How to return intimacy: 9 tips from sexologists

Sex therapist Kimberly Resnick Anderson works with couples who go months, years or even decades without sex. What does she advise those who have long been forced to do without intimate relationships? As soon as possible, seek help from a professional sexologist.

“When partners stop having sex and, more seriously, stop considering sex as an important part of the relationship, they thereby take the first step on a slippery slope that will eventually lead them to sexual dissatisfaction,” says the expert.

The therapist will help find a way to openly discuss the problem so you can begin to repair the relationship. “A professional will tell you how to discuss “inconvenient” topics, talk about strategies that can spice up your intimate life,” says Vanessa Marin, author of Finishing School, an online training that teaches women how to achieve orgasm.

Building relationships in every way can be difficult on your own. The ability to ask for help is a sign of inner strength. We asked several sexologists to share their advice for couples whose sex life has reached a dead end.

1. If you noticed a lack of sex in a relationship, your partner probably noticed it too.

“If you notice that sex has become less frequent and no longer enjoyable, the partner is also aware. Even if it seems that you are suffering alone, he most likely experiences similar feelings. The partner who needs sex less often remembers better the last time they had intimacy, because he believes that the problem is in it, ”says Kimberly Resnick Anderson.

2. The longer you have not had sex, the more difficult it will be to re-establish the rhythm of an intimate life.

“The longer you go without intimate relationships, the more you lose interest in them. But the opposite is also true. Sex is the best aphrodisiac. The more you do it, the more you want. Having sex can fire up your libido because it releases sex hormones,” explains Tammy Nelson, sexologist and author of How to Get the Sex You Want.

3. The sooner you discuss the problem with your partner, the better.

“I hear every day from couples that they don’t know how to start a conversation about this topic, or that such conversations end up in a fight every time. As a result, a tacit collusion arises between them. They decide that it is easier not to have sex at all than to deal with mutual resentment and unpredictable emotions such as anger or guilt.

It is important to seek help before the problem takes on a life of its own. For example, you might start this conversation by saying that you care about your sexual health and the overall well-being of both you and your partner. Regular sex is good for physical and psychological health,” explains the expert.

4. Stop making excuses and start taking action

“We find excuses why we can’t eat healthy or exercise. Every day I hear patients come up with excuses not to deal with sexual problems.

If the desire is gone, you can justify yourself by saying that you do not feel sexy, tired or not in the mood. As a result, nothing happens.

Perhaps this has happened before, but it is known that desire often arises not spontaneously, but as a reaction to something. Take small steps every day to feel sexy again

Set a goal, for example: “Today I will try to feel comfortable in my own body and find at least one way to please my body,” says psychologist and sexologist Shannon Chavez.

5. When you start having sex again, everything can seem strange at first.

“The first few times after a break, sex can be awkward. It will get better over time,” says Steven Snyder, a sex therapist and author of Love Worth Making: How to Maintain an Amazing Sex Life in a Long-Term Relationship.

6. After a long break, it’s better to start with hugs and kisses.

“If partners don’t have sex, most often they also stop hugging and kissing. Kissing is good because it activates the same pleasure centers in the brain as sex. This is an important part of sensuality, they help maintain intimacy. Kissing can be very exciting. We forget that the mouth and lips are sensitive erogenous zones,” recalls Shannon Chavez.

7. Plan an erotic evening alone with a partner, sex is optional

“One way to resurrect a dead sex life in a marriage is to have an erotic evening. You may worry that it will be awkward and uncomfortable, that this evening will not live up to expectations. This is fine.

You may not want to have sex at all tonight. On the first date, you can limit yourself to hugs and touches, or lie in bed together without clothes. It is better to return intimacy gradually so that the process is not shocking, ”says Tammy Nelson.

8. Remember that variety gives life flavor.

In many couples, one of the partners may not want to have a particular kind of sex, but not against intimacy in general – in some other form. Sex can be compared to food. If we constantly, day after day, eat the same dish, then over time we will lose all interest in it, even if we used to love it very much.

In order for sex to continue to delight and excite, we must diversify our intimate life. Monotony, boredom, predictability are some of the main reasons why partners eventually stop making love.

“I advise partners to make three to five unique “erotic menus” and share them with each other. Talking about sex often helps arouse desire and bring partners together. Agree once a week to offer each other some version of it.

Allow yourself to take your time and gradually get used to the manifestation of your own sexuality again. At the end of the week, discuss with each other what exactly you liked most about your erotic adventures, ”recommends Shannon Chavez.

9. Practice Mindfulness

“Try before sex just lie down in bed for a bit, without clothes, doing nothing. At this time, pay attention to your physical and emotional state, breathing, feel how your body is in contact with the bed.

Try to just be in the present moment. This state of being in the present without any evaluation is called awareness. Being mindful before sex will reduce stress and help make intimacy much more natural,” says Steven Snyder.