Getting bad reviews is hard to say the least. In response, we are offended, angry, suffering, losing self-confidence or ignoring someone else’s assessment. What if you take criticism constructively? Ideas and techniques of psychotherapist Gale Lindenfield.
1. Be prepared. Well, if you have at least an approximate idea of what you can be criticized for. If you need feedback on your work, ask for it with confidence. Don’t beg for a derogatory response or fake approval by asking questions like «Am I doing this badly?»
2. Remain calm. Check if the body is tense, check the breath.
3. Think positively. Feedback can be very helpful to you. Assertive people are not afraid to make mistakes, seeing them as an opportunity to learn something.
4. Stay in the Adult position. An adult is that part of the personality that is guided by rationality and objectivity. Try to evaluate critical feedback on the following parameters:
- How important is this person’s opinion to you?
- How honest and constructive is this criticism?
“Turn on” your adult part to remind yourself that criticism is only about certain aspects of your behavior. This does not mean that you as a person are completely rejected.
5. Listen carefully. Calmly repeat what your critic says in order to:
- show that you are listening carefully;
- Check if you heard what was said correctly. Anxiety can interfere with the ability to perceive other people’s words, and sometimes even the very ability to hear.
6. Show empathy for those who criticize you. This does not mean self-deprecation. Don’t say things like, «Yeah, it must be awful to live with someone like me.» It’s better to say, «I understand that my behavior may upset you.» Or: “I understand that for some time you have been unhappy with the fact that I…”
7. Take a break. Sometimes it’s better to postpone the conversation until later. Especially if you feel like you can’t hold on to your Adult position because you’re too angry or confused. In this case, arrange to meet another time. Say that you can listen to the interlocutor more carefully later. During this time, you will be able to calm down, rethink all the facts and, if necessary, prepare for a counterattack.
8. Protect yourself. If it seems to you that your critic is unfair or aggressive, or if the time and place for such a conversation are chosen poorly (for example, now you need to gather strength before an important meeting, or your conversation is taking place in a crowded place, or you are just tired) — be assertive and protect yourself.
9. Be clear about exactly what they want to tell you. Ask clarifying questions. For example, if a critic says, «I don’t think a person who behaves the way you do will ever be promoted to manager,» ask them the question, «What is it about my behavior that makes you think so?»
This technique allows you to uncover aggressive and derogatory undertones that can be disguised as benevolent or innocent comments. Sometimes the phrase «Did you buy a new lipstick?» may mean: «How vulgar is that lipstick of yours!». And the question “Were there traffic jams again?” can actually mean «You’re late again!»
10. Share your feelings and thoughts. Respond honestly to constructive criticism, unless you have some specific reason not to. Recognize its positive aspects. For example, you could say, “I was a little taken aback by what you said. But on the other hand, there is reason to think.” Another option: «It was useful for me to hear this, although I cannot agree with you.»
11. Give yourself confidence. Remind yourself of your strengths and your values and what you have achieved. Ask for support from people who love you for who you are.
12. Make a plan of action. If the criticism is fair and you really want to listen to it, change something in your behavior, think about how this can be done. If the criticism is aggressive and unfair and you do not agree with it, but at the same time it hurt or unsettled you, you need to consider some self-defense techniques or understand the root causes of your reaction.
Perhaps the words of the critic reminded you of some significant people in your life, for example, your parents or boss. Understanding the cause can help you get out of this stupor. Maybe you should do self-development, work out your relationships with these people so that past failures no longer deprive you of strength. If you are not able to understand the reasons for your reaction yourself, it is better to consult a psychotherapist.
About the Author: Gail Lindenfield is a psychotherapist, self-development coach, and author.
The material was prepared based on the book by G. Lindenfield “Super-Confidence. Simple Steps to Biuld Self-Assurance» (Thorsons; New edition edition, 2000).