Many of us have people around us who insist on getting their way and forcing us to do what we do not want, taking advantage of our weaknesses. We feel cornered and unable to resist. The situation may seem hopeless, but it is not. Psychotherapist Susan St. Welch talks about how to stand up for yourself.
It seems that such people cannot be negotiated. When they ask for something or order something, they have a convincing answer to any objection and they will not stop until they get their way. You feel like a toy in their hands, but there is nothing you can do about it. They use fear, guilt, duty, and even love.
This does not mean that they are bad people. They just don’t know how to get what they want, except for the only way — to drive others into a corner. Such a pressure person can be a partner, mother or father, boss, colleague, or just an acquaintance. We are uncomfortable fighting back because we are afraid of appearing aggressive or heartless. In fact, being decisive doesn’t make you bad or mean you’re wrong.
You are embarrassed just because you are not arrogant
You need to show assertiveness, that is, act confidently, but without aggression. You can and should fight back against those who push. Here is a 4 step diagram to help you with this.
- Be clear about what you don’t like about his request.
- Explain which solution is right for you and possibly him.
- Suggest solutions. Don’t let yourself choose an option that’s not good for you. Only A or B.
- If he is not ready to negotiate, you will have to be tougher. It is possible that you will be uncomfortable in such a role out of habit, but this does not mean that you are wrong or unkind. You are embarrassed only because you yourself are not characteristic of arrogance. But there is no other way for you not to be cornered.
What if it doesn’t help and nothing changes?
Overall. You must stand like a wall, not succumbing to pressure. Repeat, like a broken record, which solutions suit you. Speak to the point and without anger. If necessary, politely end the conversation.
In love relationships. Here, it is not easy to resist pressure because of feelings for a partner. But the relationship must be healthy. Talk to your partner without blaming them. Say how you feel when you are driven into a corner, and that the partner probably does not realize what is happening to you at this moment. Explain which would you prefer. If that doesn’t help, consider other options, such as seeing a family therapist together.
With the boss. You can seek advice from an HR or higher authorities. But before you take such steps, make sure that all your attempts to negotiate with the boss are documented.
Pressure people are very persistent and aggressive when they get their way. Of course this is not the norm.
With a family member. Try writing him a letter. Start with something positive, tell what it means to you, just be as sincere as possible. Next, say that you would like to improve your relationship, and explain how exactly. Try to mention some of his requests to you. Why is it better to do it in such a correspondence form? Often, pressure people are able to hear another person only when they do not see him in front of them with their own eyes and therefore are not in the mood for confrontation.
You can suggest going to see a psychologist together. This means that you value the relationship and are not going to be confrontational. Once again, you will most likely feel uncomfortable taking these actions. But the alternative to them is to be cornered again and again and do what you don’t like. Pressure people are very persistent and aggressive when they get their way.
Of course, this is not the norm. Healthy behavior suggests that people are kind and considerate towards others. But you can’t deal with those who are overly aggressive. Learn to stand up for yourself, but do not put pressure on other people.
About the author: Susan St. Welch, family and child therapist.