How to stay sane in a cruel world

“If we become more irritable, impatient, critical, resentful, angry, less flexible, lose the ability to see perspectives, it is not our fault. This is an evil world.» Psychotherapist and relationship and anger expert Steven Stosny is convinced that anger in any form is the most contagious emotion of all. Being close to negative people, seeing them on the news, reading on social networks, we can absorb their negativity, take it upon ourselves.

What is the worst thing about living in an evil world? It turns us into something we despise, says Stosny. “We react to jerks like jerks. We hate people who hate us. We behave disrespectfully and complain about disrespect. By reacting to narcissists — those who feel morally or intellectually better and are not able to understand others — we ourselves manifest narcissism.

We are dissatisfied with politicians who call each other dishonest and hypocritical, and we briefly feel satisfied when the same anger that gathers political currents ends up destroying them.”

We have the right to be angry

Whatever causes it, we have the right to be angry. But there is a more important question, Stephen Stosny clarifies: “Do you want to be angry, irritable, impatient, resentful and tough?”

Chronic anger involves blaming. It forces us to focus on the idea of ​​what other people are doing wrong. This makes it almost impossible to see what we ourselves are doing wrong. We feel like we are being treated badly. When we protest, we are bewildered by the negative reactions we get in return.

Anger feels different on the inside than it looks on the outside. It changes body language, facial expressions and tone of voice. This is what other people react to, this is what they read in communication with us. When we blame, we are inevitably blamed. When we shame others, others will shame us.

The desire to blame others changes our perception. It is unlikely that we will understand how anger changes us. Stosny gives several striking examples.

Chronic Anger:

• Makes us «reactaholics»: other people «push our buttons» and manipulate us.
• Eliminates positive passion — conviction, meaning, purpose — through a strong desire for revenge or punishment.
• Destroys sex life by accumulating the number one block in intimacy — resentment.
• Impairs fine motor skills. “By the way, never choose an angry or resentful surgeon,” Stosny recommends.

Chronic anger increases the risk of:

• heart disease, stroke, cancer, hypertension and mood disorders,
• alcoholism, drug addiction, workaholism and other compulsive behaviors,
• colds, flu, abdominal pain, headaches and muscle pain.

Since anger requires extreme concentration on the perceived threat, it distorts the perception of reality. Chronic anger makes us see threats everywhere. It turns out that we are easily offended. We have something akin to paranoia. This breeds pettiness and vindictiveness.

In a relationship, chronic anger involves a constant struggle for power. This feeling is definitely not for communication or negotiations. Its functions are to:

• control/neutralize perceived threats — mostly ego-directed,
• warn, intimidate, threaten to lose affection.

More passion, less anger

Anger and passion are often combined. Some people think that they need the energy of anger to correct a mistake. In fact, when we are angry, we are much more likely to commit rather than correct them. Stephen Stosny believes that in order to correct a mistake, the energy of passion is needed.

According to him, it is the difference between anger and passion that helps us stay sane in an evil world. Anger prompts to struggle, punishment, depreciation, destruction, annihilation. Passion gives strength to build, create, improve, appreciate. Anger unleashes wars. Passion brings hope. Anger leads to exhaustion and depression. Passion drives towards purpose and confidence. And, of course, passion is more likely to produce positive results.

Don’t let yourself be deceived

Some study participants talk about the beneficial effects of anger on them. But a self-report, a first-person assessment cannot be objective — anger blinds your eyes, makes you blame others and makes it impossible to see the situation from different points of view. Working with issues of domestic violence, Stosny realized early in his career that a different—and more accurate, realistic—assessment of a person’s anger can be obtained by interviewing family members or colleagues. Anger, by definition, robs us of the ability to soberly evaluate our own behavior and see its impact on others.

Anger can be justified, but you shouldn’t justify it.

Of course, everyone gets angry sometimes. Anger is not a problem if we don’t spend a lot of time justifying it. The longer we do this, the longer the anger lasts, we cannot get the resentment out of our heads. This greatly prolongs the emotional and physical state that developed in moments of short bursts of energy. The detrimental health effects of anger mentioned above are not so much a result of how angry we are, but rather of how long our anger lasts.

The desire to justify one’s anger is significant. When we give in to anger, we give up our values ​​and beliefs. So we want to justify our reaction, mostly in our own eyes. “Have you ever felt the urge to justify more humane emotions—compassion, kindness, or love?” Stosny asks.

In any case, even in an evil world, we can remain sane if we treat our own anger as a fleeting emotion and refrain from judgment until it has passed.

Angry, we

• unable to see the future
• likely to exaggerate and oversimplify (the evolutionary function of anger is to amplify and exaggerate perceived threats),
• less able to control impulses and tolerate frustration,
• are likely to violate our deepest values ​​and act against our long-term interests,
• more complacent than right.

We should not attempt to negotiate, analyze problems, make decisions, or do anything important until we have corrected this temporary state. It has already prepared us for the fight, when we really need to be more compassionate and find a reasonable solution to the problem.

Anger is understandable and justified, Stosny repeats, as are the negative reactions to our anger that we inevitably receive from others. “The more important question is this: do we want to contribute to the emotional pollution of this world and be involved in the cycle of evil?”

About the Author: Steven Stosny is a psychologist, family therapist, and co-author of Honey, We Need to Talk About Our Relationships. … How to do it without a quarrel” (Sofia, 2008).