How should parents behave if the child received a deuce, failed at the competition, could not answer the quiz question? It is not only a matter of whether he will be scolded or consoled. How parents perceive a child’s failures will affect his attitudes in life.
American psychologists Kyla Haimovitz and Carol Dweck1 conducted several studies, the first of which involved about 70 parent-child pairs. Scientists were interested in the extent to which parents’ ideas about failure and mental abilities are transmitted to children.
If parents are very worried about learning about a bad grade, the child reads such a reaction as follows: “It turns out that you are stupid by nature, and there is nothing to be done about it”
It turned out that parents’ ideas about intelligence (whether it is innate or can be developed) are not transmitted to children, but the attitude of parents to failures plays an important role. According to psychologists, if a parent is very worried about learning about a bad grade, the child reads such a reaction as follows: “It turns out that you are stupid by nature, and there is nothing to be done about it.”
However, if parents are primarily focused on ensuring that the child learns, develops and fills in existing gaps in knowledge, they thereby send him a different message, which he perceives approximately as follows: “You yourself can develop your mind if you work on it” . In the first case, the child has a feeling of helplessness, while in the second he gets the motivation to work on himself and learn.
Further research was carried out via the Internet, they were attended by about 300 volunteers. Indeed, it turns out that parents who are frustrated by the failures of their children are actually worried that the child lacks natural abilities. And not enough support his desire to learn.
Such parents do not necessarily believe that all abilities are inherent in nature and cannot be developed. However, this is precisely the conclusion that the child draws, watching how the mother and father are hard pressed by any of his failures.
The researchers emphasize that the most important thing is to explain to the child that in every failure, if you treat it correctly, you can find opportunities for learning and development. Then your children will not be afraid to make mistakes.
1. K. Haimovitz, C. Dweck «What Predicts Childrens Fixed and Growth Intelligence Mind-Sets? Not Their Parents Views of Intelligence but Their Parents Views of Failure», Psychological Science, 2016.