How to stop controlling everything?

“Check if the child has forgotten his hat at home and if the housekeeper turned off the stove, remind her husband about the check-up, and the godmother about visiting the doctor, order a cake for her niece, hurry up colleagues with a report, ask them to call partners … although no, it’s better to call yourself.”

The head of one of the departments of a large international company, 33-year-old Oksana admits that such a stream of thoughts is spinning in her head from morning to evening almost non-stop: “On the one hand, it seems to me that my career successes would have been much more modest if I have a habit of keeping everything under control. On the other hand, relatives often complain that I am like a “soul”. Yes, and I myself sometimes get tired of the constant need to either take everything on myself, or “carry out an audit”.

As for the desire to dictate to others how to live and what to do, a special term has been coined for this phenomenon – control freak (even without translation, it is clear that the word “care” and the same root with it are not here). Many justify this behavior with their own perfectionism. “His price,” warns psychologist Yevgeny Osin, “is the effort expended and the quality of relationships with relatives and colleagues.”

The “controller-perfectionist” himself loses mental resources, and those around him get tired of his nit-picking and do not understand why it is so important to do some completely formal business perfectly. Often at the heart of the pursuit of excellence lies the fear of failure or disapproval from others.

“When it is important for a person that everything is done flawlessly, he tries to control all the steps and cannot entrust things to others,” notes Osin. “This over-controllability can be good for business, but sometimes it just gets in the way.”

Fear, anxiety – that’s what makes us “keep our finger on the pulse.” Moreover, it doesn’t matter how large-scale and really negative the outcome we are afraid of: an explosion of domestic gas or the imperfect performance of some – even the most insignificant – business at work.

“As a rule, such life beliefs are either transmitted, for example, by parents (“You must control everything”), or become the result of some events,” explains clinical psychologist Yakov Kochetkov. – Moreover, he does not pay much attention to situations when a person did not control something and nothing happened, because they do not correspond to beliefs. What is remembered is what confirms them: say, someone forgot to turn off the iron, and a fire broke out – an obvious terrible consequence of a lack of control.

What is good and what is bad about this habit?

Control is evolutionarily justified and protects us from negative, including truly dangerous situations. Who knows if mankind would have survived if primitive people had not been on the alert. Yes, even for a modern person, elementary control skills (and the basics of safety) are not superfluous: look around at a pedestrian crossing, hold a bag in a crowded place, check if the oven is turned off before leaving the house.

Another thing is that not everything requires our control and, moreover, not everything is subject to it. “People with controlling behavior are characterized by an increased level of anxiety,” notes Yakov Kochetkov. – They often try to predict events that may not happen, spending a lot of effort on this. The most unpleasant thing for such people is situations that they cannot influence. For example, flying in an airplane. Often aerophobia occurs precisely in those who are used to being responsible for everything.

Most of us have been convinced more than once that this is only an illusion, that our vigilant control can protect us from any unforeseen situations and troubles.

There are different degrees of desire for control. The extreme, most pronounced, is called obsessive-compulsive disorder (formerly known as obsessive-compulsive disorder). Among other things, it manifests itself in the performance of a certain sequence of actions, for example, in repeated checks (is the light turned off? Is the gas? Sure?) or other repetitive actions (washing hands with soap three times in a row).

Yakov Kochetkov believes that in this case, the intervention of a specialist is necessary. According to Evgeny Osin, one can live successfully with this disorder. But: “If you cope with it, then the released energy, strength and time can be used to achieve some more important life goals than constant control and struggle with anxiety.”

How to stop controlling everything?

Yakov Kochetkov suggests the following technique: “In non-clinical cases of the desire for control, you can set up an experiment: try to gradually deviate from your rules. For example, start delegating authority – transfer some of the responsibilities to Vasya and see if he can do it (and think about whether the consequences will be catastrophic if he doesn’t).

Be careful not to drastically change your habits. Our beliefs are insidious: if you choose a task that really fails without our control, it will turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy, and you will remain in the opinion that nothing should be left to chance. Start small.

Ask yourself if overcontrol helps or hinders you. Write down all the pros and cons (since you are asking this question, it means that you are already facing cons). The next task is to understand the origin of these beliefs. Where are they from? Is this a parental setting? Or the environment you were in?

Finally, try to perform the alienation procedure. Add another voice to your internal dialogue, tell yourself, “Stop. I know that this habit arose under the influence of such and such. It does not help much, and experiments have shown that it can be dispensed with. Thanks to this remark, you can draw a line between your adult inner “I” and children’s beliefs.

According to Evgeny Osin, in non-critical cases, relaxation and rest help to cope with anxiety – the cause of overcontrol: “The ability to relax and let go of control is necessary in order to rest. At this time, we restore our strength. No wonder they say: a happy person is one who does not think about rest at work, and does not think about work during rest.

But if a person is not able to relax even at home (for example, thoughts about work, how to earn money do not let him go), over time this leads to mental exhaustion. Life loses color, nothing pleases, everyday affairs and the smallest, minor troubles and obstacles cause irritation. This means it’s time to take a break. To do this, it is enough just to learn how to allocate time for yourself in everyday life and at this time really relax.

Each person has their own recipes for recuperation: spend an evening with a book or chat with old friends, devote time to beauty treatments or music, take a bath, wander in the park or exercise.

If the nervous system is overexcited and it is difficult to switch to rest mode, special relaxation practices developed by different cultures over the centuries can help: focusing on breathing or movement helps to return to yourself, to feel your own life, bodily practices of yoga or tai chi – to become internally free through the release of the body from muscle clamps.