Contents
- 1.Перефразируйте услышанное
- 2.Будьте кратки
- 3. Ask and Assume
- 4. Do not find out the details, do not strive for objectivity
- 5. Do not go back, follow the interlocutor
- 6. Remember delicacy
- 7. Ask for clarification
- 8. Check yourself
- Reveal Your Automatic Reactions
- JUDGMENT
- INTERPRETATION
- OPINION
- RETURN TO YOURSELF
- ПОПЫТКА УСПОКОИТЬ
- COUNCIL
How to avoid misunderstandings and misunderstandings? Show respect by listening carefully. An expert in the field of communication shares life hacks that will help you find a common language with others.
Entering into a dialogue does not mean understanding each other. We need an effective way to show the interlocutor that we hear and understand him.
«В этом поможет присоединение, которое также называют активным или эмпатическим слушанием, — говорит семейный системный и эмоционально-фокусированный терапевт Ирина Мороз. — Эту технику используют психотерапевты во всем мире. Она требует определенного умения, и к ней не надо прибегать постоянно, а только тогда, когда это уместно».
Joining is based on the idea of our presence next to the interlocutor as a companion, and not a mentor, coach, example or teacher. Irina Moroz tells how and when to apply attachment.
1.Перефразируйте услышанное
Перефразировать — это значит своими словами сообщать собеседнику, который рассказывает что-то о себе, что мы восприняли его сообщение, и таким способом проверять, правильно ли мы поняли его мысль. Понаблюдайте за тем, воспользуется ли собеседник вашей формулировкой и станет ли диалог развиваться.
Помните о том, что ваша цель — не выставить себя в выгодном свете, показывая или подразумевая, что вы понимаете ситуацию лучше, чем он, а позволить ему опереться на то, что он говорит. И пойти дальше, вместо того чтобы стараться к чему-то его подвести.
2.Будьте кратки
You don’t have to rephrase all the time. This tool should be used only if it seems appropriate to you to develop a topic or make the conversation more confidential.
Хорошая новая формулировка часто короче, чем первоначальная фраза. Так вы дадите собеседнику больше пространства, не заполняя его собой, и позволите ему сделать свои рассуждения или переживания более ясными.
3. Ask and Assume
Focus on what, in your opinion, is most important for the interlocutor. When offering accents, use the form of a question or introductory words: “likely”, “probably”. It’s okay if you make a mistake, the interrogative wording invites the interlocutor to consider your version and correct it if necessary.
Example. “I don’t feel as happy as I used to when I walk into my office.” “Are you bored there?”
4. Do not find out the details, do not strive for objectivity
If the interlocutor speaks in the first person, try to paraphrase his feelings rather than facts. This will create an atmosphere of attention and trust. The most important thing is to understand (and show that you understood) what exactly the interlocutor experienced, experienced, felt.
You are not a detective in search of the truth. If you are told, “His remark was humiliating,” don’t try to figure out what could be demeaning about that remark. Rather, help the interlocutor understand why these words had such an effect on him: “When he said this, were you humiliated?”
5. Do not go back, follow the interlocutor
Accompany the person you’re listening to on their journey forward. If it contradicts itself and it seems important to you or interferes with understanding, you can say: “You just said that …” or “But now you think that …”.
You can also choose not to develop this topic and continue to follow it at a new stage of his reflection. You can talk about being confused, but you want to understand the interlocutor better: “Help me figure it out …”
6. Remember delicacy
One should not dwell too much on the painful aspects that the interlocutor reveals, but one should not contradict him either. Example: “I made scandals, offended him, and now he is gone!” An unsuccessful answer would be: “You ruined your relationship with someone dear to you and now you are in despair.”
Было бы более уместно и уж точно — менее обидно ответить: «Похоже, ты берешь ответственность за разрыв отношений на себя, и это вызывает отчаяние?»
