Betrayal is often associated with a stab in the back. Well sharpened knife. Such an act causes pain and shock. What to do if you find yourself in a similar situation? How to be healed? Says a clinical psychologist.
Betrayal can take many forms. A loved one who has an affair on the side, a close friend who spreads bad rumors about you, a business partner who ran away with money and left you to deal with creditors are just a few typical examples.
In my work, I come across such stories from time to time, and what strikes me most is the emotional reaction it causes in those who have become its victims. It inflicts wounds, confidence crumbles to dust, and shame often hides under rage and amazement.
Some react to betrayal by hiding from the world and avoiding communication altogether. Sometimes they try to keep the fact a secret — especially when it comes to personal life. A victim of adultery may be reluctant to make the incident public for fear of public stigma.
Isolation dooms us to loneliness and alienation, which can eventually lead to depression.
The one who was betrayed is not to blame for what happened, but may feel responsible for it and feel shame. In therapy, I often ask clients, “Why are you so ashamed? Did you cheat/steal/lied/spread rumors?
By hiding from others information about an event that is painful for us, we thereby deprive ourselves of the opportunity to receive support or see what happened from a different point of view. Because of this, we begin to blame ourselves for being naive or to argue that we ourselves provoked the betrayal. Isolation dooms us to loneliness and alienation, which can eventually lead to depression. But to successfully heal trauma, we need just the opposite.
How to heal from the trauma of betrayal and regain confidence?
1. Allow yourself to process what happened. Some take action immediately, but it’s perfectly fine to give yourself time before reacting. This is especially important if you have thoughts of revenge.
2. Take care of yourself — both physically and emotionally. Eat right, exercise, get enough sleep, and be kind to yourself.
3. Try to protect yourself from further damage, which the «traitor» can inflict on you. For example, if a business partner turned out to be financially unscrupulous, deal with financial issues as quickly as possible. If you have been cheated on, but you have decided not to break off relations yet, protect yourself from possible diseases.
4. Share your experiences with someone you trust. It’s not the time to hide. Communicate more often with those who appreciate you, know your best qualities well and will help you not to drop your self-esteem.
5. Don’t take the blame for what happened. Remind yourself why you were in a relationship with this person and what you hoped for. Show compassion for yourself, remembering that betrayal is quite common and many have experienced it.
Sometimes after it it seems that we can no longer trust anyone. It is important to maintain relationships with people who can help us, communication with whom gives us strength and brings joy. Do not let what happened destroy your relationship with those who have never done anything wrong to you. Try to find time every day to talk about something pleasant and positive.
Recovery from betrayal will take time. During this period, it is important to treat yourself with maximum kindness and attention. You deserve it.
About the author: Nadine van der Linden is a clinical psychologist.