How to stop interfering with your life

First coaching session: unconscious self-sabotage

“I am my own worst enemy. I know what I want — a loving partner, marriage, family and children — but nothing happens. I’m 33 and I’m starting to fear that my dreams won’t come true. I need to understand myself, otherwise I will never be able to live the life I want. Every time I meet someone, I deprive myself of my chances of success, destroying relationships that seem to be the most promising. Why am I doing this? Jess is perplexed.

I asked her what exactly is her own worst enemy, and in response she gave many examples. This lively, cheerful young woman was aware of what was happening to her, and laughingly told me about one of her latest failures.

“Recently, I went on a blind date and in the middle of the evening I ran to the toilet to share my impressions with a friend. I sent her a text message saying that I really liked this man, despite his huge nose. Returning to the bar, I found that he was gone. Then she checked her phone and realized that by mistake she had sent a message not to a friend, but to him. Friends are waiting for stories about another such disaster, but I myself am no longer funny.

I explained to Jess that many of us self-sabotage. Some sabotage their love or friendships, others sabotage their careers, and others suffer from procrastination. Exorbitant spending, alcohol abuse or overeating are other common types.

Of course, no one wants to deliberately spoil their lives. Self-sabotage is an unconscious attempt to protect oneself from real or perceived danger, harm, or unpleasant emotions.

Second Coaching Session: Face the Truth

I guessed that, deep down, Jess did not believe that she deserved a loving partner, and was afraid that she would be hurt if the relationship fell apart. To change the situation, you need to deal with the beliefs that lead to self-sabotage. I asked Jess to make a list of words or phrases that she associated with love relationships.

The result amazed her: the phrases she wrote included «being trapped,» «control,» «pain,» «betrayal,» and even «losing yourself.» We spent the session trying to figure out where she got these beliefs from.

At the age of 16, Jess began a serious relationship, but gradually her partner began to control her. Jess refused to study at the university because he wanted them to stay in their hometown. Subsequently, she regretted that she did not go to study and this decision did not allow her to build a successful career.

Jess eventually ended the relationship, but has since been haunted by the fear that someone else will control her life.

Third coaching session: open your eyes

I continued to work with Jess for several more months. Changing beliefs takes time.

First of all, Jess needed to find examples of happy relationships for herself so that she could believe that her goal was achievable. Until now, my client has mostly looked for examples of failed relationships that confirmed her negative beliefs, and seemed to be oblivious to the happy couples, which, as it turned out, there were many around her.

Jess hopes to find love, and I’m sure our work with her has improved her chances of reaching her goal. Now she believes that happiness in love is possible and she deserves it. Not bad for a start, right?

About the author: Kim Morgan is a British psychotherapist and coach.