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When a loved one learns a terrible diagnosis or becomes a victim of an accident, it is important to help him survive this ordeal. But how do you find the right words? What to do and what not to do? Psychologists, doctors and patients tell.
“The world has collapsed”, “the ground has gone from under their feet” – this is how patients and their relatives describe their condition after the terrible news. “Having learned about what happened, you are most likely confused, shocked, scared,” suggests Anne Moyer, assistant professor of psychology at Stony Brook University.
“Whatever feelings you experience, they are normal. Any serious health problem means significant changes in life, and this is always scary, agrees Melody Winever, a neurologist and neurophysiologist from Columbia University. Your plans and expectations are coming to an end. It is difficult for both you and the patient himself to comprehend and realize this sudden change.
There is no universal formula for how to deal with a situation. There are details that you need to remember when trying to support a loved one.
1. First reaction: say something
You just found out that a misfortune happened to a loved one. “It is better to find at least some words than to remain silent,” said Ron Blake, who suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) due to sexual abuse. – Say at least something: for example, that you don’t know what words to choose. Silence at such a moment is very depressing.
The main thing is to clearly show that you understand the seriousness of the situation. Speak with sincerity and compassion, such as “I don’t know how to help yet, but you are very important to me” or “I want to help you in any way I can.”
2. Don’t draw attention to yourself
“We all think of ourselves first — that’s human nature,” Melody Winever explains. But when dealing with a seriously ill loved one, try not to succumb to this natural desire. “Bracket yourself” and give him the opportunity to share his feelings and experiences. For example, you could say, “I can’t even imagine how you feel right now. Would you like to share it?”
3. Don’t ask how you can help, just help
It would seem natural to suggest to the patient: “If you need any help, just say it.” “But it can put him in an awkward position, and he will have to think about what you can do for him,” says Nick Arquette, founder and head of a charity that helps relatives of cancer patients. “The best thing you can do for a loved one is to save him from having to ask you for help.”
Take on some of his daily chores: laundry, paying bills, cooking. Or just offer to take a walk: during the walk, he will be able to speak out, share his pain.
Do something that will give the patient and his family joy and a sense of normalcy
Christina Pandapas, who was diagnosed with stage 46 colon cancer at XNUMX, agrees that even the simplest signs of attention and support mean a lot. “The best help is to cook dinner for the whole family, take the children to school, take them to some activities, or even leave them for the night. Do something that will give the patient and his family joy and a sense of normalcy.”
If you do not want to bother the patient with questions, you can ask his or her partner how best to help. Some people feel uncomfortable asking for help directly, even if they really need it.
4. Don’t play the expert
Even if you are a doctor or have experienced a similar injury or illness, remember that each person’s experience is unique. “Most often, a group of specialists is engaged in the treatment of a seriously ill patient. It is unlikely that they need advice from amateurs who supposedly know everything, because the wife of their second cousin was ill with the same, ”explains Christina Pandapas. They do not need your overly optimistic forecasts, even if you make them with the best of intentions. “You don’t have to tell the patient that everything will be fine, because in reality no one knows for sure whether it will,” says Rachel Sauper Sanders, who suffers from chronic pain after a serious car accident.
Do not make hasty conclusions about the patient’s condition by his appearance. Many health problems are invisible from the outside, and it may be unpleasant for the patient to hear that everything is supposedly in order with him.
5. Try to cheer up
“It is better not to ask the patient how he feels, even if you really want to know. So you just once again remind him of the disease, says Christina Pandapas. “Personally, I didn’t think about her most of the time, but when someone started asking me how I was feeling, I could hardly hold back tears.” Instead of tormenting the patient with questions, simply cheer him up: “You are an amazing person!” And if you still want to know how he’s feeling or how he’s progressing with treatment, ask, “What’s new?”
6. If the patient is not in the mood to talk, do not take it personally.
Everyone copes with the disease in their own way. “Most people in this situation are happy to have someone to talk to, but there are those who are not ready to talk openly about health,” Melody Winever explains.
Both options are normal – do not pressure someone who does not want to talk about his illness. It’s better to say: “If you want me to leave or don’t torment you with questions, just say. I will not be offended!” It is also desirable to learn not to feel discomfort from silence. You should not immediately break it by telling something from your life. Perhaps the patient needs silence at the moment.
7. Help bring back a sense of normalcy
“Support should be multifaceted. Feeling sick is terribly tiring,” says Christina Pandapas. Spend time with him doing something ordinary: go to yoga together, walk the dogs, talk about things that do not concern his illness – all this will help the patient to distract from gloomy thoughts.
Rachel Sanders was unable to leave the house due to injuries sustained in the accident, which had a negative impact on her social life and relationships. “It was great when someone just came to talk to me,” she recalls.
8. Don’t disappear
Immediately after an injury or a serious diagnosis, the patient is usually surrounded by vigilant care. But after a few days or weeks, many of those who first paid attention to him disappear, although the disease has not disappeared. Tune in to the fact that your support will be needed for a long time. Do not forget about the little things: for example, you can regularly send SMS to the sick person with words of support.
Christina Pandapas says that her friends continued to help and support her until she was on the mend, and this meant a lot to her: “They were surprisingly sensitive to the right moment. When I was tired and felt worse, flowers would suddenly appear at my doorstep or a friend would call. And more importantly, they constantly reminded me how strong I am and how proud they are of me, and thus helped not to give up.
Care, all possible help, willingness to be there, words of encouragement will help a loved one cope with a difficult test, or at least make his life a little easier and more pleasant.