Anxiety and the desire to protect the child make parents overprotect him, protecting him from dangers and … life itself. What sensible steps should parents take to teach their children the necessary skills to survive in today’s world?
Reading and watching the news every day adds to parents’ concerns. School bullying, online bullying, trauma, shootings, kidnappings, and other horrendous events feed anxiety and a desire to hide a child away from it all, shelter them from negativity and threats, real and imagined.
“hens” or “helicopter parents”
Frightened parents are ready to do anything to keep their children under supervision, enveloping and often suffocating them with hyperprotection. The mother hens just want to protect the child, and for this they have to control it. Such parents are also called “helicopter” parents, because they, like helicopters, anxiously circle over their son or daughter all the time, afraid to let them out of sight even for a moment.
Marriage therapist Mary Hartwell-Walker writes, “The only reason you’re called a ‘helicopter parent’ is because you love your child and want to keep them safe in a dangerous world. But when there is too much care, it begins to harm, not help. After all, children deprived of the opportunity to explore the world not only do not face dangers, but also cannot gain experience, learn how to protect themselves.
How to “land your helicopter”?
According to the expert, the key to the safety of children is not to protect them from any risks. It’s impossible. It is to strengthen their resilience in the face of adversity. We, as parents, must give children the tools to deal with danger, not fight for them and instead of them.
Mary Hartwell-Walker offers parents simple rules to “land your helicopter” and stop being overprotective of a child.
Being young means facing completely new situations and actions that you never had to do before.
Look at the situation in perspective. The news is constantly talking about how bad things are and it’s very difficult to stay positive. The reason is that we tend to notice bad news and react to it, but we do not pay attention to good news, we take it for granted. Therefore, it is worth treating reasonably everything that you hear and read, and not panic.
Deal with your own anxiety. According to the expert, adults need to learn to keep their anxiety to themselves so that children do not “catch” it. If you can’t cope with the negative on your own, contact a psychologist. He will talk about ways to manage fears.
Take time for self-reflection. Being young means facing completely new situations and actions that you never had to do before. And everything new is a little scary.
The therapist invites parents to remember what they themselves did when they were teenagers. What life lessons have been helpful? What are not? We survived despite all the risks we exposed ourselves to, gained experience. Now our kids need to get theirs.
Find out if what the child wants is dangerous. It may turn out that you exaggerate the degree of risk. The parents of the friend who invited your child to visit may well have the same views on nutrition and parenting as you. The football team your child is applying for has an excellent coach. A hike, excursion or dance, where you were afraid to let your son or daughter go, will be held under the supervision of adults.
“Let the baby go and go about your business,” Mary Hartwell-Walker tells her parents. – Do not answer “no” to his requests, it is better to specify what, how, where and with whom he will do. Make sure there is no danger and relax.”
Tell a story. Rest assured, if you start an hour-long notation again, the child is unlikely to hear even a word. But a fascinating story about the past, about what you did when you were young, and what conclusions you made, will surely attract his attention.
For example, the father told the children how, in his youth, he rode with friends in a stolen car and thundered into the police. He was released because it was not him who stole the car and he was simply persuaded to ride, but he remembered this experience forever.
Learn to make decisions. Starting any business, we take risks in one way or another. So don’t just answer “yes” or “no” when your child asks for permission to do something. It is better to discuss with him all the pros and cons of the occupation that interests him.
For example, a child wants to play hockey. Yes, you can get hurt. Self-esteem can drop if it doesn’t work right away. But high-quality sports equipment, competent training and motivation will make classes relatively safe and exciting. Becoming part of a team, you can learn how to communicate in a team and sportsmanship.
Show how to get out of an unpleasant situation. Sometimes a child gets into a difficult situation and looks for a way out. It will be easier for him if he understands: parents will help him understand everything without notations and tell him how to solve the problem. Here it is important not only to take everything upon yourself, but to explain how to restrain emotions, carefully say goodbye to dangerous friends and adequately get out of the situation.
You can’t teach a child to protect himself overnight. You need to talk a lot and constantly
Do not let everything take its course, share life stories with children, speak out what they should do in this or that case. Teach them how to deal with difficulties.
“Remember that a teenager will turn to you for help only if he knows that you will listen and prompt, without then raining down on him lectures and condemnation,” the expert recalls.
Let the children “stuff their bumps.” No matter how much we want to wrap children in cotton wool and protect them from problems and dangers, this should never be done. Yes, at school a child can be teased, he can be upset if he does not become a first-class skater, and on a walk he can fall and break his knees.
But this does not mean that children should be banned from going to school, participating in sports clubs, walking on playgrounds and riding bicycles. On the contrary, it is better to tell them how to protect yourself, and then enjoy new opportunities and experiences with them.
You can’t teach a child to protect himself overnight. We need conversations, games, stories. You need to constantly talk with him, share experiences. Discuss dangerous situations and scenarios for getting out of them.
About the Author: Mary Hartwell-Walker is a family therapist.