How to strengthen relationships at different stages of marriage

“We forget to ask ourselves what our partner is thinking or feeling, implying that we already know it,” says Janne Dannerup, a counseling psychologist at the University of Johannesburg. “This leads to the fact that after some time the partner ceases to feel that we are interested in him.” But the truth is, no matter how long you’ve been together, there’s always something you can do to strengthen your bond. Here’s what you should pay attention to at one stage or another.

2 years: bold talk time

By this point, the initial thrill is long gone. The issue of commitment to our relations comes to the fore. “This is the perfect time to find out if the dreams and plans that you discussed at the beginning are still valid, and to talk about important topics that have not yet been raised,” says Jeanne Dannerup.

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Objective: reopen

When a relationship is in its infancy, we remove some of our defenses in order to get closer to a partner. But as the experience of communicating with a partner teaches us to be more restrained, these protections are gradually restored. Our initial attraction is based on what we have in common, whether it’s a sense of humor or a passion for cooking. Then we discover that the partner is in some way strikingly different from us, and this discovery may shock us.

Yet these differences are the fuel for sexual attraction. If you persistently avoid conflict, you stop feeling where you end and where your partner begins. And this can reduce attraction — in order to enjoy sex, you need to feel the “otherness” of your partner.

The whole secret is that there are no secrets between you. Jeanne Dannerup uses the term «wrenching emotional honesty» to describe how important it is to talk about your feelings and thoughts in order to avoid emotional disconnection. Encourage your partner to spend time with friends. “At the first stage of a relationship, a couple seeks to take refuge in their “nest”. But after the “2 years” mark, they should let each other go to the outside world, to friends. This is a valuable gift, indicating that you respect the interests of another. Buy tickets for a match or concert where he can go with his friends. Let him communicate with them without feeling guilty. And in this way you signal to him that you are not afraid of his social contacts, in which you yourself are not included.

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5 years: time to expand your communication repertoire

You have strengthened your commitments to each other, you have developed common interests, a common circle of friends has developed, and, most likely, you have established relationships with your new relatives.

Challenge: Use different love languages

In The Five Love Languages, family counselor Dr. Gary Chapman describes the different languages ​​we use to give and receive love.¹. Most of us habitually use one or two of these languages, instinctively neglecting the others. If you start using the whole palette, he will feel more treasured than ever before. Chapman believes that our preferred language may change over time. For example, you may notice that you care less about being touched and, on the contrary, more touched by being cared for.

If we do not alternate between these languages, then we risk not getting into resonance with our partner. Try changing your love language every day for a week and see which one resonates with your partner the most to see what they want from you.

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• Words. Verbalize your feelings in text messages, notes, compliments.
• touch. Hug him, take his hand, offer to give him a foot massage. Remember that touch does not necessarily have erotic overtones, it is still an expression of tenderness.
• Gifts. Buy tickets to a concert of his favorite band, prepare a dish he loved as a child… it’s all up to your imagination.
• Time. Dedicate the whole evening to him. Let him feel that your attention belongs to him. And don’t be distracted by cell phone calls or TV.
• Help. This is caring expressed in action. Think about how you could make his life easier or do something nice.

10 years: acceptance time

Until now, something new has always happened in your family life. You moved in together, went on a journey together, got married, became parents… all this happened for the first time. Now your life is already more stable, and, most likely, there are many fewer such turning points ahead of you. Because of this, feelings sometimes fade. But in fact, this period can further strengthen your relationship when you enjoy together what you have built together, the traditions that you have created together.

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Task: Maintain your traditions

It is the customs and rules, no matter how prosaic they may be, that distinguish you from other married couples. As unique as a fingerprint, they create a precious sense of continuity in your shared life.

Whether it’s an annual ritual (like decorating the tree together after putting the kids to bed) or a daily one (running together in the morning), it makes you feel safe, loved and desired, and also belongs to someone else. Discussing these traditions — how they came about and why you stick to them — is a good way to support each other, to show how much you care for each other.

Jeanne Dannerup also suggests marking any milestones along the way. Even, for example, such as a week spent without children. At this moment, you can think together about your plans, come up with some ideas for the future, not forgetting about your dreams. It is very important to reward yourself for the efforts you have made for your family in these 10 years.

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15 years: time to dream

By now, your career has probably already taken shape. Children are now less dependent on you, and you can devote more time to each other than before. It is very useful to remember what you were like before you decided to be together, to note the merits of each.

Challenge: Relive Your Hopes and Dreams

Our longing desires can tell a lot about us, who we have become and who we wanted to be. Most likely, life did not turn out quite the way we once imagined. But this does not mean at all that now it is necessary to cross out former dreams.

According to Dannerup, ideally in a marital relationship, everyone acts as a witness to their partner’s life journey. “You are the cover of the book, holding together the sheets that record the story of his life. The first chapters are dedicated to his family, some to friends, but you can share the whole story with him if you’re willing to listen. It is both your privilege and responsibility to help your partner experience their story as a whole. To do this, you need to help him be himself and not forget about his dreams.

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We all have dreams that we put on the back burner for one reason or another, maybe due to unfavorable circumstances, maybe due to lack of time. Helping a partner to revive his forgotten dreams, we simultaneously give a new breath to our relationship. What did he aspire to, what did he long for? What was it — work, hobby, lifestyle?

Perhaps his plans were grandiose — for example, to become a rock star. And of course, now he hardly has a chance to become fifth in the U2 group. Help him rethink, reformulate this dream. How to throw a bridge to it? Maybe he should take guitar lessons? Think, suggest, show him that a dream can be realized at different levels.

Or maybe your partner was not going to reach the stars with his hand and could not realize his dream simply because he was not ready / he did not have enough time / money. In this case, think about what you as a couple can do to make this dream come true.

¹ G. Chapman «Five Love Languages» (Bible for All, 2012).