How to stop being just a friend?

They are united by work, common interests, they spend a lot of time together, but at the same time consider themselves just friends. Or is it just one of them? It often happens that one has much stronger, more romantic feelings for the other, while the other may not know about it or pretend not to know.

Нередко любящий не хочет признаваться в своих чувствах, подозревая, что они не взаимны, и боясь потерять ту связь, которая есть. «Такое «увязание» в дружбе, при внутренней потребности большего, фрустрирует и психологически обесточивает, – утверждает социальный психолог и исследователь межличностных отношений Джереми Николсон. – Эмоциональная неудовлетворенность соединяется с физической, когда мы стремимся в полной мере обладать человеком, но не получаем желаемого».

Olga and Sergey are friends. As a best friend, Sergey accompanies Olga wherever she does not want to be alone, gives gifts, helps. Sergey hopes that one day this friendship will turn into something more. However, this situation suits Olga quite well: she receives closeness, support from the “friend” and gives almost nothing in return. She feels free for other romantic relationships and at the same time can turn to Sergey at any time, who, apparently forever, is stuck in the “friend zone”.

However, you can remain an eternal friend and formally enter into a physical relationship. This form of relationship is called “friends without obligation.” Arina and Artem spend a lot of time together and sometimes have sex. Arina, however, would like a full-fledged relationship and real spiritual intimacy, which she does not receive. Thus, the interchange in this union is also not in her favor.

Indeed, the physical connection in this case creates only the illusion of closeness. And the one who ended up in the “zone of friends” still suffers from the emotional remoteness of the partner. Therefore, in whatever capacity you are “friends”, it will always be a psychologically unhealthy, destabilizing position for someone who is in love and wants more.

All full-fledged and important relationships for us involve some kind of exchange. This means that we voluntarily give something to each other and receive in return. However, if someone is in the zone of friends, then the exchange becomes unequal. One person gets everything he wants, and the second is forced to accept, not finding the main thing.

“It is necessary to change the psychological disposition of the existing relationship,” says Jeremy Nicholson. – It is important to be honest first of all with yourself and admit to yourself – you want much more from a relationship. Most likely, you yourself give a lot, and you need to balance this exchange.

1. Show less interest

Start showing less interest in your friend’s business and don’t be afraid to take a symbolic step back. By turning yourself into a psychological donor, showing your readiness to rush in at any moment, listen and help resolve a difficult situation (you must admit, this is exactly what you often do), you accustom the other to the fact that this is the norm.

Let your partner know that you expect more from your union, and only friendly support is not enough for you. The one who potentially turns out to be more determined to get out of an unsatisfactory relationship turns from a follower into a leader. In psychology, this behavior is described as the “principle of least interest”.

2. Let him miss you

Spend more time without a friend. If you are really dear to him, then your disappearance will make him bored and gradually realize the true significance of your presence. Social psychologist Robert Cialdini, in his book The Psychology of Influence, called this the “principle of insufficiency.” Finding that your participation in his (her) life has decreased, the person truly close to you begins to feel a sense of loss. This will increase his interest in you and possibly motivate him to take the relationship to the next level.

3. Create a sense of competition

May you make new friends of the opposite sex. And be sure to let your friend know about it. According to the “principle of insufficiency”, a perfectly healthy competitiveness and a little jealousy in this case will also raise your stakes as a potential candidate for a romantic relationship.

“People especially begin to appreciate what they can lose,” says Jeremy Nicholson. – And if you do not notice in response the slightest jealousy and desire to return you, obviously, you are not as dear to your friend as you would like. He really does not see you in a different role. The choice is yours: stay in the friend zone, thereby depriving yourself of the likely opportunity to start a relationship with another person, or find the strength in yourself and leave the union, which has long ceased to be friendly.

4. Encourage caring

Feel free to ask your friend for help. Even if you don’t really need it, create such situations. Contrary to popular belief, people are unconsciously more attached if they themselves have invested a part of themselves in the relationship, and not when they received care and support themselves. The more they invest in you a wide variety of resources: time, money, attention, the more emotionally expensive you become.

So help less and ask for help more often. Share problems and ask for advice, ask for a ride home… Even something as small as asking to make you tea or grab something along the way can be very significant.

5. Respond with gratitude

Be gentle and considerate if you have been taken care of and done something nice. This unconsciously motivates your counterpart to continue to receive your positive response and, in turn, experience pleasure. At the same time, pulling back a little in response to something you don’t like can be a signal to start making changes in your relationship.