How to stop suffering, even if everything is bad

I have to work with clients on their difficult past experience, and every time I see how disbelief in their strength seizes them. They doubt their worth, their ability to get better, and even their deserving of something better.

On the way to healing, internal logic throws up heavy thoughts:

• «I’m a complete loser and there’s nothing you can do about it.»
• «My life is a mess, no matter how hard I try to fix it.»
• “Everything is hopeless. I guess I’m just not meant to be happy.»

These self-deprecating thoughts can cause great pain and entrap you into self-sabotage. After all, if improvements are hopeless, there is nothing to even try.

Perhaps not everyone has reached such a degree of hopelessness as some clients, but many have certainly experienced doubts and insecurities more than once. When we give in to uncertainty and let it guide our actions, we move away from what is serious and important.

That’s why I’m always working on neutralizing thoughts. To neutralize a destructive installation, it is necessary to deprive it of its usual function. For example, take the thought «I’m not good enough.» This is an extremely heavy, depressing thought, which often leads to even greater anguish and suffering. However, if you sing «I’m not good enough» to the tune of the song «Happy Birthday», it loses its original meaning. The words are still the same, but the effect — the function — changes.

There are a lot of neutralization techniques that give such a result. Many people with whom I have worked have managed to neutralize their thoughts, that is, to take away their power. And although deactivation techniques are effective in dealing with the inner critic, at some point the client returns to objectivity: “But it’s true!”

Many stubbornly cling to their insecurities because they are convinced that this is the truth:

• «I don’t have a penny.»
• «My husband doesn’t love me anymore.»
• «My life is a complete nightmare.»
• «I was deprived of parental rights.»
• «I was diagnosed with cancer.»

Of course, it is much easier to cast aside doubts if you are generally aware that the thought is not justified by anything. But when the deepest fears are justified, things are much more complicated. At such moments, it is tempting to enter into an argument, to start convincing the person that he/she “is not all lost” or “there is still a future”. However, this will only lead to unnecessary excuses and further aggravate the situation.

But I changed tactics. Acceptance and responsibility therapy does not try to figure out how true a thought is. Moreover, it does not really matter whether it is positive or negative. All this doesn’t matter. The main thing is what and how thought serves. After all, thoughts are tools. They push to follow goals and values, or, conversely, drag them into self-destructive behavior.

The value of a thought is measured not by its validity, but by how it works and what it does to us. The negative statement «I’m a bad friend» can make people more considerate. The negative and certainly true statement “I will die” can help to reflect on how we live. An unpleasant truth like “My personal life is a complete mess” can be a reason to register on a dating site. And in the same way, a completely positive statement “I am always and in everything the coolest of all” can ruin relationships with others and make us a narcissistic narcissist.

The content of the thought is not so important. True or not, too. What matters is where it leads. Only its action matters. The next time your mind starts babbling about mistakes and shortcomings, and your inner critic turns up the volume so that you hear better and believe because it’s true, ask yourself: “Does this thought somehow help me live and move forward?” If yes, great! And if not, it’s time to remember the peppy motive of the song «Happy Birthday».