We often perceive the New Year as a transition to the next stage of our lives: this is the time when we want to take stock and reflect, share our stories with others. And if earlier we told them around the fire on a camping trip or in the kitchen of a friend, today we tell them on Twitter or Facebook. Life stories help us correct ideas about the past, better feel the present and, finally, look to the future with optimism.
Heroes and villains
Most of us perceive our own life as a story. Going through the events of the past in our memory, we can distinguish individual chapters in the book of our life and highlight the characters, and among them there will certainly be heroes (beloved teacher, first lover), villains (ex-husband, harmful boss) and other characters. As in a fascinating novel, in the scenario of life there are always unexpected collisions and the climax of the action, but no one knows in advance how the storyline will develop.
“We are all storytellers. We try to find logic and coherence among the disparate and often confusing episodes of our lives, arranging them in the order that we think makes them meaningful,” writes Dan McAdams of Northwestern University in Illinois, one of the founders of narrative psychology, author of The Saving Self: Stories Americans Live By*.
Life stories can be exciting and fascinating, and we return to them again and again, focusing on some especially significant events. Dan McAdams notes: “In late adolescence, we construct our own mythology – bright and intriguing. Certain events are selected for it, which are studied in detail and deeply by us. Experiences that are insignificant from our point of view are simply ignored or forgotten.”
The story of 38-year-old Olga serves as confirmation of this. “At one time I often remembered the words of my father. When he left the family, he said that the atmosphere in the family had a suffocating effect on him. I was then 8 years old, and I took his words personally. For many years I thought that I was a burden to others, demanding too much attention for myself. As a result, in personal relationships, I was too independent, trying to get rid of the “burden” label. It was only recently that I took a different look at the events of the past and realized that in fact my father had in mind their relationship with my mother. Realizing this story completely changed my view of the family, and now for the first time I am happy with a partner.
White and black
People who are prone to depression, in fact, like everyone else, keep a significant amount of bright memories in their memory. However, in their case, the joy of the event is almost always overshadowed by some unpleasant moment: “the wedding would be perfect if they didn’t quarrel with relatives”, “the new job is very interesting, but the boss was unlucky …”.
It is indicative of the attitude to the events of the past. Are they destructive for us or healing? If mentally we constantly return to something unpleasant, then such an experience is destructive.
“People who are prone to despondency and sadness regard an unfavorable situation as fatal, which they cannot overcome or change. They get the feeling that they will never be able to return to the cloudless happiness that remains somewhere beyond the distant line, says Dan McAdams. “It’s like being expelled from paradise. Divorce of parents, job loss, illness… Any event can be decisive and poison the rest of your life.”
Get out of the crisis
In contrast to the destructive scenario of life, there is a scenario of healing: any unpleasant situation can be considered as favorable and useful. Life’s difficulties give us the opportunity to grow, new knowledge, contribute to recovery or getting rid of addiction.
“People who are creative in resolving life’s conflicts are successful in mobilizing their creative resources,” says McAdams. “They go through difficult situations in their lives, saying to themselves and others: “Look, it was not easy for me, but I did it.” People who are prone to creative problem solving feel the need for communication, are open to new acquaintances and impressions.
How to change your life and become happy? Apply to yourself the talent of the storyteller, which everyone has. “People who perceive life as a text, who, talking about it, operate with the expressions “turning point” or “in the margins in italics”, are able to change their lives more successfully than others. They view life as a story in which any event can lead to a plot twist,” concludes Dan McAdams.
By writing your life script, you may be able to figure out how much you are stuck in painful memories. It will help to find bright memories, inspire and support.
We have compiled a list of helpful tips to write your life script. However, do not forget that ideal scenarios do not exist. In real life, happy stories happen to people who are able to creatively recycle their negative experiences. They know you don’t have to be perfect to be happy.
* Dan McAdams «The Redemptive Self: Stories Americans Live By» (Oxford University Press, 2005).