Of course, we are talking about unfair criticism. Offensive, undeserved accusations. How to resist them? Says existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova.
“Unfair criticism is very hurtful. She can make a person stay up half the night, become embittered, plan sophisticated revenge. Sometimes it turns an adult into a teenager or even a child… And since we are unlikely to be able to avoid unfair criticism, we should take care to find cultural ways to deal with it.
To resist criticism without destroying yourself, there are some interesting solutions. I would call them pearls of psychotherapeutic and social culture. Let’s consider some of them.
Pass the tests
- Do you have a tendency to criticize?
Imagine a situation. At work, you hear an offensive remark addressed to you, a vague hint: “No matter how you come to you, you all drink tea, if only it were the same in our department.” A caustic remark that someone threw when they entered your office is unfair, if only then, that you do not drink tea all the time. What can you answer? There is such a wonderful technique that completely eliminates attempts to explain that this is not so, “you misunderstood, we are working.” An unexpected and paradoxical decision – agree. “Yes, such an impression can be formed.” Your answer will emphasize that a person has the right to be mistaken, he does not know the truth and does not seem to be very interested in it. You agree and at the same time put the person in his place.
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- How to criticize others?
Step two: start asking clarifying questions. For example, in a situation where you hear an unflattering remark addressed to you: “Agree, there are no smart women among blondes,” the man says. And you are blonde. How will you react? Of course, you can make a bewildered face and remain silent, but there is a trick that will immediately put a person in his place. “Do you have it in the form of natural blondes or are dyed ones also suitable?”
In both the first and second cases, you make it clear that nothing that was said made you offended, did not become an impetus to start defending yourself. You, rather, took it as an impulse to some game: “Is that so? Interesting, let’s take a closer look.” You are not offended, but with interest you begin to consider the actual offender! And then the ground is knocked out from under his feet: after all, he did not achieve his goal, did not knock you out of the center, did not make you less strong, more manageable, more vulnerable.
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- Silence your inner critic
These strategies for unfair criticism are the most effective. You are not in a hurry to be offended, but begin to figure out why the person thinks so, that he knows what really happened, what it is about, what exactly he wants to tell you. Any technique of clarification, paraphrasing is suitable here in order to better understand the interlocutor.
Sometimes it is very difficult to do this, because a person screams, he is aggressive, suppresses with his energy, and then it’s good to say – “I take your words very seriously, it will be easier for me to understand you if you speak a little quieter.”