Take a break, calmly think about what is most important for us now … This is simply necessary so as not to drive yourself into an exhausting race, not to lose your taste for life … And for this it is worth making an effort.
“There are days when I feel like I’m suffocating,” says Olga, 32, an advertising manager. — Everything pisses me off, I feel like I’m literally drowning. It seems that I am being attacked from all sides, I am losing my self-control, the ability to reason, to make allowances for circumstances. Like Olga, many of us live in conditions of constant overload. Home, family and work, work, work… In this whirlwind we stop noticing the details of life, we don’t enjoy communicating with friends and relatives, we forget to take care of ourselves. And we constantly feel guilty, because all the time we didn’t manage to do something: we didn’t call someone, we didn’t meet with someone, we promised — we didn’t do it.
“Calm down”, “Take a deep breath”, “Pause” — sometimes we persuade ourselves. But most of us simply cannot step aside, step back and look at the situation from a different angle. In everyday life, we fail to place the right accents: what is important and valuable, and what is momentary and not worth mental costs. And only in the dramatic moments of our lives (accident, illness, loss of loved ones) suddenly everything else turns out to be insignificant, absurd in the face of the most important thing.
“The youngest son was a year and a half and the eldest was eight when my husband left us,” recalls Elena, 44, a historian. — I was seized by a real panic: how will I live, how will I raise children who loved their father so much, how will I earn our living? For almost a year I was tormented by the same dream in which on the street I noticed a man with a white disk instead of a face. I kept hiding from him, but in the end we met … And at that moment, fear was replaced by a clear feeling that I had to discover something new in myself. I managed to cope with the panic and “rationally” relate to changes in real life: I received a second education, improved relations with my sons, changed jobs. But the main thing is that I realized that the departure of my husband put an end to my former existence, full of running around, routine, repetitive situations and events that took a lot of mental strength.
Life on the run
Many of us live at full speed and just can’t slow down, thinking that this is how other people live. This is especially true for residents of large cities. “Speed became part of urban life and culture about 20-30 years ago,” says existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. “This acceleration has profoundly changed not only the way of life of millions of people, but also the course of their thoughts.” We have forgotten how to look forward to the distant future, to savor our desires and dreams. A fast pace, the need to immediately satisfy our own and other people’s desires have become a style of our life. It is scary to slow down, to stop, first of all, because there is a great danger of “falling out of the cage” in this way: to lose a prestigious job, to be forced out by younger professionals. “When we reduce our claims, deviating from the life model prescribed by society, we really run the risk of falling out of our social circle,” says sociologist Vladimir Magun. And he explains: “For almost 25 years, we have been studying the changing life aspirations of Russian high school graduates. In 1985, at the beginning of the study, the limit of desires was the position of the head of a small team, a wooden dacha, an apartment with one less room than family members, «Zhiguli». Now a large brick house appears in the answers, many school graduates dream of managing enterprises and institutions, having their own business. And we are ready to work intensively to achieve these goals.”
Of course, not all of us are ambitious workaholics. And this is confirmed by the figures: labor productivity in Russia is about three times lower than in America*. Still, 40% of Russians over 18 say that achievements in work are especially important to them, and 27% say they would like to have a more responsible position**. “In a day, I have to organize my subordinates, take my son to school in the morning, check his lessons in the evening, study English with him, study mathematics and pay at least some attention to my husband,” complains Zhanna, 35, an economist. — Yes, and be sure to call your mother … There are so many things that I cannot do each of them well. Because of this, there is a constant oppressive feeling that they are chasing me, and I must constantly accelerate so as not to fall.
Our desire to control time has paradoxically led to the fact that time is constantly moving away from us. Because the fast pace of life narrows our horizons, inhibits natural behavior, leaving no opportunity to grow, discover new things in ourselves and be open to other people. “To be successful, we have to restrain our emotions,” explains existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. “And as a result, we lose sensitivity and continue to run, not paying attention to what is happening to us.”
Well, even Montaigne claimed that «fame and tranquility never sleep in the same bed» ***. There comes a time when we realize that our strength is finite, and we are not ready to achieve at the cost of constant stress.
Learn to live slower
“I was constantly on Twitter and posted every step of my life there,” says Oleg, 23, a technical editor. – At home, at work, at conferences and when traveling. And suddenly I realized that I was writing a huge number of messages, devoid of any emotions. And that such an occupation makes me all the time (even mentally) somewhere in a hurry. It even scared me.» The German writer Michael Ende tells about this in the parable tale «Momo» (Amphora, 2005). In one small town, buyers of free, irrationally used time appeared. And instantly faded, the life of those who did not have a second left to stop and listen to the birds singing, admire the sunset, notice the change of seasons became meaningless …
“It seems to me that the ultimate goal of human life is to reveal oneself to the fullest, to show one’s “spark of God” and to feel confident, to feel reliable,” wrote Hans Selye, a Canadian psychologist and creator of the doctrine of stress. “To do this, you need to find the optimal level of stress for yourself and expend energy at a pace and direction that suits our innate characteristics and preferences” ****. It is better for each of us to develop our own rhythm of life, in which there will be enough mental and physical strength for all undertakings, worries, experiences and emotions. “We need to learn to take care of our own strength,” says Svetlana Krivtsova. And for this it is necessary to separate the paramount from the not so important for our life. Determine the true values, draw up a clear plan of action and finally execute it.
Contact yourself
“I started seeing a psychotherapist, and the fact that I was able to take time for myself at least once a week was already a small victory for me,” recalls Olga, 37, a teacher. “I still feel overwhelmed, but I’m no longer afraid of it. I am learning to prioritize and organize my life without stress.” Meditation, group therapy, or personal growth practices help us manage our emotions and act in fearful situations. “When work is jammed, everyone in the department is nervous, and the boss only adds tension by constantly raising his voice to us, I find a secluded place and do one exercise — a mudra that is practiced in yoga,” admits 28-year-old Julia, a content manager. – The essence of wisdom is in certain combinations of fingers, because each of them is full of nerve endings associated with a certain part of the body. With light pressure, I connect the pads of two fingers and freeze for a while. This is how I adjust my emotional state.”
So, to pause, step back from what is happening, sort out emotions, clarify your thoughts and finally feel inner balance is in our power. And above all, because we remain free — no matter how our life develops. Free people in the absolute sense of the word. In any case, the philosopher Merab Mamardashvili stated this: “If a human being is dependent or a slave, then only a slave of his own ghosts, which grew out of his own soul. It is not the world that makes him a slave – in relation to the world, a person is absolutely free”*****.
* According to the McKinsey Global Institute (MGI) study «Effective Russia: Productivity as a Foundation for Growth», McKinsey & Company, 2009. ** According to the Russian survey within the framework of the international program «Generations and Gender», Independent Institute for Social Policy (Moscow), 2004.
*** Michel Montaigne. Sayings and aphorisms. RIC Literature, Ripol Classic, 2009.
**** HHB Selye «The Stress of Life». McGraw-Hill Companies, 1959. ***** M. Mamardashvili “Psychological topology of the path. Lectures on Proust «In Search of Lost Time». Publishing house of the Russian Christian Humanitarian Institute, Journal NevaSPb, 1997.