How to support others? 5 failed tactics and one working

People around us often turn to us for support. But for some reason, nowhere is it taught how to properly support. As a result, the best intentions lead to mutual dissatisfaction, alienation or feelings of helplessness.

“A thirteen-year-old daughter complains to me that she has gained weight. I answer her that all this is nonsense, she is simply beautiful and let her put these thoughts out of her head. The daughter shuts up and leaves.

“A colleague, almost crying, talks about a conflict with her boss. I give her some practical advice, but for some reason she gets angry and says that you won’t get support from me. ”

“A friend is always unhappy with her husband. She tells me another story, and in response I notice that she is not sugar either. I propose to analyze the situation, look at it through the eyes of her husband. She is offended, says that I am on his side. She is very close to me — but don’t lie if I don’t consider her right ?!

Often we share experiences in the hope that it will become easier, in the end we only feel worse.

What is real support? What can and cannot be done to make others or ourselves feel better? To understand this, let’s try to imagine ourselves in their place. At what point does this happen?

Usually we turn to another person when we are having difficulty coping with feelings. Something happened, unsettled us, caused confusion, resentment, disappointment or anxiety. Emotions that overwhelm us make it difficult to see the solution and in themselves cause discomfort. What we need at this moment is understanding and participation.

We feel supported when the other sincerely tries to understand what is happening to us and why, “get into our slippers”, and does this with sympathy and interest. How to learn it?

What can not be considered support

1. Denial of feelings

Often, when we want to console someone, our automatic response contains the message, “You shouldn’t feel this way. Don’t be so upset! It’s not the end of the world! How can you feel miserable — you have a great job, a loving husband and a wonderful child. What’s the point of worrying so much, it’s better to look at the world with a smile, and everything will be fine!

Sometimes it’s hard for us to put ourselves in the place of another. It seems that the problem is far-fetched, we ourselves would never have done this, our difficulties are many times greater than the problems of the “complaintant”. Offering not to feel so intense and switching to the positive seems like a simple solution.

But we cannot control emotions by turning off some and turning on others. So, no matter how stupid the interlocutor’s reaction to the problem may seem to us, he really feels and sees in this way what he needs now — recognition of what is happening to him.

2. Tips

“And if I were you, I would do this …”, “Do you know what you need to do?” «Trust my experience, you should…»

When it seems to us that we know the solution to the problem, it is very tempting to offer it right there: the interlocutor will follow the advice, the situation will be resolved, and there will be nothing to worry about. The trap is that when we are overwhelmed with emotions, we are not able to perceive the most practical recommendations. And if the advice came at the moment of an emotional peak, the chance that the interlocutor will get angry or give up on you is great. Moreover, advice is only good if it is asked for directly. Usually, we are quite capable of resolving the situation on our own, as soon as the excitement and sadness recede.

3. An offer to be philosophical

“Life is like a zebra: now you have a black stripe, which means you have a white one ahead. All people suffer, just accept it. What can I do, such is life!

Many philosophical sayings seem true and logical. The problem is that in this case they are useless. They contain a proposal to look at life from a bird’s eye view, but when the interlocutor is focused on a specific complexity, “glued” to it, such a proposal can be perceived as indifference or devaluation of experiences. It follows from these sayings that what is happening must be accepted, but this is precisely what a person who has applied for support cannot do. All this leads to a loss of emotional contact.

4. Trying to be a psychologist

“I think this is a manifestation of your narcissistic disorder. I read that such people get very upset if they are not praised”, “Your anger at your husband is anger at your father that you cannot express”, “In fact, you want to lose weight to be loved. Don’t be upset that you’re overeating again, it’s still the wrong way.»

The passion for popular psychology makes many people want to try to apply the knowledge gained in books and articles not only on themselves, but also on others. Perhaps you go to a psychologist and are satisfied with the results. It seems to you that you are above the interlocutor, as if you become an expert, ready to diagnose another, but for most this causes resistance and irritation.

5. Merging with the emotions of the interlocutor

“Poor fellow! How are you, what a grief…”, “When you cry, I want to cry too! I can’t imagine how you’ll manage, it’s so hard. How could he do this to you, I’m so angry!”

Sometimes the one who asks for help experiences very strong emotions. At the same time, you know behind yourself that you are very sensitive and “infected” with the state of others. As soon as you communicate with someone who is worried, you immediately become uncomfortable. A friend is sad — and for you the colors of life fade.

Your interlocutor is overwhelmed with emotions, and they quickly pass into you, and now the two of you need emotional support. At the same time, your counterpart receives a message: «Your situation is really so terrible that I cannot bear it.»

So how should it be?

Now let’s see how we can and should help. Let me remind you that we feel supported when another person sincerely tries to understand what is happening to us and why. How to give this feeling to another?

1. Listen carefully. Do not interrupt, follow what the interlocutor says. Ask questions to better understand what this situation means to the person, what he is worried about.

2. Guess how he feels or summarize what he said. You can say, “You’re sick of this job and want to look for other options, but it’s scary. I was very confused in the same situation … And how are you? Or suggest: “You seem very angry?”

This is how we show empathy, empathize with the emotional state of another person. Seeing that he is sad, we can also feel a slight sadness, and these feelings allow us to assume what is happening with the interlocutor. With the help of empathy, we say to a person: “I am with you.” Not “I feel sorry for you”, but “I understand you and stay by your side”.

3. Recognize that these feelings are normal.“Many are worried in such situations”, “Yes, if I thought that the boss underestimated me, I would also be offended”, “It’s clear why you feel that way.” You have to be sincere: if you understand that in such a situation you would behave and feel differently, it is better to remain silent. It is important that you understand what motivates the interlocutor, how he sees the situation, then it will be easier to recognize that such feelings are adequate in his perception.

4. Discuss the solution. Often at this stage, the interlocutor already feels less confused or upset, ready to solve the problem or cope with feelings on his own. But if you see that the emotional intensity has subsided, you can offer to analyze the situation, ask if you need advice.

Now that you know the failed and successful support tactics, all that remains is to practice, and then no one else will tell you: «I wish I hadn’t told you anything at all.»