How to stop settling scores with parents?

We all need warmth and understanding, especially in relationships with parents. If we do not receive this, we experience bitter disappointment, and sometimes there is a desire to express all the accumulated grievances in person. This is a kind of revenge for the lack of the very warmth and understanding that we did not receive in childhood, or received insufficiently.

Childish feelings return

Most of the time, we drown out the voice of the suffering child we once were inside of us. We have grown up, and even become parents ourselves. And suddenly, as if we are falling into childhood, we are overwhelmed by emotions that we can hardly cope with. This means that childhood grievances still affect us.

“Growing up, we separate from our parents both mentally and physically,” says family therapist Inna Khamitova. “Teens are starting to spend more time outside the home, and the houses are closed in the room, sitting at the computer for hours. If there are unresolved grievances, unresolved conflicts, we switch attention, load ourselves with other things and new interests, whether it is getting a profession or starting a family. But spiritual wounds do not heal on their own. Later, they are fueled by unfulfilled dreams and dissatisfaction with life.”

As a result, at some point we break down and say hurtful words to our parents. We have not yet freed ourselves from feelings that overwhelmed us and are not in control of ourselves, so parents find themselves in a stronger psychological position: it is easier for them to press on pain points and show us our place. And then we again feel like that lonely child.

Suffering hard to tell

Anger, anger, and sometimes hatred – these feelings first arise during children’s conflicts with their elders. An unfair slap in the face, humiliating nicknames, family favorites who were always set as an example to us, irritation with which they spoke to each other in the family … Even in adulthood, memories of this can continue to feed our resentment.

We do not forgive our parents because they were not at their best, that they hurt us, that they were not with us in difficult times. We continue to internally quarrel with them.

“If we feel the need to settle scores with our parents, it means that we have a keen sense of being indebted to us,” explains family therapist Serge Efez. “And this feeling is growing stronger in the modern family. For many decades, the family has been a vehicle for transmitting values ​​and norms necessary for a successful life in society. And love is just an additional “bonus”. Today it is generally recognized that the role of the family is to be loved and taught to love.

And this is one of the reasons why we are overwhelmed by the feeling that we were “not given enough” of love, especially if it is fed by the bitterness of our childhood grievances. We express resentment and meet with misunderstanding: “You are inventing everything”, “Ask your sister and you will see that all this is not true!”.

Trying to find a cure, we only increase the pain, getting one more confirmation: we are not heard, we are not loved!

“It may not be so,” Inna Khamitova objects. – Our very desire to speak out indicates that there is a deep connection between us and our parents. But under the rush of feelings, we do not notice how our tone becomes accusatory. Parents often respond not so much to the meaning of what we said, but to our intonations. Unconsciously, they are protecting themselves from us, because what we say devalues ​​their life.

Sometimes parents deny everything: they cannot bear to hear from their grown-up child that they did not love him in childhood, while they themselves are convinced that they did everything as best as possible. Others may insist that they had the right to do what they did, and the child has no right to judge them and “feels wrong.”

“Secession is a two-way process,” emphasizes Inna Khamitova. When children grow up, parents also have to get used to the new situation. They may not be ready for parting because they are afraid of the emptiness that forms in life.

To listen calmly and with understanding to their adult children, parents need to go through a difficult path. It is necessary to part with the child for whom they were teachers and mentors, and meet again with an adult whose values, habits and life may differ markedly from what they wanted for him.

Not everyone has time to do this inner work. So they continue to “meddle in their own business”, “get on phone calls”, “criticize” or “dictate their own rules”. But if adult children, in response, behave like babies, scream and cry, then by doing so they maintain the relationship of inequality and their “childish” role.

Determine what we really need

35-year-old Marina cannot forget a long-standing conversation with her mother. “I told her: I know that you did not want to give birth to me. She saw how confused and furious I was. But she answered in a cold tone that now she loves me, but then, if she could, she would definitely have an abortion.

And I thought so, but to find out for sure, from her, was a hundred times worse! My heart was breaking! I’d give anything to not have that horrible conversation.”

If feelings are running high, Marina Baskakova advises to get out of the situation – literally: to leave for a while in another room or on the street.

“The expression of strong feelings, an attempt to make parents feel guilty is a childish way of behavior,” continues Marina Baskakova. “So we return ourselves to that state from which the child-parent conflict is unresolved. You need to return yourself as an adult in order to control your behavior and influence the situation.

All our experts agree that before we sort things out at the family table, it makes sense to ask ourselves what we really want: to settle the score, risking completely ruining the relationship, or to make an attempt to get closer to our parents.

We often lose sight of the fact that our memories reflect our perceptions, not objective reality. Parents may not even remember those situations that we remember and hurt so far.

