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Do you ever feel like you can’t handle… this life? That there are too many cases and tasks and it’s just not clear what to grab onto? Perhaps you take on an unbearable burden, trying to please others: your boss, partner, children, parents, friends … How to stop, especially if “that’s your nature”?
According to clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo, personal boundaries are “a ladder to psychological heaven.” Therefore, people who do not know how to refuse others often come to her reception. People whose boundaries—that is, the imaginary line between us and others, that which separates us physically and emotionally from those around us—are violated.
You may have noticed that the topic of borders has become extremely popular lately. And for good reason: psychologists remind us that boundaries help us “reclaim ourselves,” focus on our own desires and needs, and avoid unnecessary stress.
Psychologists also know how difficult it is to set and even more so to maintain these boundaries – especially for those of us who crave to make other people happy, and if we fail, we feel great guilt.
Why defend the borders?
To master this art, you need to understand why personal boundaries are needed at all.
So everyone will be calmer
When others know exactly what you are ready to give them and what is not, this brings clarity to the relationship. And where there is clarity, there is a sense of security. At first, of course, they may resist and try to push your boundaries, especially if you previously agreed to everything, but over time they will get used to it.
Your environment will become more responsible
Helping others always and in everything, we seem to make their lives better. We think so, but is it true? Alas, no: help can also be toxic, especially when it is the underside of control. Let others grow up and become more competent at something.
People will understand how it is impossible to communicate with you
When we are available to others 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and constantly thinking about making everyone feel good, it is rarely appreciated. A simple example: a partner lashed out at you because of the stress at work, and you also apologized for falling under his arm.
This can become fixed in his mind: having set all the dogs on you, you can hear apologies. There will be clear boundaries – the partner will apologize for their behavior, not you.
But how to defend them?
1. Look at yourself in the mirror
Once you have finished reading this article, stand in front of a mirror and stare at yourself for as long as possible. Ask yourself: do I look exhausted, exhausted? Has anyone told me lately that I seem tired? If the answer is “yes”, then you really took on a lot, and you need to change something – right now.
2. Draw the first border around you
Set aside time in your schedule for yourself, even if it means taking things off your to-do list. And most likely it will. At this time, do what you like – read, go for a massage or go for a run, drink coffee.
The key to planning your “date with yourself” is not to cancel it because of any other “serious” things. After all, until you learn to keep boundaries with yourself, anyone can break them.
3. Remind yourself that others can do it without you.
We often overestimate our importance to other people, so it’s good to remember that they can do without us. If you disappear tomorrow, they themselves will begin to do what was previously expected of you. Maybe not as good, but it’s not that important. So let them do it today – before you completely “thin” from stress.
4. Learn to say “no”
Not “maybe”, not “maybe”, not “I’m not sure yet, but…”, because in this case, others will continue to expect something from you. It’s more honest to say, “I’m sorry, I can’t.” At first they will certainly be unhappy, but sooner or later they will learn to cope on their own or call for help from someone else.
5. Tell people exactly what you want from them.
If your mom Skypes you every time at XNUMX:XNUMX p.m. and you feel uncomfortable, tell her, “I’ll call you on Mondays and Thursdays at XNUMX:XNUMX p.m., and text you the rest of the day when I have time.” Believe me, she will gradually get used to and appreciate the state of certainty that you gave her. And you can finally breathe.
6. Let others live
Often behind the desire to please another is anxiety. It pushes us to the desire to control everything – both people and circumstances. But it is simply impossible to control everything and always. The best thing to do is take a step back. Be ready to support others, but don’t turn yourself inside out for them. Give them the freedom to live the way they want. And the time that was spent on them, begin to devote to yourself.