Contents
- 1. Determine Whose Opinion You Really Care About
- 2. Understand whose voice is in your head
- 3. Take your time to defend yourself
- 4. Pay attention to how criticism is presented
- 5. If someone criticizes you, this does not mean that he is right.
- 6. Take the hit with dignity
- 7. Think about what to do with criticism
- 8. Remember that people can change their minds.
How to be calm about other people’s words? Listen to good advice and ignore outright nonsense and trolling? Wise advice from Ellen Hendriksen, psychologist and author of the Savvy Psychologist blog.
Most of us care what others think of us. And that’s okay. If this were not the case, and if we all lived without regard for others, our society would very soon plunge into chaos. We learned to exist in a group a long time ago, because only together we could survive and feed ourselves. Therefore, the fear of becoming an outcast is still strong in us.
Today, we no longer have such an urgent need for a team to get food and protection, but we still seek support and acceptance from those around us. But ask any rock singer or self-help expert if you should care what others say. You are almost guaranteed to hear the same thing: send everyone to hell and listen to yourself. But that’s the whole problem. The tone of all this advice about how to “send everyone away” sounds too categorical. In addition, if a person constantly and persistently repeats them, the thought arises that he is just too worried about someone else’s opinion – otherwise why would he start shaking the air at all. I – and most likely most of you – prefer the golden mean. I’m not averse to listening to constructive criticism from those I care about. But I also prefer to ignore those who spread gossip about me, say nasty things behind my back, or engage in trolling. Here are some tips on how to turn off anxiety and say to yourself, “Let the haters hate.”
1. Determine Whose Opinion You Really Care About
Our brains love to make broad generalizations. If he makes you worry that people will judge you, everyone will turn their backs on you, and someone will be offended by you, ask yourself – who exactly? Make a list, right by name. Then this frightening “everything” will shrink into a small group – your family, partner, boss at work, perhaps a nosy neighbor. But not all”.
2. Understand whose voice is in your head
If you’re afraid of being judged when no one in particular is going to tell you anything, think: who taught you to be afraid? Maybe, as a child, someone harassed you with questions like “What will the neighbors think?” or saying something like “I wouldn’t do that. People will misunderstand it.” Most of us have breastfed the fear of not being liked by other people. But there is good news: even if these stereotypes are firmly entrenched in us, we are able to relearn. Over time, with constant practice, you will be able to replace “What will the neighbors think?” to “Most people are too self-conscious to judge me” or “If they don’t like me, that’s their problem.”
3. Take your time to defend yourself
If, in response to criticism, we immediately build a reinforced concrete wall in front of us, everything will bounce off it – not only reproaches, but also useful advice. Instead of plugging your ears and going on the defensive, try to listen to what is being said to you and then decide whether to take note of it or ignore it.
4. Pay attention to how criticism is presented
If a person has taken the time to give you constructive feedback—for example, carefully pointing out something that bothers them about your behavior (but not about your personality!)—they should definitely be listened to, even if you end up decide not to take his advice. But if your interlocutor gets personal, speaks vaguely, or makes ambiguous compliments like “Well, at least you’re not messing around,” you can in good conscience ignore it. After all, if they don’t take the trouble to express their criticism tactfully, it says more about them than it does about you.
5. If someone criticizes you, this does not mean that he is right.
Remember that the opinion of others is not the ultimate truth. You may not agree with your critics. But if you still feel that they are right, then…
6. Take the hit with dignity
If you feel burning resentment and are ready to burst into tears, there are two reasons not to start attacking back. Staying within the bounds of decency and even thanks for the criticism, you will kill two birds with one stone. Firstly, you show that you are able not to lose your temper even under a hail of reproaches, and this commands respect. Secondly, you will be proud that you are able to respond constructively, and not snap back.
7. Think about what to do with criticism
Our minds often get stuck in the worst possible scenario – “Now everyone will turn their backs on me.” “Everyone will despise me if I don’t perform well,” “everyone will stop talking to me if I don’t agree with them.” If you are constantly afraid of disaster, think about how you will behave if it really breaks out. What are you going to do? Who do you turn to for support? If you know that someone will support you even in the worst case scenario, you will be less afraid of him.
8. Remember that people can change their minds.
Public opinion is changeable. Today they throw stones at you, and tomorrow they will carry you in their arms. Think of the great scientists, inventors, or writers who were first ridiculed and persecuted, but then declared geniuses. If there is no light and there is something stable, then it is change. Therefore, as Sting’s song says, “be yourself – no matter what they say around.”