How to stop helping everyone to your own detriment

Parents strive to raise their son or daughter as a worthy person, to teach compassion and responsiveness. This desire is understandable, but it can create a lot of problems in the future. If the father and mother constantly inspire that good girls do not do this, but “a well-bred boy should …”, the child may develop complexes and a distorted understanding of the word “no”. As an adult, he simply cannot refuse, considering refusal a manifestation of bad manners and selfishness.

If he is praised only when he unquestioningly fulfills the requests of his parents, and punished if he tries to do something in defiance, this triggers the mechanism of seeking approval through the desire to please everyone.

In addition, children read the behavior of their parents in relation to others, and how they show themselves — selfish or always ready to come to the rescue and give away the last shirt — largely depends on the behavior of the child in adulthood.

7 Signs You’re Helping Yourself

1. You perceive the problems of others as your own and are ready to sacrifice your interests, strengths and desires in order to provide them with moral support.

2. You are like a magnet attracting people with problems, they pour out negative feelings and emotions on you.

3. You strive to make everyone happy and feel responsible for the well-being of loved ones, rushing to the rescue, even if no one asked for help.

4. You do what is expected of you. So you are trying to gain the approval and support of significant people, but often you are simply used for selfish purposes.

5. You do not give vent to feelings, do not express negative or positive emotions, listening to the state of others. By doing this, you risk bringing yourself to a nervous breakdown or depression.

6. You live for others, forgetting to take time for yourself, your needs and desires, and without this it is impossible to maintain your psychological state in good shape.

7. You feel a decline in strength and do not know how to replenish it: others constantly draw it from your internal source of energy, and there is practically nothing left for you.

Why is this happening

It is important to understand what makes you do this. The desire to help to the detriment of oneself may be due to:

• fear of offending another;

• low self-esteem, in which other people’s interests are put above their own;

• fear of losing a significant person;

• the desire to look good;

• fear of losing the support of loved ones in the future;

• a feeling of vulnerability;

• high threshold of emotionality and empathy;

• the need to feel their own importance.

By figuring out which trigger works for you, you can make more conscious decisions to help the person or say no.

How to help without hurting yourself

Don’t do disservice

Help only those who really need your help, do not indulge the whims and whims of those who are inclined to abuse your kindness. This way you will teach others to respect your time and attention and create an image of a person whose advice is worth listening to.

Don’t give in to guilt

Believing that helping others will make you happy is illusory. Taking on an unbearable burden, you spend a lot of energy, including mental ones, and bring the moment of emotional and moral exhaustion closer. First, soberly assess whether you have the opportunity to help.

Prioritize

Selfless help is important, it allows you to grow in your own eyes and realize your value to others. It requires inner strength, so figure out what is more important to you now. Sometimes it pays to say no and focus on yourself.

Helping others is valuable only when it is done consciously, and not under the influence of emotions. It is unrealistic to give support to everyone without exception, and it is very easy to harm yourself with the desire to save everyone. Help consciously and control the irresistible desire to benefit.