The father plays an important role in a girl’s life. Relations with him largely determine future relationships with men. Surprising as it may seem, it can be difficult for those who hardly knew their father, and for those who considered themselves “daddy’s daughter.” Psychologist Sofia Enikeeva tells how an adult woman can change a negative scenario and find an equal partner, not a parent.
– It’s always like this for me: as I fall in love with a man, it turns out that he is already married, in a civil marriage or in love with someone. And after all, before that he himself went, invited … Then I think: “Well, okay,” then he begins to declare his love to me, and I don’t need anything anymore. Too late, it should have been earlier, when I loved him too.
– Tell me, what does it mean? Do you feel like you’ve fallen in love and ask if he’s free?
– No not like this. I understand that a person is no longer indifferent to me, I start to get nervous, because I always have the same thing. Like I’m cursed. And now I feel that if he loved me, then he would give me all his free time, write all the time, take care of me. He asked if I needed support in some way, he was interested in how my mood was. If he does not do this, then he has another, with whom this is exactly the case.
The client, a beautiful, smart, charming girl, suddenly turns into a little girl huddled into a ball, whom you want to hug and calm down.
You can’t change the past, but you can change something in your inner reality
– Tell me, do you continue to communicate with your father?
– Oh sure. I’m basically a daddy’s girl.
Have you always had a good relationship?
– As a child, yes, I grew up in a complete family. Dad played with me, studied.
– Great! So you had a friendly family?
– No, my relationship with my mother was always terrible. She said nasty things to me, called me names, considered me ugly and took everything from me. I remember that dad brought all sorts of beautiful things from business trips, and she always got all the best. Everything I wanted too.
– You must have been offended, because your father loved you so much, and for some reason all the best went to your mother.
– Yes … You know, I recently had a dream. We are sitting together with dad, we are so good together, and he says: “It’s great that we are together, now we’ll watch TV and eat your favorite ice cream, which mom forbids.” In a dream, I know that she and her mother quarreled, I think that we will now be with him only the two of us. Suddenly she comes in all dressed up, pleased, and he leaves with her, and I am left to sit alone with this ice cream. I cry and wake up.
It looks like the client is repeating the scenario with the father and another woman, that is, the mother. Classic Electra complex. As he falls in love, the partner automatically takes the place of his father, the old record is launched. But if I tell her right now, she won’t believe me. Even if she believes, it still won’t help her. Let’s try differently.
– You know, there is an opinion that relationships with partners are often similar to children’s relationships with parents. It happens that from the outside it seems that the child had everything: love, travel, things, entertainment, and he recalls only insults from childhood. And it happens exactly the opposite. The main thing is that the past cannot be changed, but something in the inner reality can be changed, then everything around will also begin to change. Go home and write a letter to your father and then email it to me. We will discuss at the meeting.
A few days later I read a letter from a client.
Letter to father
“Hi, dad. I love you. For me, there was never even a question about who I love more: mom or dad. Of course you. You came up with my name, made me and my friends laugh, composed poems for birthdays and brought beautiful gifts from abroad. Until now, in every partner I look for and do not find you. That beautiful, cheerful, kind and strong man that I had as a child. Thanks to psychoanalysis, now I know that I will never find it.
Why am I still crying when I think of you? After all, you are healthy, we live close to each other and even communicate sometimes. Why, when we see each other, I have nothing to say to you? Why did we spend all our childhood together, but you were almost not around? Why don’t I have time for you now when I really do? Why do I write these and another hundred thousand questions in a letter to my therapist, and not ask them to you?
You know, it’s nothing. Since I am writing to you, it means that you and I can talk. Not like in childhood, because now you need me more than I need you (or is this an illusion?). Maybe someday I will tell you: “Dad, I love you and always have. I know that you, too, have always loved and love me very much. I am your daddy’s daughter, who, just like you, could not tell about her feelings for a long time. You will answer me: “Daughter, I love you too.”
What changes when a woman stops looking for a father
Has anything changed in the client script? Yes, although not right away. We still have a lot of work to do, but this aspect of relationships with men has changed a lot. For instance:
- Improved relationship with his father. After a long break, she was able to start communicating with him again. Without claims, pain and expectations. This was an important step, because she felt that she always had and has a loving parent, there is no need to compete for his love.
- There can be many loves. Have you ever come across people who can’t stand it when someone is complimented, sympathetic, or otherwise shown attention in front of them? I’m sure yes. It seems to these matured (but never grown up) children that there is such a small bag that contains only a couple of compliments, a little affection and sympathy, and, of course, there is not enough for everyone. Such psychology is “do not click your beak in a large family.” The client got rid of this idea when she realized that the father loved the mother as a woman and wife, and her as a daughter. And the things that he brought from a business trip as a gift to his wife would still not fit the little girl. For her, there was always a lot of other things in the bag with gifts, but memory replaced this part of reality.
- Relationship with a man, not with a father. The client stopped expecting men to take care of her like a little girl. She stopped thinking that love is just a concern. It turned out that love also has many different forms, like the names of snow among the Eskimos. Moreover, she began to like free men, the phantom of her rival mother gradually disappeared from her head, and then from her life.
It is important that nothing has changed in the client’s past, and changes in the internal reality have significantly affected her script. Even if you did not know or occasionally saw your father, psychotherapeutic work with his figure can change a lot in life. On your own, you can start with a letter. One, two, three, when you wipe your tears, the sun will begin to appear from behind the clouds in your life.
About the Developer
Sofia Enikeeva – psychologist, member of the Association for Psychoanalytic Coaching, member of a charity project for psychological assistance to chemically addicted people. Her .