How to survive a breakup with a toxic person and find yourself

It can be very painful for us to end a relationship in which a lot of mental strength has been invested and with which many vivid experiences are associated. Even if we are rationally aware that a partner or relative manipulated us, devalued us, and we lived in an atmosphere of emotional (or physical) violence.

When deciding to part, we begin to doubt: “Suddenly everything will change?”, “I spent so much energy, how can I quit?” “There were good things too…” According to psychologist Shahida Arabi, the inability to break away from a destructive person is due to attachment trauma, codependency, low self-esteem and low self-worth. But we can still help ourselves.

Shahida Arabi has been researching the topic of psychological abuse for many years. In Toxic People, she suggests the following steps.

Avoid contact with a toxic person for at least 90 days

Try to completely stop contact with a person who has poisoned your life for a long time. Only distance will help to get rid of its destructive influence, take a sober look at relationships and start living differently.

Set a goal: not to get in touch for at least 90 days. This is exactly the period that people who refuse drugs need to detoxify the body, and toxic love is akin to addiction. Many people find it helpful to have a calendar or diary to keep track of their progress.

Please wait one day before contacting

When you feel tempted to get in touch with an ex, give yourself a break. Wait at least one day to sort out your feelings. Keep postponing this decision until the desire is gone.

Give yourself time to grieve

When the toxic person is gone from your life, you are more likely to experience grief. Remember that this is normal. The fact is, the more you resist negative thoughts and emotions, the more they take over.

Consider: what emotion are you trying to avoid? Write down your thoughts and feelings about her. Fill Your Days with Joyful Activities If you can’t cut contact, create a weekly schedule that includes enjoyable, distracting activities such as hanging out with friends, going to comedy shows, getting massages, taking long walks, and reading books.

Breaking biochemical bonds

“Why is it so hard for me to just end a relationship?” This is one of the most common questions that victims of toxic people ask. The fact is that at the heart of toxic relationships lies the trauma of attachment. And chemicals such as oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin and adrenaline play a key role in the formation of attachment to a sexual partner. Therefore, the release must be carried out at the hormonal level.

Dopamine

This neurotransmitter is associated with the pleasure center in the brain and plays a leading role in the formation of desires and attachments. Early in a relationship, a toxic person literally floods you with admiration and attention. You feel emotionally aroused, energized, and dopamine starts to be produced in you. But even more actively it is released if you receive caresses and other signs of love from a partner at an unpredictable moment.

Alternating between disappointment and attraction in a toxic relationship enhances love. Therefore, the emotional swing that the narcissist arranges beckons. Replace this addiction with healthy alternatives.

• Focus on your goals, dreams and aspirations – make a list of things you would like to do that will bring newness to your life, take you out of your comfort zone. Well, if they are associated with physical activity, they will include a share of risk and uncertainty.
• Associate with people with whom you feel good because of their positive attitude. Choose friends who cheer you up. Keep in mind that social interaction can be draining: alternate time alone with social contacts – so that you feel an increase in energy, not a decline.
• Enjoying privacy is also important. It allows you to get used to the calmness and joy that can be in your life without the presence of a toxic person in it. Consider: What are three small things you can do on your own this week?

Oxytocin

This hormone of tenderness and affection is released during physical contact. Thanks to him, we feel closeness and trust to the partner. It is in order to interrupt the influence of the oxytocin connection that it is necessary to stop contact with the one who hurt you, or minimize them. What else can we do to ease the separation period?

• Animal Therapy: Oxytocin is also released in the body when you pet animals. Dog petting increases oxytocin levels in both dog and owner. And the latter also reduces the level of cortisol, the stress hormone.
• Oxytocin can be released through physical contact with anyone with whom you have a positive relationship. Get into the habit of hugging the people you care about.
• Casual flirting: take it lightly: make contact, chat, go on random dates without commitment (but only if you can not expect much and not put your soul into such a relationship).
• There is a connection between oxytocin and the capacity for compassion. So it’s good to support a friend, make a donation, volunteer for some worthy cause, or let someone talk.

Serotonin

When we fall in love, our serotonin levels go down and cortisol levels go up. This combination creates a strong infatuation, even an obsession with the object of love, as a result of which the preservation of the relationship seems to be a matter of life and death. Try increasing your serotonin levels naturally.

• To get a daily dose of the hormone, take morning and evening walks in sunny weather.
• Massage can lower cortisol levels, increase serotonin and dopamine levels, and reduce stress.
• Happy memories can also boost serotonin production. Flip through an album of old photos, reread your diaries, and watch home videos. This will have a double effect: in this way we increase the level of serotonin and at the same time we do not allow ourselves to drive in a circle thoughts about sad events.
• Another tip: add some physical activity to your day. It has a good effect on several neurotransmitters at once: norepinephrine, dopamine and serotonin, and also reduces cortisol levels.

If you need to save a relationship: safety precautions

It is likely that you and your former partner are connected by circumstances: for example, joint parenting of a child or obligations in a business. If your goal is not to cut contact completely, but to minimize it, consider what forms of communication you can tolerate.

Do you allow phone calls or do you want to limit yourself to text messages? Will you communicate on holidays or are you ready for personal meetings only in emergency cases? Think carefully about these and other questions before declaring contact restrictions.