When we go to a meeting at school, our brain makes a “time loop” and takes us back to childhood. With all the emotions and tension that was associated with the parent-teacher meetings of our childhood. It is important to remind yourself: “I have grown up, I am an adult.”
1. When we go to school. we often initially oppose ourselves and our families to the school and the education system. And they are pre-configured for resistance.
It’s important: keep the focus inside – we cooperate with the school for the benefit of the child. Teachers are not enemies. They themselves are often frightened by judging and criticizing parents and administration.
2. Do you still believe that grades reflect objective knowledge? If we are obsessed with grades, then we lose the opportunity to harmoniously relate to mistakes and develop. And we make neurotic perfectionists or “don’t care” out of children.
Only a parent – and not everyone – is able to realize how many steps the child has taken towards the “new” assessment. Only a competent and sensitive teacher evaluates the dynamics and contribution of the child to himself and to the subject.
3. The current education system is still oriented towards classical IQ. Logical-linguistic. Please read Howard Gardner’s Theory of Multiple Intelligences. He describes:
- Logical-mathematical intelligence
- Verbal-linguistic intelligence
- Пространственно-механистический интеллект
- Музыкальный интеллект
- Bodily-kinesthetic intelligence
- Interpersonal-social intelligence
- intrapersonal intelligence
A child who gets bad grades in physics may well be successful in some other direction.
4. No matter how a child learns, no matter what they say about him, this should not affect our self-esteem and make us feel like a “bad parent”. For this feeling of “badness” parents sometimes “revenge” the child, having come from the meeting.
Behind every systemic “misconduct” of a child, behind his “badness”, there is an unobvious, but important reason. When the teacher says: “… and now your grades,” you can see how the backs of the parents “stiffen.”
Important: the grades we are told about are not grades for us or our children. Both we and our children are consistently good and unique. These are assessments of knowledge and diligence in a particular subject. A bad grade doesn’t mean that the child – or the parent – is bad, we remember that, don’t we?
5. It is unethical to voice assessments and talk about the “unproductiveness” of a child in public, especially comparing it with others. We can safely stop the teacher and ask him to talk with parents alone on this topic.
It is important to remember
- The child does not learn, that is, does not perceive information from the teacher, whom he fears and does not respect. That’s how our brain works.
- Если вам кажется, что у ребенка плохие оценки по конкретному предмету, уточните оценки других детей. Если у большинства детей оценки такие же, то проблема может быть в учителе.
- A child often in school life compensates for something that is “understaffed” in the family. For example, responds with poor academic performance to resentment or parental pressure.
- There are age-specific features that the education system does not take into account at all. For example, in those very years when the school load is huge and exams are on the nose, the hippocampus – it is also responsible for long-term memory – is in a depressed state. This means that the brain is not able to cope with the amount of information, verses and formulas are really not remembered, and the nervous and cardiovascular systems are working at their limit. The decline in academic performance and “school apathy” at this time are natural.
- In adolescence, the authority of female teachers is greatly reduced, as they fall into the “mother” archetype.
6. Parents are the shield that protects the child. Whatever happens, he can and must count on our understanding. It is important to ask yourself the question: am I a mom-dad or a representative of the system?
If we understand that something needs to be corrected, it is worth deciding: I can handle it myself, or an assistant is needed – a psychologist, tutor, tutor. Sometimes it is important for a child to get into a different group so that he can show other qualities, feel “new” in a different environment.
Sometimes a new hobby becomes a catalyst for development, and sometimes the work of a psychologist and a tutor is really important.
7. In whatever state we may return from the meeting, it is important to think about how to support your child, for which he should be praised. And only then begin the “debriefing”, if it is needed at all. For example, you can say about what qualities and skills of a child you respect.
All these points are written so that when you return home you can sincerely say that you love your child. And if you had the opportunity to choose children, you would choose him. Even if it can be difficult, sad, insulting with him … And school is, of course, an important part of life, but it’s just a part.
Happy growing up!
About the Developer
Svetlana Roiz – child and family psychologist, author of the books “Magic Wand for Parents” (Nika-Center, 2005), “Where an Angel Lives” (Nika-Center, 2008). Author of the project “Child Science” – a training program for parents, teachers and psychologists on child psychology. Head of the Psychological Studio (Kyiv, Ukraine).