How to stop falling in love with the wrong men?

“Our relationship lasted two months, and I was sure that I had met my soul mate,” says Marina. – And then he began to move away and admitted that he was not ready for a serious relationship. We agreed that we would remain friends. I am tormented by this “friendship”, there is no strength to break our connection.

“It’s not for nothing that the girl refers to the “soul mate” as an image of her own soul, which Jung called the Animus, comments cognitive therapist Marina Myaus. – If we meet a person who merges with the image drawn by our subconscious, we are irresistibly attracted to him. But in order for a full-fledged connection to develop, it is necessary to separate the imaginary image and accept a real person. Agreeing to love someone who does not value us, we remain in the stream of our own fantasies.

Over time, the importance of not a specific person grows, but only the scale of his imaginary figure. We think that we are interacting with the one we love, but in fact we are engaged in a dialogue with ourselves – that part of our Self, which in ordinary life we ​​do not find the strength to meet.

“This may be the result of early experiences with relationships with parents, or with long-standing traumas that are being held captive,” Marina Myaus explains. Unhappy love is just a mirror through which we look at ourselves. But this mirror is crooked, distorting. And the dialogue with ourselves will be destructive if we do not find the strength to remove the imaginary figure of the one we are in love with. Instead of trying again and again to repeat the previous traumatic love experience, we need to face our experiences one on one.

How to stop falling in love unrequitedly

If an unrequited feeling lasts for a long time, it is difficult to admit to ourselves that we are wasting time of our lives senselessly. Psychic defense mechanisms are turned on, which convince us: something is preventing the beloved from taking a step forward. Often this turns us into uninvited “rescuers”: we strive to help overcome circumstances that prevent a potential partner from being with us. Gradually, we lose a critical attitude towards ourselves and others, perceiving only those words and actions that feed our illusions.

How to get out of the world of fantasy and accept reality?

• Terminate contact. If the partner does not take steps towards, imaginary love draws energy only from our own thoughts and fantasies. Cut off all contact, both real and virtual. Unfriend the person on social media so there is no temptation to follow their life.
• Focus on yourself. It is important to redirect the flow of energy that we spent on fruitless fantasies about an inaccessible man to ourselves. Engage in work, school, or creativity – something that contributes to the growth of your personality and gaining more self-esteem. As soon as we stop feeding the imaginary figure and begin to “grow” our own instead, the significance of the imaginary connection gradually decreases.

How to stop falling in love with everyone

The feeling of love can turn into a drug. We seek to experience it again, often in the process drawing closer to those who manipulate our need.

How to get out of the world of fantasy and accept reality?

• Think about self-respect. Trying at all costs to be with a person who is indifferent, we lose self-respect. It’s hard to admit this, so the psyche throws up a lot of justifications for such a connection. Self-respect will allow you to rely primarily on yourself, and not look for support in another person.
• Restore resources. When we exhaust ourselves emotionally, we lose interest in other aspects of life. A partner who loves and accepts gives strength and fearlessness to move forward. The one who devalues ​​our feelings takes away our strength.
• Get rid of the role of the victim. We find ourselves in psychological submission to a person who does not value us. Think about how you can benefit from a passive role? Perhaps this is how you try to relieve yourself of responsibility for your own life?

How not to fall in love with the not free

Sigmund Freud considered the attraction to the parent of the opposite sex to be the prototype of all loves. In a complete family, this figure is always not free.

“Children’s experience of rivalry with a same-sex parent can add passion to an adult love triangle,” explains Jungian analyst Lev Khegai. – Defeating an opponent is no less important than achieving the object of love. From this point of view, choosing unfree partners provokes stronger feelings.”

How to get out of the world of fantasy and accept reality?

“You need to honestly answer yourself the question: are you ready for true rapprochement? Marina Myaus suggests. – What makes you hold on to a relationship in which the full presence of a loved one is impossible? Perhaps in the parental family you saw not only love and care, but also a lot of mutual claims and irritation. In this case, the connection with a non-free partner allows you to leave the door open.

How to stop falling in love with strangers

Falling in love with a famous singer, actor, or athlete is a common occurrence among teenagers. This is a children’s living life events in the format of the game. But if a person carries away attachment to the inaccessible and famous into adulthood, this turns into a problem.

“Falling in love with an idol in adulthood is an indicator that in childhood we did not receive enough maternal love, and an inaccessible, but beloved image of a mother is replaced by the image of a star,” says Lev Khegay.

How to get out of the world of fantasy and accept reality?

• Parents of teenagers need to be patient. The worst thing you can do is to blame or ridicule his feelings. “Such infatuation may be due to the natural process of separation, during which the teenager tries to disconnect from the influence of the mother. At the same time, the image of a star turns out to be an unconscious counterbalance to dependence on a parent,” explains Lev Khegay. – If the attachment to the idol is not critical and does not threaten the safety of the teenager, let him just go through this period. Be patient and open to conversation. Make it clear that you love the child, regardless of his hobbies.
• In adults falling in love with a star is often also a consequence of failures in his personal life, which is why there is a regression to the teenage stage. Think about past relationships. Perhaps you still have pain and disappointment. Love for an inaccessible person is a zone of notorious security. But at the same time, you are cheating yourself by not allowing full-fledged feelings into your life and limiting the opportunities for inner growth that only close relationships in the real world give us.