There is nothing worse than the betrayal of a person who, it would seem, should have loved us the most. Somewhere in the concept of love lies the belief that partners will protect each other’s interests. To love someone you have to trust that person, these things don’t come easy. So when trust is trampled on, anger is a perfectly normal defensive reaction. How to learn to control these emotions, says cognitive therapist Janice Wilhauer.
The wound inflicted by betrayal sometimes drags on for too long. If you hold on to a grudge, it can become toxic and prevent you from moving forward. When anger stemming from another person’s actions keeps you stuck, it means that he or she is still in control of your life. So how do you let go of anger?
1. Recognize it
Anger is an emotion that often makes people uncomfortable. You can hold the following beliefs: “Good people don’t get angry”, “Anger is unattractive”, “I am above such emotions”. Some go to extreme lengths to drown out this negative feeling. Often these steps are associated with self-destructive and unhealthy behavior. But, avoiding anger, they do not help her go.
The first thing to do to let go of anger is to accept it, come to terms with it. When someone mistreats you, violates personal boundaries, or does something hurtful, you have the right to be angry with them. Feeling angry in these situations suggests that you have a healthy level of self-esteem. Understand that anger is here to help you. It signals that you are in a situation that is not in your best interest. Often it is emotions that give courage to end an unhealthy relationship.
2. Express it
This is not an easy step. You may have had to suppress anger in the past until it erupted in one big explosion. Later, you regretted it and made a promise to keep such emotions even deeper in the future. Or you have been criticized for openly displaying anger.
Let’s be clear: there are healthy and unhealthy ways to express emotions. Those who are unhealthy can harm you and your relationships with other people. Expressing anger in a healthy way is something that many struggle with. But letting the anger come out is an important part of letting go of that negative feeling.
Sometimes it is necessary to express emotions directly to a specific person. But when it comes to people with whom relationships have already ended, healing is only about you. Sharing with your ex is not necessary, because the reality is that you don’t need his or her apology to heal.
The safest way to release your anger is to express it on paper. Write a letter to your ex, tell them everything you really want to say. Don’t hide anything because you’re not going to send a message. Strong anger often hides a lot of pain, so if you want to cry, don’t hold back.
After you’re done, put the letter aside and make an effort to do something fun and active. Later, if you still feel it’s important, share the letter with someone you trust, such as a close friend or therapist. When you’re ready, remove the message, or better yet, destroy it.
3. Depersonalize him
What a person says or does is always more about them than about you. If a partner cheated on you, this does not mean that you were bad at something, he just decided to be unfaithful. Learning to let go of anger is easier when you take your mind off specific events and try to look at the situation through the eyes of others involved.
Most people don’t set themselves the goal of hurting someone. As a rule, they do something, trying to feel better. For better or worse, it’s human nature to make decisions based on your own benefit. We think secondarily about how these actions will affect others.
Of course, this is no excuse. But sometimes understanding what another person was guided by can help you better understand past events and not take them personally. It is always easier to forgive a person when you see him as a whole person. If you find yourself seething with anger over what the other person did or didn’t do, try to step back and remember the good qualities you noticed in them when you first met. Recognize that we all have flaws and we all make mistakes.
“Love in itself does not harm us. The one who does not know how to love hurts, ”says Jay Shetty, motivational speaker.
Author: Janice Wilhauer, Cognitive Psychotherapist, Director of Psychotherapy at the Emery Clinic.