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It is worth making a mistake, and a strict inner voice immediately begins to scold us. Sometimes it drags on for a long time, and we begin to engage in real self-flagellation. But it does not bring any benefit – rather the opposite, as psychologists say. How to stop this torment and learn to support yourself?
Setting goals, moving towards them, achieving them is great. But what’s healthy about striving for perfection in everything and constantly beating yourself up for mistakes or “not good enough” results?
Adequate self-criticism helps us to develop. Self-analysis makes it possible to improve, improve connections with others, become more conscious and humane. But when there is too much of it, it becomes toxic and no longer helps to achieve goals or become a better version of yourself, but humiliates and undermines peace of mind.
What does bullying lead to?
Do you like it when others criticize you? Does it increase self-confidence? Would you tolerate if someone bullied your child or friend? So why are you allowing the voice in your head to do the same to you—to attack your weakest points and hurt you?
It is normal to doubt your abilities from time to time and want to improve something, but it is abnormal and unproductive to constantly think of yourself as a useless or bad person. Chronic neglect and even self-loathing can wreak havoc on the psyche, health, and relationships with loved ones. Psychological studies have shown that there is a negative relationship between self-criticism and progress in achieving the goal: a stricter attitude towards oneself negatively affects the results, while controlled self-criticism, on the contrary, helps.
Who teaches us this?
Such self-flagellation arises from a lack of compassion and kindness towards oneself. Often this is generated by painful childhood experiences. Harsh criticism from parents, teachers, or peers can easily undermine a child’s confidence and self-esteem, making them feel inadequate or insecure.
Growing up, he tries to avoid criticism by setting too high criteria and standards for himself. He begins to think that he must strive for excellence and be better than others in order to earn love and approval.
5 practices to become the best version of yourself by giving up self-flagellation
1. Celebrate your own accomplishments
It takes a conscious effort to stop repressing yourself. To do this, you need to observe and begin to notice those harsh comments that we torture ourselves with.
We must admit that we are doing well, comprehend our achievements, no matter how many there are. At the end of each day, make a list of five things that make you feel happier or feel proud of yourself. After writing down, read all the points before going to bed – and preferably aloud. This will not completely solve the problem of negative thinking, but will fall on the “positive” bowl of internal scales.
2. Practice kindness to yourself
Kindness to yourself is just as important as kindness to others. You should not say to yourself what you would not say to your loved ones, for fear of hurting or offending them.
3. Stop comparing yourself to others
In this or that activity there will always be someone better than us and someone less experienced. Comparing yourself to those who are more successful is a guaranteed loss game. Throughout life, we have so many roles that it is basically impossible to be better in each of them than the other seven billion people around the world. Yes, we are not perfect, but we just need to accept this fact and focus on getting better.
4. Look at mistakes as learning opportunities
Self-improvement is a lifelong process. Going on a long journey along a new road, we inevitably turn the wrong way from time to time and return to our route again. This applies to all life. Each of us has many good qualities and areas for development. Mistakes are opportunities, they open up new and new ways for us to improve.
5. Be patient with yourself
Engaging in self-flagellation, criticizing ourselves for all the mistakes, is a habit that has been formed over the years and sometimes takes root quite firmly in us. It takes effort to change your attitude. Changing your mindset and encouraging positive self-talk is not an easy job. And you need to do it daily, doing something good for yourself, until it becomes as habitual as self-criticism used to be.
The main thing on this path is not to torture yourself if old negative habits take over for a while, not to judge for mistakes and give yourself time to change for the better.
About the Author: Beverly Flexington is a stress management and social relations consultant.