How to survive the extinction of parents: advice from a psychologist

I remember that Saturday morning six years ago: my parents and I lived in different cities, and I called them on Skype. It seemed to me that, as usual, we would discuss the week, exchange the latest news, once again I would ask for the recipe for grandma’s pancakes, but I wouldn’t write it down again… And suddenly everything changes – I find out that my mother is sick and she urgently needs help.

Then there were quick preparations, a night flight with a child in her arms, two days of searching for the right doctor, and complete confusion. I had a hard time with this time. There was a strong feeling of fear, and then two months of insomnia. Our life was divided into before and after, when my mother was given a terrible diagnosis. She had changed: she had become vulnerable and fragile, and it still took some getting used to.

Organic changes in the brain, hypertension, oncology, or just old age… There are many reasons why our parents become different with age. For a long time they have been actively involved in our lives and personified reliable external adults, endowed with a miraculous ability to save and heal. But in one moment, everything suddenly changes. The source of love and care is blocked.

Psychologists believe that such events lead to the loss of a sense of security, not only in children and adolescents, but also in adults. At any age, our psyche is afraid to face these traumatic experiences.

Why is it so hard to accept and survive the fading of parents

Loss of the usual external support. Parents can be a source of physical and mental strength for a person, a refuge in difficult times. For a small child, bonding with them is an opportunity to survive. For an adult – knowledge and wisdom, emotional support and connection with their childhood.

The loss of parental support in most cases will not be a fatal event for a person. But it provokes the experience of being “abandoned” one on one with the world. This is especially felt if the parents and children had a close relationship.

Change of roles and new responsibility. With the extinction or illness of a parent, we not only lose the usual support. We are facing new challenges for us in solving medical and domestic issues. These changes are felt more acutely when a person simultaneously experiences changes in his personal life: if he takes a serious step in his career, starts a family or gets divorced, has children.

These are energy-consuming activities, and here the need to actively help parents is added to them. We have to adapt to the new reality, change the way of life, sometimes even the format of employment, combine different roles. This is not an easy task, difficult from a practical and emotional point of view.

Misunderstanding on the part of others. Our society condemns too much attachment to parents and longing for their support and warmth in adulthood. To worry that your mother does not support you at 25, 35, 45 years old is considered strange. As if the importance of external care after 18 sharply disappears.

Because of this prejudice, the state of a person experiencing a crisis because his parent is fading is also aggravated by thoughts that “something is wrong” with him. But in fact, our inner child will always need a parent. To be heard, supported and believed in.

How to help yourself get through this time

During this difficult period, it is important for a person to solve several problems. He needs to learn to experience the lack of familiar support, get used to the new image of his parent, new role and new relationships. What should be given special attention?

• Learn to take care of yourself. This is especially true for physical condition. Pay attention to your health, sleep, comfort, minimize the negative factors that prevent you from recovering. During this period, you will need a lot of strength, so it is so important to create suitable conditions for life and recreation. Even just by taking care of your dinner and timely going to bed, you create a sense of security that is so important during this period and improve the quality of your life.
• Look at the situation more broadly. In a stressful situation, a person tends to dwell on negative circumstances and see the future only in dark colors: “My life is not working out,” “I’m not lucky,” “Why do I need all this?”. To cope with difficult thoughts, try to treat your relationship with your parents as a story in which there were reasons not only for grief, but also for joy. “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it was”: from this position it is much easier to accept the natural and inevitable changes in our lives and in our relationships.
• Find meaning in what is happening. Try to answer yourself the question: “What is the point of what is happening?”, “What is changing in me and my life the current situation?”, “What is the best attitude to what is happening?”, “What value can I rely on now?” . The search for meaning is an appeal to your inner wisdom, intelligence and observation. Such work of the mind helps to regain a sense of support and gives strength to constructively interact with circumstances.

• Speak your feelings. This is the only way to avoid becoming a hostage to fear, guilt, irritation and other difficult experiences. The state of confusion and resentment often manifests itself cyclically. For example, each time a person experiences stress, the person again suffers from a lack of supportive communication with their parents. Speaking out these emotions or keeping a diary provides an opportunity to reduce the intensity of such experiences.
• Look for other sources of support. The presence of mentors, relatives, friends is essential during this period. Supportive communication will help you cope with the situation and learn to live in new circumstances faster and without major worries.
• Become a parent to yourself. It is important to pay attention not only to external support, but also internal. Pay attention to how you react to yourself, your actions and experiences. Try to be on your side, don’t criticize yourself, educate yourself as a supportive parent. You need to become for yourself that person who will say at the right time: “Don’t worry. You are doing great. You try so hard” or “I know you can. It’s important to do it now.”

Parents have been with us for 20, 30, 40 or 50 years. They kissed and hugged, cured colds, rubbed green on their knees, knew all about our nightmares. We are afraid to lose them. And it is impossible to adapt to their extinction overnight.

There are no magic tools and switches that would help you quickly learn how to live in a new way. This is a marathon that requires strength, time and wisdom.