for six months. At first, he often called, but as I got carried away, I began to call more myself, and, probably, this ruined everything. He works very hard or creates an appearance. In general, I tried with all my might to keep him and not let go, forgiving everything — in general, everything is as it usually happens. Waking up in the morning after the last night spent together, I saw scratches on his back, obviously not left by me, showed him in the mirror, silently dressed and left. He tried to stop me, but I left and didn’t even tell him anything. Yes, and what to say. A week has passed, and not a word from him, and I myself miss him. I forgave you. I thought about sending him a couple of text messages, like, hugs and all that … But wouldn’t that be a huge stupidity … another humiliation? Don’t know».
What will be the result of this girl’s initiative?
In such situations, the result will essentially be that the man will establish himself in the thought: “It was another show off on her part.”
Right? The girl imagined that she could show character, and then it turned out that she did not have it. And with the help of her initiative, she wants to demonstrate this clearly.
See video blog E.V. Goncharova on youtube
Who likes this result? Then the most effective SMS for such a result will be: “Forgive me, my dear, that when I left, I did not understand how much I would suffer when you stopped calling me! Yes, I wanted you not to cheat on me, but if it doesn’t work out in any way, then I’ll make any concessions. ”
Will someone send such a message? In the form of such content? — No???!
And in the form of a caringly caressing and sympathetic “how are you?”, embroidered with white threads of self-abasement?
A thought creeps into the girl, which she does not know how to check: “wouldn’t this be a huge stupidity … another humiliation” ???
Will! Because, before taking the initiative to renew relations, it is worth asking yourself one more question: did the relationship that we had between us suit me?
If the relationship did not suit you, and you interrupted it, then the man should take the initiative! And nothing else! Moreover, he must persuade you so that you forgive him and accept him back into the relationship. Only in this way is there a chance to take your relationship to another level — to the level of other agreements in the relationship that will suit you more. Otherwise, after your show off, and then after the subsequent “initiative” from you, the relationship will sink to an even lower level.
However, unfortunately, for most girls, it turns out that it doesn’t matter how they are treated: they agree on everything, if they were cute nearby.
“You have no idea how my soul hurts without him…”
Yes, I have an idea that not every girl has the character to get out of those relationships where she is not appreciated. Therefore, these girls, only slightly attached, very quickly give up their claims to respect and love … It’s sad.
Dear girls, everyone gets the partner they deserve. No self-respect, no self-confidence — the girl gets a partner who treats her indifferently.
To form a decent relationship format, girls should remember:
It is appropriate to take the initiative only on the condition that everything suited you in a relationship with a man! And not when you are “both bored and sad, and there is no one to give a hand to.”
It is good and possible to take the initiative when you have a relationship, and not “just sex”, after which the man received an on-duty “I will call” from the man.
A woman should not take «caring» initiative in a relationship with a man who regularly disappears without explanation!
You can show “caring” initiative if the one who always called when he promised did not call back. It is necessary to show a “caring” initiative if the one who always came when he promised did not come.
And this initiative, in any case, should not be in the form of claims. It should be something along the lines of: “Are you alive? Healthy? Here are the goodies! I got it». We put that.e.u. If a person tries to call back with explanations of his “disappearance”, you can carefully listen to what he will say, but do not rush to immediately take it to heart, you need to calmly take note and calmly comprehend everything, how much this is an unforeseen farce-major, and not an emerging indifference. Indifference must be severely suppressed from tiny sprouts. The all-forgiving and all-understanding Mother Teresa does not need to be. You are not a mother, you are a lover. A man takes care of his beloved and never leaves her to the mercy of fate. Always finds ways to warn.
If a woman has not yet been able to build a relationship in which there is a format of mutual obligations, if she is still “nobody” for a man, he has never told her who she is for him: then the best way to influence in such a relationship is inaction. All the initiative is on the male side! Any initiative on your part, especially an overly caring one, will only be to your detriment.
The only misfortune for all these consultations «for the future» about a possible-impossible initiative: women cannot understand in any way that it is necessary to respond to warmth with warmth — it is necessary, in this case, to be mutually initiative; and to respond to shamelessness, inattention and other «frost» with cold — you need to be as uninitiative as possible. But in almost every situation in a rubbing couple, the girls have a question — who started here first? Did he give me the cold first, or did I do it? Sometimes girls, where they shouldn’t, take responsibility for the breakup, and where they should, where she was a dissatisfied snow block all the time, they don’t feel their responsibility …
How is this issue of «insensitivity» to be resolved now? Start by answering yourself — how dear is the guy to you, and ask the guy how dear to him are you, who are you for him? And having dealt with this, turn on the maximum trust and warmth in the relationship. And if you didn’t get an articulate answer from the guy, then end the relationship with him. If you are someone for him, they will always tell you about it, and if you are no one, then they will let in the fog … But, I hope that I dispelled the girlish fog at least a little!
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.