Psychologist Arthur Aron, creator of the famous 36 Questions to Fall in Love, not only studies theories of intimacy in relationships, but also tests the discoveries in practice. Today we want to share the techniques, the effectiveness of which he proved in his own marriage.
Recently, Arthur Aron received an email: the editor of a leading scientific journal announced that he was ready to publish a paper that Aron had co-authored with his wife, Elaine. She had little faith in the success of the venture, so the news should have come as a surprise to her.
He could call and tell everything over the phone. But I remembered that I recently read in a study how important it is to celebrate the success of a partner, and decided to do things differently. He printed the letter in the form of a poster, hung it on the front door and waited for the arrival of his wife.
Aron’s research on strengthening intimacy has revolutionized the scientific field
Not every husband would do the same. But Aron, a relationship researcher and co-author of 36 Questions to Fall in Love, knows what he’s doing. At 73, he continues to look for new scientific discoveries that he could apply in life. Here is what the researcher says: “When I get the results of my own or other people’s research that can benefit the relationship, I immediately experience them in my life. I tell my wife: “Let’s try?” We try and almost always get great results.”
However, in the early years, there was little research that could suggest strategies for strengthening relationships. This is partly why he turned his scientific interest to the topic of love. This area seemed to him promising and at the same time little studied. Intimacy research has not only revolutionized science, it has changed his life.
How to get closer
Arthur Aron does not have a dating or matchmaking business, but he is responsible for starting at least one family.
36 Questions takes two people through a dialogue that becomes very deep and intimate. The conversation starts with questions like “Would you like to be famous?” or “Whose death would be the hardest for you to survive?”. During the experiment, after 45 minutes of such a conversation, previously unfamiliar students became closer than 30% of actually meeting student couples.
These questions can be used by lovers who want to strengthen intimacy in a relationship. In addition, they can be used not only with romantic partners, but also with friends or family.
In the original version of the experiment, Aron and his colleagues tested a set of more powerful questions that were supposed to create a romantic spark. This version worked so well that the two assistants who were hired for the experiment actually fell in love and got married.
The Aron family still use these questions to connect with each other or with other people. At a conference, Aaron heard about an experiment in which two couples on a double date used “36 questions.” As a result, participants in the experiment deepened intimacy both within and between couples. Aaron did not hesitate and immediately reproduced the experiment in life, when he and his wife went to dinner with another couple who did not know very well.
How to beat boredom
Deep conversations are not the only path to stronger relationships. Sometimes a shake is needed. One evening, Aaron and his wife were driving from the theater when a sign caught his attention. He turned to his wife and said, “We haven’t been to a bar in years! Let’s go?”
Aron knows how important it is to do something new and exciting together. His research proved that new shared activities increase relationship satisfaction. In the experiment, couples performed an intricate gymnastic exercise: they tried to cross a room with their ankles and wrists bound. The researchers found that after such an exercise, the partners experienced less boredom in the relationship and characterized the union as more passionate.
Fighting boredom is easy in other ways outside of the lab. This year, the Aron family went on a hike in Japan. They moved on foot between settlements, taking breaks for picnics. Such travel is one of the couple’s favorite pastimes, only places change: from Italy to New Zealand. They also tried to paint portraits of each other, attended races, rafted down the Colorado River in the Grand Canyon. Now they are thinking about enrolling in comedy classes.
Risk and no guarantees are the ingredients that make things exciting
Since both partners are scientists, they periodically have the opportunity to work together on a project. As Aaron comments: “You do the research, then you look at the data and you analyze. You never know in advance what will come of it. Sometimes the results are disappointing, but when everything works out, you experience an amazing feeling and celebrate success together.”
It seems that risk and lack of guarantees are the ingredients that make things exciting. For example, despite being seasick, Aaron agreed to take his wife on a whale watching boat trip. Previously, he drank the medicine prescribed by the doctor, but this did not save him from nausea. However, he does not regret the experience: “Elaine supported me all the time. So it was really cute.”
Not all couples have the means for expensive activities. But, as Aaron’s bar example shows, you don’t have to spend a lot of money. The main thing is to break the usual way and go on an adventure together.
Source: greatergood.berkeley.edu