A three-year-old child, having lost his mother for several minutes in a supermarket and then found her at a nearby shelf, experienced these minutes as the longest in his life. As an adult, he may well begin to think that his mother “never” paid attention to him. And a busy shopping mother might not have noticed that the unfortunate child was looking for her.

“If our goal is to talk about ourselves and find mutual understanding, it makes sense to postpone the conversation and first sort out our feelings, then we can talk calmly,” continues Inna Khamitova. – You can start a conversation like this: “I’m sure you did the best that you were capable of, but this is how I perceived it then, as a child. I am telling you this not to offend you, but because I really need you now and our relationship is important to me.

If we can calmly talk about our pain to our parents, it will be easier for them to listen to us. “It is important to emphasize,” says the family therapist, “that our story is a description of how we perceive the situation, and not an assessment. Don’t blame, but talk about your feelings. Though understanding is by no means guaranteed. It can be hoped for, but not demanded.

Overcome rancor

Anna succeeded, who is now 34 years old. Her mother interfered in her family affairs, she knew how to raise her grandchildren and what to cook for dinner. Anna was simply suffocating from motherly love, unable to escape from this addiction.

“One evening I wrote my mother a detailed letter. I told how important it is to me that she loves me, but her love suppressed me (especially in my youth), deprived me of my own will, and prevented me from growing up. I explained to her that she continued to treat me as if I were still a little girl. I didn’t send the letter right away. I re-read, changed phrases, trying to imagine how my mother would perceive them.

Then I sent it – with fear, but also with pride that I was acting “in an adult way.” Mom wrote back to me. She begged my forgiveness! She told me how she herself had missed her mother’s love in her childhood and that she tried to protect me, to save me from the painful feeling of loneliness. We’ve never talked about this before! Mom tries to behave differently. And I think we’re both happier.”

Parental mistakes are inevitable. But more often their cause is not ill will, but the living conditions of our parents and the upbringing that they received in their own childhood.

“Ideal parents are a pipe dream,” recalls Inna Khamitova. “Understanding this is the criterion of our adulthood.”

If we do not demand that our loved ones conform to the ideal image, if we know how to understand and forgive them, this means that we have become adults.

What if the parents are no more?

The process of understanding and reconciliation can be very long, even a lifetime. As you move through new stages of life, you will be able to see the motives, reasons previously hidden from you, or discover the possible feelings of your parents.

Then the view of the past can gradually change and soften. And if you want to start this reconciliation process faster, you can write them a letter.

Gestalt therapist Marina Baskakova talks about the opportunity to reconcile with parents in this case, to see not only the negative aspects of their relationship, but also the good that was in these relationships, and find something for which you can thank our parents – for example, at least for what we are.

1. Try to write some phrases in which you can say that you would like to reconcile. And write what you could not or did not have time to say during your lifetime. Take your time to move on to the next step, give yourself time for your own feelings and need to say more to emerge.

2. Write how you experienced their death: simply describe what happened to you, what you felt and what you thought.

3. Thank your parents for something specific. These may be some rare, but bright episodes from childhood. Address the deceased parent directly, as in a conversation: “Mom (or dad), I …”

Tell me about all the good things that were experienced together, about all the positive emotions associated with this: “When I was little, I admired your confidence. As a teenager, my admiration passed, but I still loved you … “.

Let feelings and thoughts come gradually, allow yourself to search for words that better express what you are experiencing.

4. Having experienced warm feelings, you can turn to your negative experiences – to those unfinished situations, unexpressed feelings of disappointment, anger, resentment, grief and sadness that arose in relationships with your parents.

You can write about how the words you were told offended and hurt you. The concepts that were instilled in you were false and now, having experienced a lot, you know it.

Now that you yourself are in the prime of your life and your parent is gone, you feel empowered to say, “You were wrong. I really needed your love and tenderness, and not those caustic, offensive and depreciating words that you spoke to me as a child. You mistreated me as a child, oppressed and offended me, but now I have the strength to see you as you were and forgive you.

You can, without reproaching or blaming, write what you now know about life. For example, that the statements “all men are bad” or “nothing good should be expected from life” are false, and you had to go through a lot to understand this.

5. Finish the letter with the words that now you live the way you think is right, you have something to rely on. Say that you are ready to forgive your parents and no longer hold feelings of indignation and hatred in your heart. And that now you want to thank your parents for what is worthy of gratitude and forgive them for what has weighed on you for many years.

6. It is often recommended to complete this process by taking this letter to the grave and putting it together with two objects, one of which can symbolize all the good that you received, the other – the bad. This process can help you let go of “bad” feelings and release your energy for new relationships and life.”