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Corporal punishment is ineffective and harmful to children – most of us know this. But if the parents just raise their voice to the child, it’s not dangerous, is it? It turns out that it is dangerous, and very.
Screaming dramatically increases the production of stress hormones in a child’s body and can negatively affect the development of his brain, say doctors from the US Academy of Pediatrics.
Research has shown that yelling is ineffective. With its help, it is impossible to correct the behavior of the child, on the contrary, it is even possible to provoke the commission of undesirable acts. In addition, it is unpleasant for parents to yell at children.
What to do? How to learn to control yourself and not break out on a child, especially if the cry has already become a habit? And how to make your son or daughter really hear you?
“Usually, by raising our voice to a child, we seek to change his behavior. But it happens that we scream not because we are angry with his actions, but to protect and warn of danger, ”explains psychiatrist Joseph Schrend.
It is completely normal to yell at a child who, without looking, runs across the street, is about to grab a hot pot. After all, you are responsible for his safety and sometimes this requires immediate attention. But in other cases, you can find ways to do without angry shouts.
Tap your finger on your forehead
“Anger originates in the limbic system, an ancient part of the brain responsible for emotions. The “thinking”, rational part of the brain is the prefrontal cortex, it helps to make informed decisions and behave appropriately in society. It is just located at the level of the forehead, ”explains Joseph Schrend.
To pull yourself together, it’s important, as Schrend says, to “turn on the prefrontal cortex.” Therefore, he advises whenever you want to scream at children, tap your forehead with your finger. “Ask yourself: “What result do I want to get? What am I so angry about?” Schrend advises. With this question and symbolic gesture, you are reminding yourself that you are trying to respond to the child’s behavior not emotionally, but rationally and balanced.
Start acting weird
Psychologist Carla Naumburg suggests finding a replacement for screaming. Take a deep breath, be silent, jump in one place, lean with both hands on the table. Or fool around.
“When children make me angry, I cackle like a chicken, it helps to release the accumulated energy, and it is no longer possible to be angry,” says Naumburg.
And if you can’t help but scream, at least try not to say anything really hurtful. “You can shout, but avoid insults. “I’m just furious!” – such phrases will help to let off steam, while you will not offend anyone, ”advises child psychotherapist Jennifer Kolari.
Talk to your child in a “teacher tone”
Just because you don’t raise your voice to your kids doesn’t mean you allow them to do whatever they want. Express your indignation, but without shouting, in a calm, strict voice.
“Imagine that you are on an airplane in a turbulent zone. If the pilot enters the cabin and begins to calm the passengers, talking in a soft, gentle tone, most likely you will be very surprised and will not understand what to do. If he starts screaming, you will be scared. But if the crew commander asks you to fasten your seat belts in a calm and firm voice, you will surely follow his instructions immediately, ”explains Jennifer Kolari.
When you yell at a child, he sees only your anger and it is very difficult for him to understand what lesson you are trying to teach. “By yelling, you devalue your own efforts. Get used to speaking in a voice that experienced teachers speak to children. It is much more efficient,” says Kolari.
Do not be afraid to repeat several times
In a sense, parents are replacing the child’s prefrontal cortex, which is not yet developed. Therefore, it is often necessary to repeat parental instructions many times before the child finally learns them. This does not mean that you are a bad parent or naughty children. Quite the opposite. You help them learn the necessary lessons.
Most likely, you will sometimes still yell at the child. We all break down from time to time and start talking in raised tones. This is fine.
“If you could not resist and now you are ashamed, do not reproach yourself, just apologize. It is important to treat both the child and yourself with compassion,” Kolari reminds.