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You try not to talk about money with your loved one, because such a conversation inevitably leads to a quarrel. But perhaps there is a way to discuss financial matters without criticizing or blaming each other?
Disagreements between partners are inevitable. Conflicts can be very difficult to deal with, but ideally they help to strengthen relationships and help find common ground. Another thing is when it comes to financial relationships within a couple. Who pays for what? Who is serving whom for dinner? Who buys groceries for the week? What part of the salary can be spent “on pins”? Is it worth investing part of the family budget in your friend’s startup without discussing it with your spouse?
Psychologist Susan Krauss Whitburn is sure that if you and your partner have disagreements about how your income should be spent, this can seriously affect the level of relationship satisfaction. She cites a study done by financial therapists1 from the University of Kansas in 2019.
They found that talking about money was the number one potential source of conflict in a couple. At the same time, the stress associated with finances, as well as the frequency of conversations between spouses on this topic, increase the likelihood of divorce.
Under the influence of the fight-or-flight response, we either attack the partner who brought up an unpleasant topic, or move away from the conflict.
Luckily, there are ways to not only get through a bad situation, but also to bring the conversation about money to a more positive level. Making it so that none of the participants feel uneasy about them is an important step towards ensuring that the discussion of such issues takes place in a constructive way. And psychologists know what to do.
The threat posed by the situation makes it difficult to cope with it. When we’re stressed, we make decisions based on habits, instincts, and emotions. Influenced by the fight-or-flight response, we either attack the partner who brought up an unpleasant topic, or move away from the conflict. Neither one nor the other contributes to a peaceful resolution of the situation.
The staff at the University of Kansas identifies five strategic steps to help you calmly discuss uncomfortable issues, including those related to money.
1. Practice active listening
Use “I-messages” in conversation: “I feel”, “I think”. This way you “turn off” the aggressive, attacking tone, and the partner does not have to defend himself from you. Do not avoid the hottest topics, but try to understand the interlocutor and not attack him.
2. Understand the role of stress in communication
Think about the last time you and your partner felt tension in a relationship. Recall a quarrel related to finances. Analyze how you behave in such situations. How does your partner deal with stress? What do you both do to get rid of painful experiences?
3. Understand your values
It is important for you as a couple to understand how you feel about money and why you chose this particular strategy. Do you prefer to save money, and your partner loves new clothes? Or are you both looking to save more money and get a mortgage?
Think about how money was handled in your family. Perhaps instability reigned there, and adults sought to save every penny. And your partner’s parents did not skimp and believed that you need to buy only the best. A careful study of your own past will help you understand how the strategies of your parents (or maybe even grandparents) affect you today.
4. Think about the future
Are you worried about what you will live on in 20, 30 years? Do you save money for retirement? Have you got a savings account for the kids? It’s not a particularly exciting activity to talk about the future, which is usually a little scary, but it’s worth discussing the action plan. And this conversation is much more important than trying to choose the right restaurant for tomorrow’s date.
5. Plan a budget
The budget is the foundation for any undertaking. Perhaps at work you had to take part in the approval of the budget. Even if not, chances are you deal with financial issues in your organization in one way or another. So why not extrapolate this experience to your own family?
You may be avoiding overly emotional discussions about your spending. But researchers at the University of Kansas believe that tracking income and expenses together in a spreadsheet or notebook can help both of you see how you spend money—that is, how you apply the strategies your parents developed in your own life. And to see and call a spade a spade means to get the opportunity to agree among themselves.
Ideally, conversations about money should not add tension to the relationship. If you and your partner try to implement the above actions at the same time, you will not only endure a difficult conversation with dignity, but also strengthen the relationship.
1 Financial Relations Therapy is a branch of science at the intersection of family therapy and economics. She studies how parental money patterns affect children, how income and expenses affect well-being and well-being, and so on.