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This is almost certain: if you take on some new, unusual (at least for you) business, there are a dozen critics right there who tell you why what you have in mind is complete nonsense. We figured out how to properly respond to criticism and not give up from resentment.
If you want to do something original and achieve results, sooner or later you will face criticism and rejection. Fear of them may make you want to put things off until later. You need to find a way to deal with this fear and keep moving forward no matter what. Psychotherapist and coach Mark McGuinness offered his system on how to learn to use defeat, disappointment and hostility as a launching pad for your activities.
Overcome fear
If you dream big, the dream sparks a spark of anticipation in you. New horizons are opening before you, which promise a lot and beckon forward. But the first impulse of excitement passes. You start to think that things can go wrong. And fear enters my heart. You have two ways: run without looking back or pull yourself together, overcome fear and step forward.
Oddly enough, fear is less if it is not resisted. If you know this is normal, then don’t panic. And take the following steps:
1. Think of a big dream or challenge that you need to accomplish. Imagine how you bring it to life. Try to see everything as realistically as possible and tell yourself that you really intend to achieve this … and then wait for the fear to appear.
2. Feeling how fear spreads through the body, do not resist and do not try to ignore it. Stay focused and alert, notice where you feel it in your body. Breathe in, fill it with air and let yourself feel the fear, while realizing that there is no reason to panic.
3. Notice the thoughts that come to mind. If you find yourself “watching a disaster movie,” turn it off! Imagine taking a disc out of a DVD player and breaking it in half. And immediately download the “mental training” program. You need to see how effectively you deal with the problem, survive and successfully achieve the goal.
4. Stay alone with fear until you feel it begin to recede by itself.
5. Do something specific to get one step closer to your goal. Keep this step small: notice how the fear is reduced.
Read more:
- How do we protect ourselves from words that hurt us?
Develop your resilience
When you give your heart and soul to something—whether it’s a work of art, a stage performance, a sports field, a business, or a job—you crave success. Your work becomes an extension of yourself. It is not just an object, a game, a business or a job. The result is not a “product” or a “performance”, but a part of you. And when critics reject and tear to shreds what you identify with, it’s impossible not to take their actions to heart. But in order to survive, you must develop resilience. At its core is passion, the fuel that helps us overcome frustration, rejection, and criticism. And since it is a skill, it can be practically mastered and developed like any other.
To do this, sit quietly for 20 minutes a day and do nothing.
While you are sitting, pay attention to your sensations – from the chair, from your body, from the color and shape of the surrounding objects, sounds, your own breathing, thoughts, feelings. The purpose of the exercise is not a relaxed state. On the contrary: pay attention to your feelings – physical, mental, emotional – here and now.
Through this daily exercise, you will become calmer and more focused, you will begin to appreciate the good in your life more, it will bring you more joy. When you are faced with a difficult task, it will no longer amaze you. You will notice that you act more decisively, more rationally, more efficiently. Difficult negotiations will be easier for you, and communication with friends and family will bring more joy. The concentration practice described above is commonly referred to as clear mind meditation or mindfulness meditation. It develops the strength and flexibility of the psyche, the combination of which leads to stability. On the one hand, you will become much more aware of your thoughts and feelings, and on the other hand, they will no longer affect you the way they used to. You will kind of keep them at arm’s length, while not losing touch with them. This will change your attitude towards both rejection and criticism.
Read more:
- How do we protect ourselves from words that hurt us?
Survive rejection and rejection
Everyone has been rejected at some point. Even the best of the best. Knowing the numerous cases of success after rejection at an early stage, it is difficult not to come to the conclusion: all these people continued to go no matter what. They did not look for easy ways and also visited the crowd of those who were not allowed through the front door. They experienced the same pain, fear, anger and irritation as you and I, but they took them for granted.
1. Think about the first time you experienced rejection in your professional life. Rate how bad you felt then on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 is good, 10 is bad).
2. Now think back to a recent failure. How do you rate him on the same scale?
3. If you have come to the conclusion that over time you have become better able to tolerate rejection, this is a sign that you are adapting and starting to accept it as a natural part of the process.
4. If rejection bothers you more and more, think: maybe you yourself complicate your life.
5. Make a list of all the opportunities you would take if you weren’t afraid of rejection. Now imagine that you tried them all, were rejected almost everywhere, but received one or two positive answers that paid off the whole process. Imagine yourself in a future where you don’t have to worry about every rejection.
Pass the tests
- What is your main talent at work?
Take time to reflect on your actions. Set high standards for yourself and be crystal clear (if possible, ask someone who knows you well to help you). Once you’ve done that, archive your mental “movie”. After doing some self-analysis and archiving your mental movie, get it out of your head. To stay in reality and get rid of unnecessary thoughts, use clear mind meditation.
Use criticism rationally
Criticism against you can be constructive or destructive. The first is when someone has a certain opinion about your work or results, and he expresses it in a way that is beneficial. Criticism can take the form of helpful advice (you are told what to do) or just a thoughtful assessment (what to do next, in this case, you decide). And destructive criticism is when someone has a certain opinion, but he either does not know how to express it correctly, or does not understand what he is talking about, or both at once. Both of these criticisms can spur us to action or simply be taken note of.
1. The next time someone criticizes you, stop and ask yourself: does this criticism require action or is it information?
2. If the former, ask yourself if the comments are helpful. If so, tell the critic about it and thank him – so his criticism in the future can be even more useful. If not, try to get him to change his approach. If he doesn’t want to change, ask yourself if you really need to agree with this person.
3. If you encounter criticism for information and find it interesting or valuable, make the most of it. If you don’t find it useful, ignore it. There are more important things worth spending energy on.
Succeed and move on
We consider success a long-awaited happy ending to the story. But much more often this is not the case, happiness is followed by new trials, the next round of struggle and defeat, rejection and criticism. This cycle ends with even more success, which is also beautiful, but it is just a stop before the next cycle. After the wheel has turned several times, you will have to make a choice – to break loose and be disappointed, because the end of the road does not exist, or to start enjoying the journey itself, trials and rewards, ups and downs.
1. Think of a big challenge that you successfully completed. At what point did the struggle turn into success? How did you force yourself to get to this point?
2. Now think about a big disappointment you experienced that you have recovered from. When did the improvement start? How did you get yourself up?
3. Then remember a time when criticism hurt you, but you successfully survived it. At what point did you feel better? How did you nullify the effect of criticism?
4. Think about your big success in the past. When did things start getting worse again? Have you resisted or embraced new challenges?
5. Look back and look at the whole path you have traveled, at all the ups and downs. What patterns do you see?
6. Now think about the future. How do you remind yourself not to lose heart when new challenges come up?
It is important to remember that in order to achieve your goal, you must be able to take risks. And without guarantees of success. But if you do not dare to take a risk, you will surely regret it.
You can spend the rest of your days thinking you should have tried your luck. Do not condemn yourself to repentance. And whatever you do, don’t let the cardboard demons of rejection and criticism stop you on your way to your dream*.
Read more:
- How to Deal with Difficult People: 11 Rules for Dialogue
* M. McGuinness “Despite everything. How to overcome fear, rejection and criticism on the way to your dream” (Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2014).