On weekends, you want to sleep in, but the kids, who can make their own breakfast, demand to start the day as soon as possible. The husband wants to invite relatives, and you dream of spending these days in silence. The neighbor is in no hurry to leave, although you have your own plans. How to gently but effectively protect your interests?
Family affairs
“I love my children and our home traditions, but sometimes I want to close my eyes and imagine that I am alone and I have never had a family,” Marina admits. – The eldest daughter uses my cosmetics and things without asking, shirks help around the house. My husband does not take care of the children, and I have to take on most of the concerns associated with their studies and recreation. The mother-in-law gives sweets to the children, knowing that I do not approve of it. I try to keep peace in the family and quarrel less, but the household perceives this as a weakness and an opportunity to pursue their interests.
Family life involves endless agreements, it is important to be prepared for this. The larger the family, the more likely a clash of interests. “In order to respect the boundaries, you must first of all designate them,” explains gestalt therapist Natalia Artsybasheva. – It is useful to get together, write down all the complaints and dissatisfaction and decide together how to change the life of the family so that it becomes better and more pleasant. Think about what steps you can take towards each other and what benefits it will bring.
For example, your daughter stops taking your makeup without asking, and you start knocking before entering her room and stop cleaning it yourself. On one weekend, the husband invites relatives to visit (and you kindly participate in this), but on the next he leaves with the children to visit himself, giving you the opportunity to be alone.
It is important to build your life in such a way as to be independent of the influence of the other side.
However, it is important to understand that well-established traditions will not change just like that, you will have to show stamina and perseverance, perhaps even go to some conflicts. Let yourself be supported by the idea that respect for each other’s boundaries is better than constant clashes, irritation from the fact that in your family you have not managed to agree to respect each other.
The question arises – what to do with those relatives with whom it is impossible to negotiate? “As a rule, these are elderly people who are not prone to psychological plasticity, but, on the contrary, are distinguished by confidence in the correctness of their own opinion only,” says psychologist Marina Myaus. – It can be difficult to negotiate with them – they will not hear you. Therefore, it is not worth arguing and proving something.
It is important to build your life in such a way as to be independent of the influence of the other side. In some cases, to save the world, it is better to say only what the person wants to hear from you. You can define a range of safe topics that are not known to lead to conflict, and try not to dedicate the interlocutor to issues that can cause disagreement.
Purely friendly
“I often get the feeling that I owe everyone something,” Alina shares. – They ask to lend money, to give a ride somewhere by car. I have to listen to hours of talk about someone’s terrible husband. Some friends believe that since I have no family and children, it means that they can rely on me at any time.
“With a sudden request, we are often taken by surprise, and we promise something that we later regret,” comments Marina Myaus. “Therefore, it is important to give yourself the opportunity to collect your thoughts and take a reasonable step. In response to a request, you can immediately tell the interlocutor that you cannot talk about it right now and you need time.
There may be “incurable” border trespassers in our circle. It is almost impossible to change them. It is worth weighing how dear a person is to you, and, perhaps, as a last resort, exclude him from your life.
Order from above
“I am constantly late at work, because at the end of the day the boss comes and asks to change something in the project, for which not only I, but also my colleagues are responsible,” says Alla. “The overtime does not affect my salary in any way, and other employees also get a raise.”
In the workplace, our boundaries tend to be violated by someone in a higher position. Two ways are possible here: you leave this job, risking that the same situation will arise in a new one, or you reconsider your attitude.
“It is much more productive to try to figure out why the boss chose your candidacy as a victim,” Marina Myaus is sure. — Often people unconsciously read our willingness to be used. Try to ask yourself – is there something that makes you feel comfortable and reliable? How important is the approval of others to you, even at the expense of trampling your interests?
Let the other party know that you are interested in the job, but you want to discuss the terms
The boss always has a choice on whom to impose an additional burden, and he chooses you. Try to analyze it. “If once again you are approached with a task that goes beyond the boundaries of your work responsibilities, try to discuss it,” the psychologist suggests. – Let your dialogue become not a statement of claims, but a step forward.
Explain that overload can negatively affect the quality of your work, and suggest a different order for doing it: for example, say that you need help from colleagues or extra time. Let the other party understand that you are interested in the work, but you want to agree on the conditions for its implementation, in order to achieve the best result. In this way, you will remain in the field of constructive dialogue and at the same time outline your personal boundaries.