How to respond to children’s whims

Ekaterina Kes, a child and family psychologist, shares her observations and advice.

What happens to a child when he starts to act up? At this moment, something worries him, he is worried or wants something. He may be offended, angry, upset, he may be hurt, bored, offended, uninteresting, hot, cold, he may need your attention, want to eat, sleep, drink. Perhaps he was just tired. In other words, there can be many different reasons for whims.

Often adults say: “Don’t whine!”, “Shut up!” “Shut your mouth!”, “I can’t hear your whining anymore.” But do these phrases help to calm down or upset the baby even more? Let’s figure it out.

The phrase «Don’t Noah» does not give the child the feeling that an adult wants to hear and understand him. Such words are aimed at making him immediately stop doing what he is doing, because the adult does not like his behavior. But a child cannot obey a command and change his emotional state by an effort of will.

Even adults find it difficult to manage emotions. We can’t just stop feeling this or that feeling. What can we say about a small child!

That is why stopping and forbidding phrases have the opposite effect on the child: he becomes even more capricious, cries louder, demands, is rude, breaks out or falls into hysterics. If you manage to keep yourself from the usual phrases, and instead distract and calm the child, then the situation can be changed.

If from the very beginning you correctly respond to the behavior of the child, try to establish contact with him, switch his attention or cheer him up, then most likely he will quickly calm down. And vice versa: if you demand to “stop this very minute”, ignore the needs, feelings and condition of the child, speak in a strict commanding voice, shame or threaten, then the whim will most likely develop into an uncontrollable tantrum.

How to react correctly?

1. Say aloud a possible reason for what is happening to the child

For example:

• “I see you are tired. Of course, today was a hard day, so you want to cry a little. I understand you».
• “You are offended. You wanted us to buy it. But, unfortunately, we are in a hurry. Let me see if I can find something interesting in my bag.”
• “You were offended by me because I said it, and even so loudly”
• «You don’t like these tights and that’s why you’re crying? You want something else. Let’s think about how to replace them … «
• «I know you’re not in a very good mood. You probably just want to be hugged. Come to me».

So already in the first phrase you are trying to voice the state of the child, say out loud what is happening to him, because of which he may be worried. As a result, the baby feels that you are trying to understand him, and it becomes easier for you to “get involved” in his state. At this moment, you convey a message to him: «Mom (dad) hears you, understands, supports.» The child feels this attitude and begins to understand himself better, to realize what is happening. It is very important. It also gives you time to think about how to be and what can be done in this situation.

2. Offer your child an alternative

Offer your child a choice, an alternative, instead of ignoring his feelings and desires. Thanks to this technique, the baby will not be so offended by the ban.

3. Distract the child’s attention

It is easy to win the attention of a small child: now he is upset, but now you drew his attention to the clouds in the sky, similar to a giraffe, and he has already forgotten about his grief. And if an interesting story suddenly sounds about a bear who did not like to put on a hat for a walk, then the baby will not even notice that he himself is already wearing a hat and has long gone outside.

4. Focus on the action you need to take

Our remarks often tell the child what not to do. For example: «Don’t be naughty.» Instead, tell your child what to do. Try to bypass the «not» particle. Start your sentence with a specific call to action. For example:

• «Please help me».
• «Let’s sort things out.»
• «Give me a hug!»
• “Look there! Have you ever seen this?

Such phrases guide the child, encourage him to the desired action.

These simple tricks will help your baby calm down faster and keep you both in a good mood.