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There is often more to jealousy than the fear of losing a particular person. Perhaps your life is poisoned by self-doubt, or a feeling of «underestimation» and «disliked», or a sad experience in the past … To stop being jealous of another person, you must first understand yourself.
Italian sociologist and coach Pierluigi D’Alessio offers five ways to change your thoughts and stop being jealous.
1. Believe in the best
Jealousy is a feeling fueled by fear. You spend a lot of time worrying about something bad that probably never happened and never will. Moreover, the habit of suspecting and distrusting only increases the likelihood that something unpleasant will happen after all, creating the Pygmalion effect.
Instead, it’s better to focus on the good, be able to enjoy what you have, and not regret what you lack
And remember, if someone is going to hurt you, there is nothing you can do to avoid it. Neither control, nor «monitoring», nor espionage, nor interrogations, nor jealousy, nor an attempt to instill a sense of guilt will help here. And if you trust someone, then trust completely.
2. Think before you speak
When you feel that you are overwhelmed with jealousy, the only way out is not to react. Because a violent scene of jealousy can lead to the end of a relationship. The rule “kill the monster while it is small” will help to restrain — that is, drive away bad thoughts as soon as they come to your mind. If your partner is talking to someone, turn on self-control, breathe deeply, count to a thousand … And calmly discuss with him what exactly made you jealous, then and only when the resentment weakens.
3. Realize that jealousy is a reaction to fear
In a moment of jealousy, we react not so much to the behavior of another person as to our own negative thoughts about this behavior. In other words, this is a reaction to your fear, to a possible scenario that you scroll through in your head and which, perhaps, will never be realized in reality.
Let’s say if you’re a parent and, for example, your child gets along well and plays well with another adult, there’s nothing wrong with that. This does not mean that he is better or more important than you — such a position puts you in the role of a defender. The more defensive you are, the more suspicious and jealous you become.
4. Believe in yourself
As a rule, jealousy is a consequence of low self-esteem and self-doubt. Sometimes it hides the fear of being abandoned, or the belief that your rival is always luckier in love than you, or the fear that “something is wrong” with you. Confident people know that it is impossible to please everyone, and when they make mistakes and are laughed at, they do not dramatize the situation. The presence of flaws does not diminish their value in their own eyes: we all learn from our mistakes. There are no failures — only experience!
5. Don’t Think You Have Exclusive Rights
If you get jealous as soon as you see someone approaching the person who «belongs» to you, ask yourself the following questions. Can the relationship between you and this person develop autonomously, not fueled by anything? Wouldn’t it be great if both of you would hang out with someone other than each other? How much more can you forbid him / her to have any interests in life other than you?
Your desire to be together with your loved one, child, parent or friend is understandable
And if you spend little time together, your bewilderment is quite justified. But if you are already practically inseparable, and everything is not enough for you, the imbalance is obvious. Find something you love to do: read books, join a gym, take classes, hang out with friends… in general, spend your free time doing something else.