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Do you enjoy being with loved ones? Soothes or hurts? Energizing or devastating? It turns out that our relationships are directly related to certain neural pathways in the brain. Psychiatrist Amy Banks explains how to strengthen these pathways and heal relationships through the CARE system.
There are four neural pathways in our brain that are fueled by good relationships and, conversely, are destroyed or weakened if we avoid contacts or they are too painful. And weakened neural pathways, in turn, prevent us from properly interacting with people. Each neural pathway provides its own relationship benefits. The intelligent vagus transmits signals that help relieve stress. Thanks to the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, we can feel accepted by other people. The mirror system allows you to accurately interpret the actions, intentions, and feelings of those around you. Dopamine pathways associated with healthy relationships produce feelings of energy and satisfaction. Psychiatrist Amy Banks created the CARE program (each letter in the name denotes one of these benefits: calm, acceptance, resonance, energy – “calmness, acceptance, resonance, energy”), which allows you to assess the quality of certain relationships, strengthen broken connections and use them as a tool for self-development. And you can see if there is mutual understanding in your relationship, how energy-consuming they are and whether they bring you satisfaction, you can here.
Pass the tests
- How do you build relationships with others?
- Are you able to maintain intimacy in relationships?
How does this program work? First of all, it allows us to evaluate the quality of our relationships and determine how well each of the four neural pathways is functioning.
Identify the 5 most important people to you. Write down the names of those adults (namely adults, children do not belong to them) with whom you spend the most time. The names of those with whom you communicate most actively, and those who most often own your thoughts, should be at the very top of the list. Don’t make the mistake of only including the ones you like the most on this list! The first five of these are the people whose relationships have the most impact on your brain.
Below in this part, you can analyze your relationship in terms of its stress resistance and security.
Read more:
- Five Signs of a Healthy Relationship
“C” – “calm”: intelligent vagus nerve
The conscious vagus is a nerve that transmits signals that help relieve stress. Every time you see a good friend, the intelligent vagus nerve sends calming signals to the autonomic nervous system to help you relax. However, a disturbed environment in childhood or adolescence can lead to low vagal tone. As a result, you may feel increased anxiety in the social environment and not trust people.
In order to evaluate the work of your intelligent vagus nerve, take a piece of paper and answer how often the following 7 statements are true for each of the five people important to you. Rate the statements on a scale of 1 to 5: 1 = never; 2 = rare or extremely rare; 3 = from time to time; 4 = quite often; 5 = in most cases.
1. I trust this person with my feelings.
2. This person trusts me with their feelings.
3. I feel safe when I am in conflict with this person.
4. This person treats me with respect
5. In a relationship with this person, I find peace.
6. I can count on this person to help me in an emergency.
7. In a relationship with this person, it is safe to acknowledge the differences between us.
Calculate your total points. The maximum score is 175 points (seven statements with a maximum score of 25 each: 5 maximum points x 5 relationships).
Read more:
- “Toxic” person: is it time to part with him?
Amount from 135 to 175 points. You have high vagal tone. Your intelligent vagus nerve is able to perceive the impulses from relationships as soothing, relaxing signals. This means that contact with other people helps you deal with stress in everyday life.
Amount from 100 to 134 points. You are in a state of stress and anxiety more often than you would like. This may be a direct consequence of a relationship that involves a certain amount of risk. You may have low vagal tone; then even if you have a good relationship, your intelligent vagus nerve will not be able to properly transmit stress-reducing signals.
The sum is less than 100 points. Your relationships are dangerous for you and usually increase the level of stress in your life instead of reducing it. A low score may also be a sign of a genetic predisposition to low vagal tone or past violent connections that have blocked the vagus nerve’s ability to perform its functions.
Read more:
- Avoid stress at work
“A” – “acceptance”: dorsal zone of the anterior cingulate cortex
The dorsal anterior cingulate cortex registers both physical and emotional pain. When you feel rejected, she sends out a distress signal. The frequent feeling of social isolation creates tension in the dorsal zone. When this happens, you experience the pain of rejection even when other people try to accept you into their lives.
In order to evaluate the work of the dorsal zone, answer how often the following 7 statements are true for each of the five people important to you. Rate the statements also on a scale of 1 to 5: 1 = never; 2 = rare or extremely rare; 3 = from time to time; 4 = quite often; 5 = in most cases.
1. In a relationship with this person, I find peace.
2. I can count on this person to help me in an emergency.
3. In a relationship with this person, it is safe to acknowledge the differences between us.
4. When I’m with this person, I feel a sense of belonging.
5. Despite our different roles, we communicate with each other as equals.
6. In a relationship with this person, I feel my own importance.
7. In a relationship with this person, a compromise is possible.
To evaluate the performance of the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, add up the scores for all five responses to these statements. The maximum score is 175 points (seven statements with a maximum score of 25 each: 5 maximum points x 5 relationships).
Read more:
- Emotional blackmail: how not to let yourself be manipulated
Amount from 135 to 175 points. The dorsal zone is functioning properly and the relationship makes you feel secure. But when you are excluded from the social circle, she gives a signal of pain. It is quite useful as it tells you when you can trust people and when things go wrong.
Amount from 100 to 134 points. Perhaps you often feel rejected or do not feel like you belong to a social circle. Even when you are among people, you may feel lonely. Perhaps the dorsal zone sends false signals that make you feel insecure even when people are friendly to you.
The sum is less than 100 points. Your relationship signaling system is in a state of chronic stimulation. In all likelihood, this hyperactivity is due to past or present destructive relationships, but it also distorts your perception of all connections, including those that can bring you warmth and mutual support.
You can analyze how functional the other two neural pathways – the mirror and dopamine systems – and understand whether the relationship brings you satisfaction, you can here.
In the book of psychiatrist Amy Banks (Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2015) you will find a detailed description of the CARE program, as well as recommendations and exercises to help activate weakened neural pathways and build healthier, more positive relationships with others.
Amy Banks, MD, is a psychiatrist who taught psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and is currently director of training at the Jean Baker Miller Training Institute. She is in private practice in Lexington, Massachusetts, specializing in relationship neuroscience and therapy for people suffering from a chronic lack of healthy relationships.