7. Ask for clarification
For example, if you find it difficult to understand the feelings of another, or if you are hesitating between two meanings of his statements, you can invite him to choose between them. Or we ask questions one at a time so that the interlocutor can “try on” the options. It is better to have more than two options, so as not to create the illusion of a choice between “black and white”.
For example, a friend says: “I am completely exhausted with this work. I’m just not good for her. Now, if I had a clear algorithm of actions, then I would not get confused in all these tasks.
Вы можете ответить: «Я не совсем понимаю: ты думаешь, что эта должность не подходит тебе? Или считаешь, что тебе недостаточно хорошо объяснили, как выполнять работу? Или сама эта работа не предполагает четких инструкций и дает слишком много места для импровизации?»
8. Check yourself
Do you think your joining allows the interlocutor to relax and encourages him to continue the story, or does he expect something else from you? In the second case, you can ask him what he expects from you: analysis, advice, evidence, opinion …
Remember that not all conversations require paraphrasing and not all phrases of the interlocutor need to be clarified. Trust your intuition, what you feel and perceive.
Finally, don’t forget that joining (actively listening) is not about approving, it’s about empathy. The key word here is sincerity; for if the interlocutor’s words shock or outrage us, it will be difficult to stay in touch with him, and all the above methods will become mechanical.
Наши сложные переживания, скорее всего, отразятся в тоне голоса, выражении лица. Собеседник может начать чувствовать в беседе «двойное дно». Лучше сразу сделать это препятствие явным.
Например: «Я могу представить, как ты была напугана, когда потеряла ребенка в магазине, ты могла чувствовать себя виноватой и бояться, что окружающие начнут стыдить тебя. Но когда ты говоришь, что считаешь верным, что отлупила его за непослушание, это вызывает у меня сильное сопротивление».
Reveal Your Automatic Reactions
What we take for spontaneity, and therefore, for sincerity in communication, is most often a set of automatic reactions that prevent us from communicating, says psychotherapist Florence Ehnuel (Florence Ehnuel)1. She offers to identify them so that they can no longer be used.
JUDGMENT
A: I can’t wait to go on vacation!
B: – Yes, the work is clearly not yours!
Judgment claims to be objective, to be sincere, but as a result it puts a person in a narrow framework and sticks a label on him. In addition, it builds a hierarchy between the one who expresses the judgment and his interlocutor. In short, “judgment is degrading.”
INTERPRETATION
A: I don’t want to work with X anymore.
B: – She reminds you of your mother – you probably settle scores with her.
Instead of empathic listening, we often resort to interpretation, because it can be hasty, arbitrary, and more or less appropriate from a psychological point of view. Not to mention the fact that it is most often issued without a request.
OPINION
A: It is terribly difficult for me to get up in the morning.
B: – It’s normal, in winter everyone does not have enough energy.
Opinion is usually banal; it “does not allow a rich and detailed story to develop.” On a relationship level, this is the equivalent of idle political talk in a coffee shop.
RETURN TO YOURSELF
A: I feel tired.
B: – And I – exhausted …
Even if we return the conversation to ourselves with good intentions, it makes the conversation superficial – it soon breaks off or turns into a cacophony.
ПОПЫТКА УСПОКОИТЬ
А: — Я ужасно боюсь экзамена, я не выучил материал как следует.
B: Don’t worry, everything will be fine!
An attempt to calm the interlocutor, not taking into account his personal circumstances and not based on reality, offers only general and banal words and distracts the addressee from what he feels. This is an “invitation to denial”.
COUNCIL
A: – I don’t even know if it’s worth telling the boss about this problem …
Б: — Расскажи, не бойся, тебе станет легче.
Advice, like reassurance, aims to give the interlocutor immediate relief. In many cases it is too simplistic and based on the experience or personality of the counselor. As a result, the advice most often turns out to be obvious or inapplicable.
1 Автор книги “Эмпатическое переформулирование” (“Empathic reformulation, how to understand each other and show it to you”, Anne Carrière, 2019).
About expert
Irina Moroz — systemic family and emotionally focused therapist, child psychologist.