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To dare to say no, you need to be confident in yourself and your decision. How to achieve this? We offer a training session consisting of six exercises.
If it’s hard for us to say a firm “no”, it’s because we are all social animals, and a categorical “no” leads to conflict or isolation. But still, a decisive “no” is better than a prolonged depression. Because constantly holding back your feelings in the family or at work and not being able to discuss or find a solution is a risk to your own “I”. Rejection will inevitably make itself felt. Either a symptom (depression) or a rebellion and an escape. For some of us, saying no is as difficult as picking up a microphone for a timid person.
If this seems impossible or too painful, we can resort to psychotherapy: discussing with a specialist why it is difficult for us to say “no”, we gain an experience of acceptance and feel more confident in real situations. As long as we avoid conflicts, we cannot learn how to resolve them constructively. Unable to decide, we desperately try to avoid them, but fail. As a rule, fear is behind this. Understanding its causes, we will be able to say «no» consciously. The next few exercises will also help with this.
1. Deal with thoughts
Observe yourself: what thoughts, feelings and attitudes are stopping you? “I don’t know”, “I don’t know how”, “I’m afraid of condemnation”, “I’m afraid to seem rude”. What do these feelings say? Admit your fear. Ask yourself: will I feel better or worse if I agree? Notice the thoughts that come to you. Practice picking them out. Gradually, you will get used to considering them as just your thoughts, and not reality.
2. Listen to your body
Do you disagree with a statement or suggestion? Do you want to refuse? Trust your bodily sensations: the body reacts faster than the mind and gives clues. Tension will indicate a reluctance to agree. Practice identifying it in order to recognize it at the right time.
For example, how do you feel when you receive an invitation to an event and don’t dare to turn it down? Rapid breathing? The desire to take a step back, clench your fists? You may not be able to reject the offer right away, but next time you will understand the signs of resistance.
3. Imagine different situations
Prepare as much as possible for situations where you need to say no. Imagine, for example, that you refuse to go to a nervous family dinner. What do you say? What will they answer you? How will events develop? Often we imagine the worst possible scenario: we will be hated, retaliated against, or suffer for a long time from our rejection. How likely is this?
Think of other possibilities. Also listen to yourself when you present your no. Think about what would help you feel calmer. For example, if you heard a friend’s approval? Or would Superman fly to you at the first call? Find images that give you confidence.
4. Write down all the moves
Get a notepad, paper or electronic, and write down situations in which you wanted to say “no” but failed. And the situations in which you managed to defend your position. Allow yourself to fail. And celebrate your successes. If you come up with “arguments on the stairs” — a worthy answer that arose at the end of the conversation, do not refuse them, write them down: they may come in handy next time. And cheer yourself up, don’t give up. The way out of the maze is not found the first time! Allow yourself to try again and again until you succeed.
5. Sit down at the computer
Think first about the person you are going to disagree with. Sit down at the computer as if your opponent were in front of you — you can even display his photo — and tell him the reason for your refusal. For example: “I can no longer come to family dinners because…” Repeat the exercise several times. It will help you move to action: our brain does not distinguish between a real situation and its simulation, as neuroscience says.
You can enhance the effect by making a video recording of your «performance» and reviewing it, making any additions you find useful, and then recording a new version. Repeat this until you get used to your face and your voice saying no. You will quickly feel the effect — get rid of unpleasant excitement, increase self-esteem and stop being afraid to firmly refuse.
6. Do it gradually.
Practice lesser «nos» to small things with people you know and are well-meaning. For example: «Close the window, please.» «No, I don’t feel like it right now.» Pay attention to their positive reaction, to the usual, everyday life of the situation. Then move on to the next step — more meaningful «no» to the same people. Again, watch their reactions. Finally, do both parts of this exercise with people who are not your closest and not necessarily benevolent. This will allow you to become stronger for real decisive refusals.