How to stop being a victim of circumstance

We constantly find ourselves in situations where people shift responsibility to us, and we don’t even notice how we ourselves do the same. But this is not the way to succeed. John Miller, a business coach and author of a methodology for developing personal responsibility, uses examples from his life to tell you exactly how to take responsibility and why you need it.

Personal responsibility

I stopped at a gas station for coffee, but the coffee pot was empty. I turned to the seller, but he pointed his finger at a colleague and replied: “Her department is responsible for coffee.”

You probably remember a dozen similar stories from your life:

• “The store administration is not responsible for things left in the lockers”;
• “I can’t get a normal job because I don’t have connections”;
• “Talented people are not given a chance to break through”;
• «Managers receive millions of annual bonuses, but I have not been given a single bonus for 5 years of work.»

These are all facets of undeveloped personal responsibility. Much less often you will meet the opposite example: they gave good service, helped in a difficult situation, quickly solved the problem. I have it.

I ran into a restaurant to eat. There was little time, and there were a crowd of visitors. A waiter hurried past with a mountain of dirty dishes on a tray and asked if I had been served. I replied that not yet, but I would like to order a salad, rolls and Diet Coke. It turned out that there was no cola, and I had to ask for water with lemon. Soon I received my order, and a Diet Coke a minute later. Jacob (that was the name of the waiter) sent his manager to the store for her. I didn’t make it myself.

An ordinary employee does not always have the opportunity to demonstrate fabulous service, but proactive thinking is available to everyone. It is enough to stop being afraid to take responsibility and devote yourself to your work with love. Proactive thinking is rewarded. A couple of months later, I went back to the restaurant and found out that Jacob had been promoted.

Forbidden questions

Replace complaint questions with action questions. Then you can develop personal responsibility and get rid of the psychology of the victim.

“Why doesn’t anyone love me?”, “Why doesn’t anyone want to work?”, “Why did this happen to me?” These questions are unproductive because they do not lead to a solution. They only show that the person who asks them is a victim of circumstances and is not able to change anything. It is better to get rid of the word «why» altogether.

There are two more classes of «wrong» questions: «who» and «when». “Who is responsible for this?”, “When will the roads in my area be repaired?” In the first case, we shift responsibility to another department, employee, boss and get into a vicious circle of accusations. In the second — we mean that we can only wait.

A journalist in a newspaper faxes a request to the press service and waits for a response. Day two. I’m too lazy to call, and the deadlines for the article are running out. When there is nowhere to postpone, he calls. They had a nice talk with him and sent a reply in the morning. It took 3 minutes, and the work of the journalist dragged on for 4 days.

Right questions

«Correct» questions begin with the words «What?» and “How?”: “What can I do to make a difference?”, “How to make a customer loyal?”, “How to work more efficiently?”, “What should I learn to bring more value to the company?”

If the wrong question expresses the position of a person who is unable to change anything, then the right questions prompt action and form proactive thinking. «Well, why is this happening to me?» does not require a response. This is more of a complaint than a question. «Why did this happen?» helps to understand the reasons.

If you take a closer look at the «wrong» questions, it turns out that almost all of them are rhetorical. Conclusion: rhetorical questions are evil.

Collective responsibility

There is no collective responsibility, it’s an oxymoron. If a client comes with a complaint, someone alone will have to answer to him. Even physically, all employees will not be able to line up in front of a disgruntled visitor and jointly respond to a complaint.

Let’s say you want to get a loan from a bank. We came to the office, signed all the documents, waiting for the result. But something went wrong, and the bank does not communicate its decision. Money is needed as soon as possible, and you go to the office to sort things out. It turned out that your documents were lost. You are not interested in who is to blame, you want to quickly solve the problem.

A bank employee listens to your dissatisfaction, sincerely asks for forgiveness, although he is not guilty, runs from one department to another and in a couple of hours comes with a ready-made positive decision. Collective responsibility is personal responsibility in its purest form. It’s the courage to take the hit for the whole team and get through the tough times.

The case of the waiter Jacob is a great example of collective responsibility. The goal of the company is to treat each client with care. She was followed by both the waiter and the manager. Think about what your line manager would say if you sent him out to get a Coke for a client? If he is not ready for such an act, then it is not for him to teach his subordinates the mission of the company.

Theory of small things

We are often dissatisfied with what is happening around us: officials take bribes, do not improve the yard, a neighbor has parked the car in such a way that it is impossible to get through. We constantly want to change other people. But personal responsibility begins with us. This is a banal truth: when we ourselves change, the world and the people around us also begin to change imperceptibly.

I was told a story about an old woman. A group of teenagers often gathered in her entrance, they drank beer, littered and made noise. The old woman did not threaten the police and reprisals, did not expel them. She had a lot of books at home, and during the day she began to take them out to the entrance and put them on the windowsill, where teenagers usually gathered. At first they laughed at it. Gradually got used to them and began to read. They made friends with the old woman and began to ask her for books.

The changes will not be quick, but for them it is worth being patient.

D. Miller «Proactive Thinking» (MIF, 2015).