I’m afraid. I will never dare to do it!
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When people complain about certain problems, we are often ready to suggest a solution to them. However, a quiet rebuff is often heard in response: “I am afraid to do this. No, I’m afraid … «There are many options:» I’m scared to talk to my parents … «,» I’m afraid to tell him about it … «,» I’m afraid that I won’t succeed «,» I’m scared to decide on this.
The most typical and most stupid mistake is to take such phrases seriously and start “working with fear”. As a rule, behind the phrases “I’m scared” or “I’m afraid” there are no fears, but a lack of knowledge of HOW to do it or a person’s unwillingness to strain himself. “I’m afraid to call him first…” “I’m afraid that he will perceive this as my obsession…”
Purely statistically more often the subtext is heard “I don’t want to strain myself”, the subtext “Tell me HOW to do it better” sounds less often.
Can you help me not to be afraid? There is a great way!
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As a rule, such phrases are heard from girls who are used to the fact that this is quite an effective excuse not to do what you somehow don’t want to. And most often these phrases are heard where there is someone who can do something difficult for them. Indeed, why not be afraid then?
By the way, try on: how often do such phrases sound at work? How often do you hear «I’m scared to call them …» when the boss suggests calling clients using the existing database? Yes, at work, no one allows themselves this.
So how do you react to this? I react to these phrases simply: either not at all, or as petty nonsense, and I propose to translate the question into a responsible format, into a discussion of whether it is “right or wrong” for them to do this or not. Yes, and if you do, then HOW. The situation is changing: here you need to not just talk about feelings, but turn your head on.
My children don’t tell me about their fears because they don’t seem to be afraid of anything. But if something like this suddenly sounds among them, I will ask them something like this in response: “Why are you telling me about this? If you will do it and you need me to support or suggest how to do it better — just say so, I will help you. If you’re thinking that maybe you shouldn’t do it, let’s talk about it. Is it right for you to do this or not?
And at the trainings, we agree with the participants in advance that the phrases “I’m afraid” and “I’m scared” are prohibited, as well as the words “No” (the phrase with “No” provokes the interlocutor to object. Why do this?) and “Here” (“Here…” is the most typical rubbish word, and well-mannered people learn to speak beautiful Russian speech). If at field trainings you were offered the role of the Queen or another difficult role for you (Complimenter, Leader of the Day), instead of talking about feelings of fear and your “afraid”, it’s better to discuss whether it’s right for you to take this role tomorrow or not. Maybe you can’t take it for a full day and not in full, maybe you need an assistant — these conversations are more substantive than conversations about fears.
How do you react to such phrases?