How to survive in the office

Tip 1: Anticipate and be fully prepared

Whoever they are, they are predictable. Narcissists will climb onto the pedestal at every opportunity and push you out of there. The defenseless will always complain. Sneaky and Podliza – walk near the boss’s office. Buller – to bully and scare newcomers.

While it’s not always possible to predict when the next show will start, at least you know what the topic will be. Use it to your advantage. Most likely, if the conflict takes you by surprise, the first reaction will be instinctive – irritation, anger, surprise. You will respond impulsively and without thinking. Either under the influence of a general nervous atmosphere, or under the influence of captivating emotions: resentment or indignation. And this is not an option. All this only aggravates the situation and brings obvious pleasure to the one who started it.

Tip 2: don’t respond in kind

Such colleagues are obvious manipulators, and therefore the more chaos and irritation arises around the conflict they have caused, the more energy they receive from it. You can only act against them using their own methods if you yourself are a manipulator – which is unlikely. In addition, the cards that they hide up their sleeves and their methods are far from the ideas of a decent person. In this sport, they have an advantage, backed up by years of training.

Instead, use one of the principles of martial arts: do not make an effort to strike. You go forward without resisting the blow, and deflect until the opponent loses his balance. Then use his own gravity and acceleration to unbalance him and “drop” him to the floor.

Do not react to the emotions with which a colleague breaks into the working atmosphere. And even more difficult, do not react to the emotions that he seeks to arouse in you with his actions. Keep your interactions as short and polite as possible.

If you are forced into a conflict, do not start a fight and do not find out who is right. Say calmly: “Let’s admit that we have different views on this issue” and invite someone to make a decision: “It seems like it’s better to call Suzanne, we’ll do as she says.” Don’t expect the decision to be in your favor – now it’s more important to get out of the line of fire unscathed.

It is very difficult at first not to follow the natural instinct to protect yourself. But if you answer with restraint and without emotion several times, a colleague will stop receiving from you what he needed – your energy and emotions. He will go in search of someone who will play this game with full dedication.

Tip 3: Don’t take nitpicking personally

When once again the office turns into a buzzing hive, from which angry individuals fly out into the corridor, do not forget that a minute before that everything was quiet and calm in it. The work went on as usual. So, it’s only about who started it, and not about you. In some ways, he feels insecure and uses provocation as a shield that will cover up his incompetence or lack of social skills.

In any case, even if he found fault with you, do not make excuses and, moreover, do not question your professionalism. Instead, consider what you might have in common with him that would help you coexist civilly in the same workspace.

Let’s practice

Let’s say a colleague is used to blaming you for something you didn’t do at all. If this is repeated repeatedly, then it will not surprise you the next time, no matter how blatant the lie.

Your task is, the next time you hear her “quote you” to someone, do not jump up and shout “Not true!” or “In what dream did you dream about this?”.

Instead, say softly and politely, “I’m sorry you think so. What did I do to make you think I…?” It is possible that further a colleague will get a real scroll of all conceivable and inconceivable sins that you made in the distant past.

Listen to everything calmly, while others will also be interested in making a conclusion about how, for example, your colleague is vindictive. Say that you would like to focus on a real, specific issue so that there is an opportunity to correct everything. Try to compromise.

Why do it? First, you pass the ball to the opponent’s field and get to know the essence of the problem, how it looks in the eyes of a colleague. Secondly, let her let off steam and even agree with her. Thirdly, you are on her side because you want to solve the problem, which means that the conflict has no reason. Well, the main goal of your communication with such an employee has been achieved – to start and end it without drama and attracting the general public.

What to avoid

There are several moments that work to “warm up” the situation, making it explosive and unpredictable. How to avoid escalating a conflict in which a colleague is interested, not you?

• Avoid sarcasm and ironic snarky comments.
• Do not make excuses.
• Avoid emotions. Speak calmly and quietly, do not raise your tone, do not rush, and do not talk excitedly or with suffering notes in your voice. It is difficult to keep the intensity of passions at the same level when you are answered calmly and indifferently.
• Avoid the word “you” (or worse, “you yourself”) and any judgments (“Don’t talk nonsense”). Speak for yourself or for both of you: “I don’t quite understand what you want to say”, “How can we solve this problem?”
• Do not get involved with all your soul in what is happening, do not let it capture you without a trace. Figuratively speaking, let a part of you be somewhere in another, normal world and remember that there are many more important things for you in it besides a pointless argument with a colleague.
• The longer the attack drags on, the harder it is to remain calm. If you can leave, say, “It’s hard for me to understand you when you’re screaming. Perhaps we will try to solve this problem a little later, when we both calm down. And get out of the room if possible.

Look for another place

If you’ve tried everything you can think of and the situation is only getting worse, consider moving to a different department if you work in a large organization.

The recommendation that many psychologists give to talk to the boss may well end up with the two of you offering to leave the office for you. Stranger things have happened in office wars, too. But before you venture to extreme measures, do one more thing…

Ask yourself frankly…

And this will be the most difficult question: are you really an innocent victim of an insidious colleague who comes from nightmares, or are you making your small and feasible contribution to the problem? Is it possible that – purely hypothetically – you also challenge someone with your behavior? For example, highly professional employees are often perfectionists. They show no tolerance for mistakes – neither their own nor those of others, and are often impatient, and some are arrogant.

But do not forget the main thing: colleagues have no power over you, except for what you yourself give them, reacting to their behavior. And it is in your power to deprive them of this power.