How to stop being afraid of being rejected

We are all afraid of something, but we rarely think about how fear affects our lives and decisions. Conscious fears, such as fear of flying, heights, or spiders, are easier to deal with. But unconscious, deep-seated fears can be extremely destructive. They rule our lives.

One of the strongest is the fear of rejection. Adaptation in society, success, self-esteem, independence from the opinions of others depend on it. The need to be accepted is in everyone. And when we are afraid that they will not accept us, we clothe this hidden fear in the formulations: “I can’t confess my feelings, what if they don’t reciprocate? I can’t ask for a raise because I’m afraid I’ll get fired for it.»

The task of the brain is to protect us, to protect us from the bad. When we say, “My ex broke my heart. If this happens again, I won’t survive it” or “No one will ever love me”, the brain fixes it. And as soon as a similar situation arises, he shows us a distorted reality, the one that we ourselves drew for him.

Where does the fear of rejection come from?

It originated in ancient times, when the prospect of being kicked out of the community, the tribe, meant that a person would have to survive alone. And it was very difficult to do so. In fact, this fear was equal to the fear of death. But we live in a different time and in different conditions, so it is worth realizing the truth: if we are rejected, we will not die. Maybe we will be sad, lonely or scared, but we will not die.

In our time, this fear is formed from childhood. When a child misbehaves, parents send him to another room. That is, we still use isolation, as in ancient times, to force the child to comply with certain rules, and thereby plant this fear in him.

Can this be avoided? Yes, if we consciously approach what and how we tell children. If you do not follow the example of our own “educators”, who said “Yes, stop whining” and “Well, think about it, they called you names at school, next time give the offender a forehead.”

Instead, you can say, “Were you called stupid? And what do you think about yourself?” Most likely, the child does not consider himself stupid. We need to support him in this thought: what matters is what he thinks about himself. Most suffer because of the words spoken by someone, and not only children, but also adults. Words can cause serious harm, they penetrate the depths of the soul.

How fear affects our lives

The fear of rejection is fundamental, it is rooted in our unconscious. Because of this, we are often afraid of everything in the world: buy the wrong gift (what if the recipient doesn’t like it?), dress inappropriately (what if they laugh?), tell us about our needs (what if they refuse us or even get angry for “impudence”?).

This fear reduces our self-confidence. We do not dare to say “no” in situations that we do not like, we become accommodating and helpful out of fear that otherwise we will be repulsed, “expelled” from the field of communication. We are afraid of this in the family, society, at work, at school, college — everywhere.

This leads to disappointment in life, procrastination, panic attacks, stress and depression. Many people wonder what is holding them back from being successful. And here, too, fear “comes out”: “if I am successful, people will not like me”, “if I am successful, I will lose all my friends”, “I will be envied”, “a partner will feel inferior next to me”. These thoughts encourage you to avoid success.

People who are afraid of failure also sabotage their own plans: “I want to meet this girl, but what if she rejects me? I’d rather not even try.» It is easier for such people not to implement plans than to fail.

In a stressful situation, the brain sets itself up for problematic thoughts: “I’d better not do this again, then I won’t have to go through this again.” But the problem is not in fear itself, but in our attitude towards it, which is formed by thoughts. And in order to cope with fear, you must first defeat the thoughts that are transformed into this fear.

Exercises to deal with fear

1. Presentation

Choose a place where no one will disturb you. Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Think about your fears. Imagine that you are watching a slide presentation titled «My Phantom Fears» on a big screen. Try to see each one as clearly as possible.

If you are afraid that you will be rejected, then imagine on the slide that they are leaving you and do not want to communicate with you anymore. If you are afraid of being successful, imagine that everyone turned away when you achieved success. Look at these slides and read the text that appears in the center of the picture: «This is not true, these are just images that appear at the moment the slide is illuminated.»

Now watch how the fear slide starts to fade. As a result, the picture disappears and the inscription remains: «You have no fear.» If you do this exercise with full awareness, it is a great help to cope with fears.

2. Gone with the wind

Ask yourself the question: “What am I really afraid of?” Take a sheet and describe your fear. Put the paper in front of you and read what you have written.

Say: “I recognize you. You are the fear that scares me — I’m afraid of being rejected. I know that you want to protect me and I appreciate that. I am grateful to you for this. But now it’s time for me to say goodbye to you. I learned to live without you, I no longer need to be protected. I release you from this role. I’m safe».

Then take this leaf and burn it. Open the window and blow out the ashes. Say to fear: «Goodbye, but now I will live without you.»

These exercises work gradually. Observe yourself for a week: you will feel much better. It is very important to be aware of fears, and for in-depth study, you can contact a specialist. But if it is not possible, in many cases we can help ourselves.