How to survive a divorce for a woman with children: 10 tips from a psychologist

Remember the rule: put on the oxygen mask first on yourself, then on the child? The same applies in a divorce situation – first stabilize your own condition, otherwise you will not be able to help the child. What do you need to do to bring yourself to your senses?

1. Become aware of what is happening to you

Living through a divorce is like mourning for the dead. A woman goes through the same stages:

• shock – the woman does not believe in what happened;
• anger – attacks of uncontrolled aggression, anger, hatred;
• bargaining – a woman agrees to everything, just to return her husband;
• awareness – an understanding of what happened comes, depression and apathy often occur;
• acceptance – a woman accepts the fact of divorce, comes to terms with reality, begins to build her life further.

Realizing what stage of divorce you are now in and what emotions and experiences are inherent in it, this is already support in a state of crisis.

2. Take a time out

The first 2-3 months after a divorce are the most difficult. This is the so-called “shock phase”, and in a state of shock there is a risk of making a lot of mistakes. Therefore, in order to avoid rash and impulsive actions, allow yourself to take time out and not make any important decisions during this period. Let the brain and psyche return to a more or less stable state, when you can think soberly and rationally.

3. Dose negativity by the hour

Anger, fear, discouragement, despair, confusion, and other negative feelings are normal. You need to experience them and allow the psyche to react to them so that they do not settle inside you in the form of neuroses or other mental abnormalities.

But your task now is to survive the stage of divorce, to remain in a resource state in order to live and move on, take care of yourself and your children. So learn to manage your emotions.

Suffer by the hour. Choose two hours a week when you allow yourself to sink into negative experiences, reflections, and emotions. If a wave of negativity hits at another time, say “stop” and return to these thoughts at the indicated hours.

The delay technique will allow you to maintain efficiency, since mental chewing gum, negative emotions and suffering take away a lot of strength, which is already in short supply.

4. Return to the here and now

Focus on what is happening to you right now. What do you see outside the window? Trees? What are they – high or low, what shape are the leaves on the trees, what color are they? Open the window, breathe in fresh air. What do you feel in your lungs?

Bring thoughts and feelings back to real time from the past or future. Neither the past nor the future exists in the present moment. Returning to the “here and now” state more often, this will provide an opportunity to switch from negative thoughts and reduce anxiety.

5. Feel free to ask for help

Sometimes the fear of appearing weak, unsuccessful, or generally worse than others prevents us from asking for help. Do not shut yourself up, do not refuse help, do not heroically try to pull everything out on your own. Ask for and accept support. Greet the kids from school, shop for groceries, help clean up – many of those around you will be happy to help.

6. Take care of your health

Body and mind are inextricably linked. When the psyche suffers, the body must be a strong support for it in order to withstand all the intensity of passions.

Eat right, sleep and rest regularly, and be physically active. Walk more and be in the fresh air, charging the body with energy and stimulating the production of endorphins in the body, the hormones of happiness that you need during this period.

7. Make a contract with yourself for pleasure

Write a list of things that bring you pleasure. Dancing, drawing, sweet tea, movies, a warm blanket, a beautiful candle, a fragrant body cream. Let it be the most insignificant things, the main thing is that they give you a feeling of happiness and pleasure.

Make an agreement with yourself: at least once a day you will give yourself one item from the list. This will help you maintain a much-needed balance between satisfaction and frustration in your life.

Now that air has flowed through the oxygen mask and it has become a little easier for you to breathe, help the child.

8. Never turn a child against a spouse

Children always unconsciously identify themselves as 50% mom and 50% dad. If you tell them what a worthless and dishonorable father they have, they will always take these words personally – because they half identify themselves with their father.

All the negativity that you send to your spouse, you automatically direct to your children. The inability to separate oneself from the father and at the same time the desire to please the mother creates an insoluble internal conflict in the child, which can lead to sad consequences.

9. Explain to the children that it is not their fault in the divorce.

Children are very sensitive to the divorce of their parents. They put the blame on themselves. Do not ignore the experiences and feelings of children, discuss with them their doubts and fears. Do not go away from the topic of divorce, do not remain silent. If your children ask about divorce, talk to them about the subject for as long as they need to. But in a conversation, focus on the fact that they are not to blame for what happened.

10. Create an atmosphere of emotional safety for children

Children perceive the world by the reaction of their parents. By the way you react to the situation, they judge the global changes in their personal universe. If you are in apathy, depression, or even worse – in aggression, for them this will be the final collapse of their own world.

They will think: since mom is so bad, it means that their life is in danger and there is no hope for a successful resolution of the situation. Create an atmosphere of safety for children, try to behave positively, calmly, relaxed, and friendly in their presence. Reassure the children that everything will be fine. To do this, believe in it yourself.