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When we spend time alone with a partner day after day, week after week, disputes break out between us every now and then, which sometimes develop into real scandals. But in fact, trying to convince a loved one of the wrong from the point of view of science is completely pointless. And that’s why.
Locked in a confined space of an apartment, partners face disagreements from which it is impossible to escape to work or to friends. In a state of anxiety and tension, even small problems grow to the size of global and unsolvable ones. And everyone tries to prove to the other that he is wrong, even if the subject of the dispute is to turn on the light in the kitchen or not, whether to put the cups in the dryer or next to the sink.
Therefore, anyone who is isolated and trying not to “kill” a partner should heed the conclusions of Tara Vrance, a psychologist and meditation instructor, who says that trying to convince another that he is wrong at all costs only leads to that everyone feels even more alone and isolated.
Psychotherapists who work with couples say that sometimes in sessions, spouses first of all try to shift the blame for problems on each other. They claim that the husband or wife constantly criticizes them, does not thank them, does not pay attention. And this, in turn, allegedly forces them to defend themselves and prove that everything is just the opposite, relying on logic and facts. Then they list in detail how the partner can correct the mistakes, what to say or do to resolve the conflict.
Unfortunately, such ways to prove to another that he is wrong do not work, but, on the contrary, force the partner to defend himself and prove his position even more actively. Many couples find themselves in this situation. The problem is, it’s completely useless. In each of the partners, the inner lawyer raises his head and begins to gather arguments, and in the end it seems as if both partners met in court.
What happens when couples argue pointlessly? Everyone focuses on their own ego and gets stuck in a fight or flight state. As a result of such a strategy, one necessarily wins, the other loses. Instead of seeing each other as allies, realize that the goal of the dispute is common: to maintain relationships – partners behave like opponents. And in the end, no one feels understood, but everyone feels isolated and offended, which, in an already limited space, can destroy relationships.
Tara Vrance argues that it is impossible to prove one’s case by striving solely to win an argument. She offers a different model of behavior based on compassion, the desire to understand and accept someone else’s way of thinking.
First of all, it is worth trying to understand the feelings of a partner, to understand him, no matter how strange and unfair he behaves
The author in the book Radical Compassion writes: “It is necessary to consciously approach our feelings that overwhelm us at the moment of an argument, accept them and pause before reacting.” Too hasty and violent reactions reinforce and intensify the conflict.
To find the capacity for compassion in yourself, you need to allow yourself to be disappointed, to feel how the other person can feel, giving free rein to your own emotions.
The only thing that helps couples get through the pain of disagreement and quarrels is the desire to understand, and not label and devalue. When everyone focuses too much on how right they are and how wrong the other is, no one wins. Because initially both sought to find something in common, to come to a compromise, to explain what worries them, to be understood.
So, in order for the relationship in a couple to become more harmonious and deep, it is worth first of all to try to understand the partner’s feelings, to understand him, no matter how strange and unfair he behaves. (Of course, this technique does not apply to cases of domestic violence.)
You need to work with emotions together, support, show your partner that you understand him, help you feel heard. Keep this in mind when you are about to argue with your partner. And instead of screaming and arguing, try the following tips from Tara Branch.
1. Use facial expressions and body language to help your partner relax and open up.
Try copying your partner’s facial expressions and body language during an argument. Studies have shown that such “mimicry” increases the feeling of comfort, acceptance, sympathy. But this only works if the partner does not close at the very beginning of the conflict. If so, give him space and time and open yourself up to infect him with your sincerity.
2. Choose your words to come to an agreement
Once you’ve helped him feel like you’re on the same side with your body language and facial expressions, it’s time to pay attention to your words and tone. Talk to your partner warmly and sincerely. Show that you are trying to understand him better: “I thought you were upset because … Right?” Or – that they listened carefully and understood: “Now it’s clear why you are upset.”
This form of conversation helps the other to explain their point of view and more likely to accept someone else’s. In addition, remind you that you have already been able to agree on some issues, which means that it will be possible to do this on the rest. This will give an incentive to look for solutions that will suit both.
3. Take the first step to find a solution
Look for a way out, reach a compromise, take steps towards, listen to the arguments. Give your partner the opportunity to see why his habits annoy you, and look at your own from the side. Show that you want to solve the problem constructively, do not seek to win at all costs, do not want him or her to lose.
A conversation between two is not a sporting event or a war between powers. Your goal is the solution, not the victory itself. It should be general, suit both you and your partner. Therefore, there is no point in proving that you are right. Instead, try to understand, understand, hear. And then, perhaps, isolation will only unite your couple.
About the author: Tara Vrance is a psychologist and meditation instructor.