How to resolve a protracted family conflict

Conflicts in families often have a complex structure: they have many claims to each other, unspoken grievances, unwillingness to understand the interlocutor or forgive him.

It happens that the conflict takes such a neglected form that avoiding each other or not wanting to talk remains the only options for peaceful coexistence. Desperate to find understanding, people live together, but at the same time apart, physically or psychologically they move away from each other.

The easiest and most effective method – to speak frankly – is often impossible. Trust is lost, and the relative is perceived as an enemy.

What to do if there is a long-standing unresolved conflict in the family

Whoever you find yourself in a similar situation, avoider or attacker, guilty or unjustly offended, it is important to answer the questions from which all work begins.

• Tell yourself: how do you want to deal with the current situation? Build relationships? Speak out and defend your boundaries? End a relationship? Let it be as it is?
• Try to analyze your condition by asking yourself: “How do I feel in the circumstances?”
• Inform yourself: “I feel resentment, irritation / pain / despair.” Pay attention to your feelings, try to get to know them better to understand what they indicate.

Marina and her aunt

Marina began to feel dislike for her aunt. When meeting with her, the girl experienced a vague feeling of anxiety and bewilderment. When it was time to send birthday invitations to relatives, Marina hardly wrote it for her aunt.

Paying attention to her feelings of anxiety and unwillingness to see her, Marina realized that these feelings were connected with the caustic comments that her aunt made under the sauce of sarcastic humor. Marina decided to tell her aunt about this and ask her to stop joking like that.

Fortunately, the aunt managed to hear Marina’s complaint and she admitted that she uses her sarcasm as a defense, as she feels aging and ugly. Trust and communication between relatives was restored thanks to the sincerity and courage of both.

We listen to ourselves

First things first, decide what you want for yourself. Your strategy of behavior in the conflict will depend on this. You can ask yourself the questions: “How would I like to feel in this situation? What is the best possible outcome?

Ivan and his father

When Ivan was 8 years old, his father took to drink and left the family, ceasing to take part in raising children. The boy and his older brother were raised to their feet by their mother. Ivan was very upset by the departure of his father and greatly missed him for many years.

On his XNUMXth birthday, he got a call from his father who wanted to talk to him. Ivan, although he yearned for his father, got used to being without him and was in no hurry to let him back into his life.

Thanks to several meetings with a psychologist, Ivan realized that he was not against getting to know his father again, but it was extremely important for him that he admit his mistake, apologize to him, his brother and their mother. It was not the nominal presence of the father in their lives that was important to the son, but the complete study of that family tragedy. He wanted his father to acknowledge his responsibility for that decision.

The father, having heard such a condition, burst into a tirade that they were punishing him, although life, they say, had already done it. Ivan realized that he would never get the opportunity to be heard and that his father, no matter how hard it was to admit it, was not the person to rely on. Their conversation ended as spontaneously as it began. True, this time Ivan knew that it was for the best.

Concrete steps

Think about what actions you can influence the situation. What exactly can you do to make it easier for you?

Artem and his mother

Artem and his mother have always had a tense relationship. Having moved to a separate apartment, Artem began to move away from his mother even more and rather harshly suppressed her attempts to make contact. Along with this, he felt guilty, but he did not have enough strength to clarify their chronic conflict.

After some time, he decided that he would openly tell his mother about his unwillingness to communicate with her and ask him not to call him. And whatever the reaction, he was determined to keep his boundaries. He felt that moving away for a while would help him work out his relationship to his mother inwardly.