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How to stop being angry with a child – child psychology and communication problems
Sometimes it doesn’t work to build a dialogue with your own child. Ten minutes of conversation – and a cry.
“I don’t know what to do, how to talk to him. I can’t talk at all. He doesn’t seem to hear me. I roll up my eyes and I scream. ” A friend, exhausted by everyday problems, sips tea with lemon balm with longing. “This is his eye roll to me – like a red rag,” – after five minutes of sympathetic silence, she adds.
This is familiar to everyone – to break down on those closest, and then toil with guilt, which cannot be quieted by gifts, apologies, or hugs. All the same, he already yelled. There is only one way out: to learn to control yourself so much that you will never again take out your anger, your fatigue and your failures on your child. After all, the trigger that launched the scandal is actually not that significant. Psychologists have drawn up a scheme with which you will cope with your incontinence once and for all.
Step 1. Fix the “explosion point”
Arrange yourself debriefing. No, self-criticism and self-flagellation are not needed. Calmly analyze what exactly triggered your emotional outburst. This point is the trigger that triggers the hysteria. The tone your teen used to address you? Did the child do what you asked him not to do for the hundredth time? Rolled his eyes at the request?
Now remember how your body feels at this moment: our emotional state is very closely related to physical sensations. The neck strains, the cheeks begin to burn, and the harsh words are already spinning on the tip of the tongue … If you realize that you feel this all again, immediately slow down. Inhale, exhale, count to ten – this is the most difficult moment on the way to getting rid of scandals. You stopped at the boiling point. You are well done.
Step 2. Change your communication template
To change something, you first need to understand by what pattern you are now interacting with your child. Perhaps you are using the schemes that you have become accustomed to since childhood. “Why, we were brought up like that – and nothing, we grew up!” And nothing, grew up – still not a very good script. The grass grows well in the field too. Slapping, slapping on the head, rude words and shouts, disproportionate to the offenses of punishment – in the heat of a quarrel you can not invent anything. And everything is equally bad.
Your child is just as adopting parenting patterns from you as you are from your parents. After all, you are a role model for him. How you deal with your anger now, so it will be. Remember this when the child snaps. Fall off – and he will fall on your grandson.
Try to find a new way to convey to the child your resentment, your disappointment, your displeasure. Not through anger.
Step 3: find your way to calm down
All people are different, everyone has their own way of regaining their composure. There are several popular ideas that actually work.
— Go away… If you realize that you are about to explode, just walk away. You can even explain to teens that you are not ready to continue the conversation right now. But be sure to return to it in a few minutes when you calm down.
— Deep breathing practice… Yes, that very inhale-exhale. You cut off the phrase right in mid-sentence and start breathing. This will at least surprise your children. Maybe they will even think that you are a little crazy, but this is even useful in a conflict situation. Just breathe really deeply: the stomach puffs out when you inhale, you feel that your lungs are completely filled with air. Breathe out through your nose until the very end. And so ten times. This pause will allow you to master yourself.
— Countdown. Let’s say a scandal caught you in the wrong place: on the road, at the table, when you are just trying to recover from a hard day at work. Count from one hundred to zero before opening your mouth. Or ten to zero, depending on your stress level. Again, this will give you a pause, time to think and decide if you really want to say what you were going to, or if you later regret it.
— Physical exercise… This is no longer a momentary method, but a long-term one. To strengthen your nerves and relieve accumulated stress, try to find time for sports or meditation. Yoga, running, cycling, boxing, banal walking – all this will help from unnecessary negative burden.
Children mirror our own state and mood. You scream and he will inevitably scream. Is he yelling already? So you are not small to mirror it. You are an adult, which means that you have more responsibility for the atmosphere of communication. Don’t try to start a conversation if you’re too angry – sometimes it’s better to chew. Limit yourself to short comments in a calm (!) Voice.
“I really really don’t like that you didn’t do anything that I asked for when I came home. Do it now, please. “
“I don’t like that you take away toys from your brother and bring him to tears. Now the toy goes on vacation for 20 minutes, and in the meantime you learn not to quarrel. “
“You know the rules: homework first, then TV. And no TV at night. “
Don’t dwell on this incident. Go on about your business.
Step 5: allow yourself not to be angry
Identify the things for yourself that really matter to you. For a child to do homework? Did you fulfill your requests? Was it polite? So that his room was at least relatively clean? Let him know what rules you will not tolerate breaking. And the rest can be neglected: there is no great sin in closing your eyes to petty whims, bad mood, forgetfulness or accidental rudeness. If you get upset about every little thing, you will end up with a stomach ulcer.
There is nothing to explain. If you made a mistake, punished the child for what he really did not do – apologize. Do not assume that this will undermine your authority and the child will sit on your neck. On the contrary, this way you let your child know that he is important to you. That it is important in principle. That his opinions and feelings matter. We are all human, we are all wrong. Do you want your child to be able to forgive?
Find someone to whom you can tell about your failure and who will not blame you for it. Only this person – a like-minded person – should not relieve you of responsibility for an emotional breakdown. Replicas like “Oh, it’s their own fault, they brought you” – this is not support. This is an attempt to justify what, in an amicable way, should be corrected. But “Nothing, it happens to everyone, you know how to deal with it. If it didn’t work now – it will work tomorrow, not all at once ”is quite suitable. You should stay away from judgmental friends and family who consider themselves gurus of upbringing with revelations. They will make you feel like nothing and a failure. But we know you are a good mom.
Step 8: be kind to yourself
There are no ideal parents. It is impossible to do everything right and always. Give yourself the right to make mistakes. Do not gnaw yourself for mistakes – this will not help grief. It is right to analyze the scandal, to understand where you made a mistake, where you can behave differently. And to engage in self-flagellation – no. You are an adult, you must look forward, not back.
Praise yourself sometimes. For what? For anything. That they could stop and not scream. They didn’t give a slap. Refrained from malice. Kept their promise to themselves to be better.